Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

Glad to hear you’ve told her, @Toomuchtrouble4me

Both her reaction and your SIL’s are appalling.

I hope next week goes as well as it can for you and those who loved your mum.

I don’t recognise all this fuss about what one person needs. I prefer all welcome and inclusive. When DM died it was not about me. It was about her and anyone who wanted to remember her. Less angst that way.

That's lovely for you and your family funerals can be done that way. OP and her mum wanted things to be different.

Is it not a time to forgive and forget instead of having feuds. It all sounds stressful and horrible for the DH. I’m all for a quiet life!

I'm glad it's all sorted and I hope that the funeral goes well next week.

It's typical that your MIL has a 'flying monkey' in your SIL. Her text to you was rude, completely inappropriate and none of her business so I hope your DH has a word with her.

OP's mum's funeral will be about her mum. She is doing exactly what her mum wanted and is inviting all the people that her mum wanted to attend her funeral. Her mum was very explict in her wishes about who she wanted and who she did not want to attend.

It’s stressful and horrible for the OP. The DH’s mother is alive.

I'm glad you've made some progress and I hope it goes as well as it can. Don't be tempted to respond to the posters poking you.

And again for the people who can't be bothered to read all OP's posts, OP is carrying out her mum's explicit wishes about who she wants to attend her funeral. Telling OP, who is grieving her much loved mum, that her level of ignorance is quite astounding, is an awful thing to say.

OP has already said that when her MIL dies, she will do whatever her DH wants. If his mum wants to exclude OP from attending her funeral, OP has said that she would respect her wishes.

That’s not the point is it? Lots of people will be alive! What seems unpleasant is DH having to tread warily between two warring women. I would be uncomfortable with this and it’s surely stressful for him.

I think in a situation where someone’s beloved mother has died the most stress and discomfort, and therefore sympathy, lies with the bereaved. It’s so, so weird to centre the DH!

The nerve of the sister lecturing you about her mother's feelings when your mother has died. I see a lot of posters on here who haven't read your posts and don't know the whole story, so not worth engaging with them at this stage anyway. You don't need to justify yourself.

Ahhh didduummms poor grown man has to tell his mother who has no interest in his family and children that she is not welcome at the funeral of a woman she didn’t even like, bless him, he will be forever traumatised at the thought of growing a backbone 🙄

That was at @TizerorFizz

Yes let's centre the poor man in this rather than his bereaved wife and the wishes of her late mother

It probably is stressful for him having a mother who doesn't bother with him and his family at all, doesn't know when his children's birthdays are, never buys them birthday or Christmas presents and never visits. All the responsibility for helping OP's family with childcare fell on OP's mum who, as a result, had no time or respect for OP's MIL. OP's mum had no relationship with OP's MIL and didn't want her at her funeral, with good reason.

It's even more stressful for OP having to deal with her MIL and her SIL while she is grieving and trying to organise the funeral that her mum would have wanted.

Oh, you are one of those that centres everything around the needs of the man. One day it will be about DH and his DM but this day is not it.

As for PP who is for a quiet life - there are times to keep the peace and there are times to speak up. I can’t think of a better time to speak up than on behalf of a beloved deceased mother ahead of her funeral. Otherwise you are a just a doormat who puts the needs of whoever shouts the loudest over the one who needs it the most.

That's what you identify as unpleasant? The DH's position?! Dear god.
Nobody is "warring". The MIL doesn't want to respect her DIL's simple request. And given this is a grandmother who doesn't bother with her own grandchildren, and had no relationship wiyh the deceased, she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

It's got nothing to do with forgiving and forgetting.
It's about respecting the way the deceased and her dd wanted her funeral to be organised.

Your MIL sounds awful.

Thoughts and prayers for you and your mums service next week - you have absolutely done the right thing to make this day about you and your mum - not other cunts people.

I hope you have a beautiful service for your Mum OP.

At my Godmother's funeral past year her ex husband and her sister who she was estranged from were told they were not welcome. The ex husband respected her wishes, the sister didn't and turned up with a whole entourage of her own friends (about 15 people) who were all 'protecting' her. She wasn't asked to leave as that's just not possible in churches in Ireland (unfortunately). We just had to endure it.

@Oriunda that seems like very specific circumstances and very much not the norm

This fuss has completely overshadowed the funeral and to what end?

How has the funeral been over shadowed? It's not taken place yet.

OP has dealt with the situation and will be able to focus on funeral preparation now she knows that she's upheld her mother's wishes. And she will be able to pay her last tributes to her mother next week without distraction. I'd say that was a very successful end.

To the end of OP giving her mum the funeral that she wanted. OP has organised the funeral in accordance with her mum's wishes and that is the most important thing.