Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

I forgot to say, thank you for the update OP. I hope the day goes as well as it can (a weird saying). It may all be a blur, but as long as you feel you have met your DMs wishes and she would be happy then you have done a good job. Don’t think about the little things, just focus on saying your goodbyes in your own way.

My DF knew he was dying, he made plans, wishes known, sadly not all met due to someone like your MIL, but very different circumstances. I know at the end of the day all he cared about was us, not him, as long as we were ok he honestly would not have cared if we had shoved him in a wheelie bin.

And FYI there is absolutely no right or wrong way to feel during or after, you feel as you feel. Big virtual hugs x

Thank you for the update. I hope the funeral goes smoothly next week.

The text from your SIL to you was despicable.

It sounds like he loves and cares about his mum. Is it his choice not to see so much of her? Seems unusual. Has she given a reason for not giving the children presents? Is it bc she is conscious of your disapproval and dislike for her do you think?

I assume that OP's disapproval and dislike for her MIL is because her MIL hasn't ever bothered with OP's children, i.e. MIL's neglect has led to OP's dislike. In a later post, OP has said that she doesn't even know the dates of her grandchildren's birthdays.

Or maybe MIL after having been sidelined since birth of the children in favour of Ops mother simply gave up and let her get on with it to avoid more hurt and pain . . .

I hope after her update OP has left this thread far behind and doesn’t read all this grim speculation. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Your misogyny is shining through.

If that is the case, then why on earth would OP's MIL she want to go to OP's mum's funeral?

Please explain the misogyny in that post. The poster just reprimanded you for being cruel to a grieving woman who has just lost her much loved mum.

Despite your user name, the poster doesn't even know whether you are a man or a woman.

Hi OP, first of all I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my DM a few years ago and was put in your EXACT position. I had calls from MIL,SIL and some random woman (MILs friend) I met once 20 odd years ago saying it wasn't fair, MIL deserved to be there. The woman actually told me that it was my duty to accommodate my MIL. And that she was now the matriarch of my entire family.
Luckily my DH is aware of his mother's penchant for being the centre of attention and told her a firm No. No explanation, no compromise. Just no. The whole thing pissed me off so much and added unnecessary stress to an already emotionally charged day. I hope all goes well for you. Just remember you're celebrating your mum. Nobody else matters. 💐

Stop inventing stuff.

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with all that after losing your mum. Your in-laws sound absolutely awful.

Well done OP for politely stating the situation to your MIL asap (for your own benefit)

Its telling that she disrespected you and tried to breach your boundary with the call to your DH.

And more telling again that when that was successful she sent her 'flying monkey' to 'punish' you.

Well done for ignoring - your SIL can sit for a looooong time in the discomfort of your silence. Never rise to the baiting for a row.

Dignity. Detach. Distance.

Well done to your DH for not caving. I hope you feel a sense of relief that you have sorted it and DH has your back. Its behind you now. I hope the day goes as well as possible for you. Is there any chance she could turn up anyway and if so is there a plan of how to handle?

Take care of yourself.

Its just shocking that some people think its fine to kick you when you are down.

Hope the ILs have been appropriately 'rewarded' for this disgusting behaviour.

Nonsense. There is no law that says that my mother and my MIL are family to each other. They are both family to me, but that doesn't imply they are family to each other. In some cases they will feel like family to each other, in others they absolutely will not. My own (now deceased) mother and MIL would not have considered each other to be "family". They lived in different countries and met on very, very few occasions: our wedding, our joint graduation, my husband's 40th birthday party. I don't remember any more! It would have seemed odd to attend each other's funerals or those of my father/FIL. They sent sympathy cards, that was it.

Totally agree. My parents and my in-laws were not family to each other at all and to suggest that they were is bollocks. They were just about acquainted but very rarely saw each other beyond our wedding and the christenings of grandchildren.

It wouldn't have occurred to either side to go to the funerals of the others.

Agree with @Tikityboo let your rude CF SIL sit with the silence of your non response.

How dare she think she gets to correct you at this time.

Perfect opportunity to back away from your husbands insensitive presumptuous family.

Same. My parents met DH's mum and stepfather just the once - at our wedding.

I’m shocked at how many people are on at you to let her come to the funeral!
It’s a day for you and your family, and as you say she won’t know anyone so she will be clinging on to your husband which is unfair as he should be supporting you!
I hate this thing of going to funerals because you feel you should, it’s not show and tell!

Look at the date of the thread. This funeral took place back in January.

Deleted as post is old.