Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

She's your husband's mother. She really is your family.

She won’t know anybody so that means that DH is with her all day instead of supporting me.

It shouldn't mean that. Your DH should know that he has one job, to support you. If he doesn't know that, you have much bigger issues than this one terribly sad day.

People go to funerals to pay their respects. I’ve never heard of anyone being banned from a funeral until I joined MN. It seems very odd behaviour to me.

Because I think that’s what she wants to do. She has form for making everything about her. There was no love between her and mum.
she knows none of my family who will be there. I just don’t see why her wish to attend should trump my wish for her not to.

I'm so sorry for you loss OP

MIL might be from a Catholic family and know nothing different than attending each and every funeral in the town. That doesn't mean she should attend if you don't want her there!

Its like saying- 'Well at every funeral I've attended I take flowers!' But if the funeral was say Jewish, bringing flowers would not be the norm at all!

In saying that, IF she did attend, are you expecting her to cling onto yourself and your DH? Could she bring another relative from her side and she can cling to them instead and leave at a certain time with them?

When my mum died the funeral was small and invitation only
That's interesting. I've never heard if an invitation only funeral.
Every one I know of is open to the public. The time of the service is printed and people who know the deceased turn up.
In theory you couldn't stop your MIL being there unless you created a scene.
I'm sorry for your loss and understand it's a very difficult time.

Stick to your guns. It’s not about your DH or his mum, it’s about you and your mum. Who cares what the etiquette is - do what makes you happy.

That shouldn’t be the case regardless of what your MIL does. Your DH should be supporting you, and if she wants to attend to pay her respects, it should have no impact on the day for you. He should make sure she is aware of that and stick to it regardless.

She won’t know anybody so that means that DH is with her all day instead of supporting me. How many people go to funerals expecting to know someone? THey're not parties. You go, pay your respects, and if you're not "inner circle", you stay in the background and draw as little attention to yourself as possible

So sorry about your mother. Given the circumstances you have described then I think you are 💯 right to not want her there. I am Irish catholic and it would be very normal to attend funerals of people you never even met if you know their relative e.g a co workers parent. But given your description of the situation I would be fuming at your husband and MIL..

I suppose it’s a lot to do with the fact that I am quite private, I will be very emotional and I don’t want my raw emotions witnessed by anyone who doesn’t have real love for me and mum. She will take DH away from me all day as she knows nobody else there. She won’t be engaged in grief as naturally, she won’t feel it. Therefore she will be a spectator. I want it small and select and intimate. Not fodder for her to gossip about.

Clearly, you’ve never met my MiL - that’s definitely not how she would behave.

You can have private, invitation-only funerals. Sounds as if this is what OP wants.

Technically anyone could have gone, but only the people she wanted there were told about it. The wake was at a restaurant, and only had booked for the number of people asked.

Fair enough. If she doesn't know how to behave, hold a private funeral and don't invite her.

I understand. It feels intrusive because you don't do things that way. She obviously does, which is fine, but you want your feelings to trump hers at your own mother's funeral. And you certainly don't want to spend the day feeling irritated that she's there.

I'd suggest saying to her that you really appreciate the thoughtfulness of her coming, however it's not the way you are doing things on this occasion and will be sticking to only the few people closest to your mum. However, if she'd be up for lighting a candle for your mum at her own church on the day (or a different day), that would be very special and you'd really appreciate it (which you would if it would mean she wasn't there!).

English are totally different to Scottish/Irish funerals. I've been to countless funerals for people I've never met. I'm there to support the person who is grieving, a work colleague, a friend, a neighbour.
A funeral is either you're there for the person who died or the people who are grieving.

It's an invitation only funeral as your mum wanted it to be very small. You will need your partner's support. I think you can do this as long as you explain it is a unique funeral. And stick to your guns. Grief is unreasonable. If they don't like it they can complain to someone less affected.

She won’t be engaged in grief as naturally, she won’t feel it. Therefore she will be a spectator. It's possible to feel grief for someone you don't know well, either because they've made a strong impression on you, or you feel grief that your loved one has been bereaved.It may be that your MIL won't feel grief, but that is her personality, not because of her relationship.

I feel for you, and you're not being unreasonable. Ask your DH to tell her it's not appropriate for her to be there, and you don't want to get drawn in to any drama about it, this is a hard enough time for you already.
🌷

At a time when you are grieving, probably one of the most emotional times in your life, you are letting your hate for your MIL take over . Why invest so much hate ? She is your DHS mother . I’ve never heard of not letting family come to a funeral before. Does that mean you won’t go to hers ?

Thanks all
Reading comments and giving my responses has really helped with clarity of why I don’t want her to be there. My mind is made up. It’s private, invitation only, and she’s not on the list. It will make me feel uncomfortable when I’m at my most vulnerable, that’s reason enough, I’m not putting her feelings above mine on this day.
Thanks for helping me decide.

Everyone I know would attend their DIL's mother's funeral, in fact most people would consider it very odd if they didn't. My ILs didn't attend my GPs' funerals as "they didn't know them" and I wasn't impressed. YABVU.

I’d go if I was wanted by those closest to her, not if I wasn’t. I don’t hate her. I just don’t have any love for her and nor did my mum. It will be intimate, and full of love.

OP, yanbu.
Your husbands huffing would give me the rage.
This is your mothers funeral not an outing for his mother.

If it was a large phblic funeral it would be one thing, but it absolutely is not.
It is a private affair.

OP, do not be bullied into agreeing to something that you will regret.