Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

Policing who attends a funeral is not the usual etiquette. They are open invitations.

Is it really worth falling out over? I would explain to her how you feel about losing your mum and then hopefully she will have the grace to stay in the background. Maybe you are giving your mother in law too much headspace? Try and focus on you and your mum and what the day means to you.

I hate my mil. And I know without being in the midst of grief that I would not want that ghastly fishwife at any family funeral.

The mil sounds a real peach and the DH’s problem to manage.

I am sorry for your sad loss. As someone who too has lost their Mum I would say you invite to the funeral who you want to. It is not a social event but a time as you say, for those grieving and for those who indeed had a relationship with the deceased. Please don't be pressured into allowing someone you don't want there to attend. Out of respect they should accept your decision.

Where do you live? I’ve never heard of anyone attending the funeral of someone they don’t know. People would think that was seriously weird.

Sorry for your loss. To lose your mum will be an emotional and challenging time.

Generally speaking, funerals are public. Anyone can attend. The after-funeral get-together is usually invitation only, but also is usually announced at the funeral or on the Order of Service as ‘all welcome’. It is your choice as to whether or not you want to make this a battle worth fighting.

OP’s mum died but you feel bad for her DH….. Why on earth would he need “a say” in his mother in law’s funeral plans? Make it make sense! 🤔

There is nothing wrong with the OP following her own family’s traditions. There is no reason at all why this should be offensive to the MIL. It’s like someone saying they want people to wear black but the person saying ‘oh our family usually wears bright red so I’m just going to do that’. Just no.

Actually they are. I’ve had friends die and the death notice in the newspaper has stated immediate family only at the service. Didn’t upset me in the slightest. It’s for those immediate family and key people grieving to decide. The mother didn’t like mil and the mil won’t be grieving, so her wants are irrelevant to OP’s needs.

Irish Catholic here, and in my culture it would be very unusual for your mil not to attend. But it is your mother's funeral, so you can set the rules. Your DH should be the one doing the explaining though on my view.

I agree with @NattyTurtle59 … I have attended funerals of people who were not personally known to me, but I have gone to show support to the bereaved who are known to me. Within my community this is perfectly ‘normal’.

Sorry for your loss.
Your MIL is going out of respect for your loss, and for the loss to her son and to her GC.
Welcome her along with a few others at the funeral whom you will not expect.
Decide for your DH to greet her but then for him to go about greeting others, just as you would wish him to. Your MIL knows how to behave at a funeral; she has been to many.

Your mother would not want her death to create division.
She would want you to be calm and considerate like most children who host funerals for their parents.

They’re only open if the family choose to share the details though. Yes that is fairly common place, but OP is choosing not to have an open funeral and that is fine too.

My parent, sister and bil all came for my FIL's funeral. I was lovely to have lots my family around too as I was supporting DH and MIL in their grief. I think that is immediate family. Weren't they all on top table at your wedding?

Where I live (Scotland, lapsed Catholic), it's quite common to have total strangers at church funerals. Not necessarily because they've specifically chosen to attend but because a Catholic funeral mass is open to anyone and everyone. Someone could decide they wanted to attend an 11am Tuesday morning mass as part of their normal, personal worship and it just happens to be a funeral mass. Very unremarkable.

out of respect to her GC, that she gives zero attention to? Yeah right. What a reach.

I think if the funeral is going to be an extremely small number of people then your mil should understand. Where it gets tricky is if it's actually 20-30 people or more who attend and you've told mil she can't come.

Sorry for your loss x

Do we know if it's in a church?

Because if it's in a church it would ordinarily be open to anyone who decides to pootle in to celebrate mass/the service that day.

Do what is right for you amd your dear Mum. Im so sorry for your loss.

I think if you are having a small and close family only service it is entirely reasonable to have it as invitation only, for my grandpas funeral we had a large church service but then invitation only to the crematorium. I am normally all for including family, but she was not close to her , and she can pay her respects in a different way. Could she be invited to the wake after? I get the raw emotion needing to be private with people who were close to her and you obviously don’t like your MIL. If they had been friends themselves my answer would be different but it sounds like they weren’t close. So sorry for your loss.

Your MIL is trying to pay her respects, she is trying to be nice and supportive, so it comes from a decent place.

However I also get what you are saying. At a time when you will be at your most vulnerable, you do not want to have to babysit your MIL who you feel uncomfortable with anyway. Its not as if she can comfort you in your time of loss as you do not have that type of relationship.

I would probably just say to her "Thank you so much for wanting to attend my mum's funeral and for your support during this difficult time. We’re keeping the funeral service to immediate family only, but I truly appreciate your understanding and support. It means a lot to me."

By expressing gratitude and appreciation, you're acknowledging their intentions while gently explaining the family's wishes.

Having said that, funerals are public events and is she wants to turn up there is no real way of stopping her.

This

It is far from being an objective truth that funerals are public events. Not these days.

Having said that, funerals are public events and is she wants to turn up there is no real way of stopping her.

Religious ones possibly more so. But secular? Not at all.

Glad you have reached clarity.
It doesn't say much about your husband if his focus is his mother getting a day out, rather than supporting you at this painful time.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say to her that you will be really upset on the day and you’d like his 100% support, and that you don’t want her left alone all day so for her sake you think she needs to stay at home.
And insist if she argues, by saying that you know it’s selfish of you, but that you feel that you need, and it’s right to be, selfish on this occasion. Grey rock.

I wouldn’t feel any need to indulge her given she doesn’t give your dc presents but will happily accept then from your dh. Who does that!