Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

sorry for your loss- i dont blame you for syaing no i diddnt have much say at my mums funeral an all sorts turne up some who mum coouknt stand she woulnt have wanted them teir

they just want atention

Normally I'd say she ought to come but in this instance I see your point and I wouldn't want her either.

And your DH should be able to explain that to her.

It's well known there are very different cultural approaches to funerals across the UK.

What fascinates me is how the "we go to everyone's funeral" culture is expected to be respected. But the "we only go to funerals of people we knew" culture isn't!

I completely understand where you're coming from OP. And your MIL should resect your wishes. Why on earth would her cultural norms outweigh yours.

You wanted in-laws to attend you grandparents funerals? And they didn’t know them. You see I find that really odd. That’s why we all have to do what’s right for us when we are the closest to the deceased.

Firstly OP I am very sorry for your loss. I completely get where you are coming from. This isn't about your MIL or DH's side of the family, this is about your loss and your side of the family's loss. Its a pity your relationship with MIL is the way it is, but you are perfectly in your rights to do what is best for you and the rest of your family on what will undoubtedly be a very difficult day for you.

YANBU. Don't allow anyone to make you feel bad about not having this horrid cow at your Mum's funeral. She has no right to be there.

Exactly this - it’s all about her.

Im not sure.

If your MIL were to die, would you be comfortable telling your mother to stay away from her funeral?

We’ve been together for nearly 20 years now but never bothered to get married so MIL isn’t technically MIL

Our extended families have never met each other despite most of them living within about a 25 mile radius My parents have never met his parents, our siblings have never met each other’s siblings etc.

We will need to get married before April 2027 due to IHT pension changes and wanting to ensure DS gets maximum benefit from our assets but we’ll do that on the quiet as we don’t want any fuss. Most people assume we’re married anyway as it is.

Honestly I can't believe at this time this is what you're focusing on . In the scheme of things telling her you hate her too much to 'allow' her to attend your mother's funeral . There is simply no coming back from that for your relationship and you should think of your dh. It all feels so unnecessary when you should be focusing on saying goodbye to your mom not your hatred for your mil
Let her come along and ignore her.

Well your husband is close to her and he wants her to come .

Does it actually matter if your MIL comes to the funeral to show her respect? I personally cannot remember the extras that came to my Mum's funeral!
I can just remember that it was lovely that so many people cared 🤷‍♀️

This is why there is etiquette around “chief mourners”. You and your husband will be among the chief mourners, your MIL will not. You will arrive separately and sit separately.

Ive never heard of a private funeral, but if you don’t tell some one when /where it is they are unlikely to come.

The wishes of the closest mourners/chief mourners ought to be respected.

This 👆

And yes. Catholics like showing up at funerals of acquaintances. It's a traditional thing and the funerals are larger. It is nice in a way. But I wouldn't want somebody super intrusive or nosey at my parents one.

Where I live people generally go to funerals to support the bereaved, therefore we often go to the funerals of people we don't know/have never met. I find it odd to only attend the funerals of people you know. I recently was talking to a man who was on his way to the funeral of the mother of a woman he dealt with at his bank - he'd never met her mother. It's a mark of respect.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Same here.

If anyone wishes to attend a funeral, then they should be able to do so. It is a service, one of life's ceremonies, and is the opportunity for both people who knew the deceased to mourn them, or, in some cases, people to show some love for those who were really close to the bereaved to attend that service / ceremony.
You say you are CofE, so I presume it is a Christian service, and therefore open to anyone who chooses to attend.

She won’t know anybody there except me and DH

So ?

I don’t want her so he will have to spend the whole time with her

No, he won't.

It would be natural for me to go to a funeral sit through service pay respects then leave . However if I was told that it was a private invite only then I would totally respect the deceased family wishes. Has your DP said this to his mother or is he just avoiding it .You need to emphasise how important it is to you .

Well your husband is close to her and he wants her to come .

Circles of support. Care goes in, dumping goes out. So OP's wishes for support beat DH's or MILs'.

I would expect a mil to attend the funeral of her dils mother, it would seem very odd not to

You're grieving and not thinking logically perhaps. It's a horrible time. Condolences

I should also say, I am sorry for your loss.
I'm not sure AIBU is the best place for a recently bereaved person to post.

I haven't heard of a private, invitation only funeral but most of the funerals I've been to have been in religious buildings. Went to the first one this year where it was a non-religious service at the crematorium. Can't really ban or uninvite someone from a funeral in either of those locations afaik but presumably this must be a different situation.

I do feel OP is BU but sounds like her mind is made up.

I am from a huge Catholic family. I know what you mean, my sister literally goes to anyone's funeral, 3 weeks ago she went to 3 in the same week. One was her Boss's ex partner's ex boyfriend. She never met him. Another was a lady who rented a property of her parents in law, again never met her. Third was as she said 'a prominent businessman' in our town and she wanted to be part of it...for what I dont know 🙄🙄 but she's a whole other thread.

Unfortunately I think you do just have to suck this one up. I know it's so difficult but she is your MIL, they share grandchildren etc I think she will be hugely offended if told not to attend. That would never happen here. My Aunt was asked not to attend my other aunt (her sisters) funeral. She ignored the request and attended anyway despite them being estranged for 15 years. There was nothing we could do. If the funeral is in a church you technically can't stop anyone attending as its a public space.

So sorry for your loss. May your dear Mum rest in peace x

Well if you don't like her and don't care if she gets upset or not then stand your ground with your DH and insist you don't want her there. From what in reading you don't really have a good relationship with her or want one.