Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

I feel bad for your dh.
Does he not get a say?

There are some bloody awful things in life that you just have to get through. I speak from experience. Banning your Mil from the funeral won’t make this any easier op.
I’m truly sorry for your loss 💐

She will have support.

Sorry for your loss OP.

My jaw is on the floor reading some of these responses. Who gives a flying fuck about your MIL's feelings in this situation? Your mother has passed. You know what her feelings/wishes & attitude were. You know what would make you feel more comfortable.

I love my MIL but there's not a chance in hell I'd be paying any regard to her hurt feelings in the context of losing my mother and doing what feels right for our family in our grief. The fact you're even having to have these discussions about her feelings at a time like this is preposterous and speaks to the kind of woman she is. If she wants to pay her respects, she can do so privately at the graveside at a later date.

Luckily increasing numbers are nowadays realising that funerals are:

1. Not necessary at all
2. Not necessarily public, community, open events

If make it crystal clear to dh that if she attends he is to be spending his time supporting you as his wife rather than keeping her company as she won't know anyone. Sounds like she'd be more of a nosy hindrance than a well intentioned genuine mourner so I'd probably be very blunt with her in saying she really not to come, she won't know anyone and you and your dh will be busy focusing on other things. She should have the good grace to step back on this occasion.

I can't believe how many people are voting that YABU. If she wants to pay her respects, she can visit the grave in her own time. Your DH should be supporting you in your grief, not pandering to his DM.

This.

I am very sorry for the loss of your mother, OP, but I think it grief is understandably making it difficult to think.

A church funeral is traditionally public, just like a church wedding or a christening. I don’t know how you can exclude a practising Christian from a Christian funeral unless it is a state event or of similar stature.

But the woman should sit somewhere discreet, rather than with your family and she must absolutely understand that your DH is with you, not her. He can make that clear, by checking in a solicitous manner that she has transport arranged, etc.

If you are inviting the mourners onwards, she needs to be included. If the general event ends with the funeral service, and only intimates attend the burial, she doesn’t need to be included in that. At no stage should she be the only person excluded - I think you will live to regret it if she is.

Well my mother didn't go to my FIL's funeral, and my MIL didn't go to my mother's funeral. Indeed, everyone would have thought it most odd if they had done - they barely knew each other. Nobody took offence and it was never even mentioned.

Not everyone lives in each other's families pockets!

It sounds like your MIL will commandeer your DH at a time when you will need his support. You obviously have good measure of what the situation will be like at the funeral and that seems to be her needing lots of support and attention. You're right to say no.

Obviously there are MILs who go to their DIL/SIL's mother's funeral but who are adult enough to sit at the back and not demand attention from their child (allowing them to focus on their partner). I don't think the OP's MIL is like this.

Where I come from, it would be perfectly normal for your MIL to wish to support you during your grief by attending the funeral. She is also supporting her DH and DGC in their grief of that important person to them. Staying home looking after small children is another understandable way of doing so.
I think you ABU to deny your husband having his mother there and if your children are old enough to understand, have you asked them if they would prefer to have their grandmother there?
I am sorry for your loss and I fully understand you focusing on yourself and your grief, but I think you should just let your MIL being there.

Your mother's funeral, your rules. You are vulnerable ATM and I fully support what you are saying. You want to focus on saying goodbye to your dear Mum in private and everyone else should back off and respect your wishes.
Sorry for your loss.

It's not up to you to decide if she'll miss her or not

Someone I was at school with died recently. Not someone I've seen or spoken to for years, even then we weren't close. But his death affected me deeply. The loss is a physical pain and it makes me cry to think about it. If I'd been able to attend the funeral, I would have (it was miles away) even though it had been years.

I'd have been devastated if someone told me I was just spectating on grief and wouldn't miss them because we didn't see each other recently

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I was raised Catholic but have a Protestant mother. I attended many funerals in her church as she did in mine. Neither of us went to gawp even if we didn’t know the deceased well. We went to support each other.

If you blanket refuse your Mil to attend your mother’s funeral, I think you’ll end up doing more damage than you might intend. I realise that you are probably speaking from a position of grief so please do bear that in mind.

Sending you lots of support for the coming days and weeks.

She wants to attend to show respect and support. Not to gawp.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Perhaps she just doesn’t understand it’s not an open invitation.
I would just phone her and say ‘thank you for wanting to attend, and I appreciate your support, but it was my mothers wish to have a very small ceremony with only her close family’ and if she argues with that then tell her it’s not about her.

Wow. I think you’re being very rude towards your DH & MIL.

no of course he doesn’t get a fucking say! It’s not his mother that died 🙄

All the posters saying the OP should get past her grief and let this ghoul come to the funeral need to give their heads a wobble.

it’s a small intimate funeral and OP and the late mother don’t like the MIL.

I was raised Catholic and we go funerals with the most tenuous of links, but equally normal Catholics understand when others have small closed funerals too. I wouldn’t want my mil at a family funeral either, it would absolutely because she’s nosey because she doesn’t care about me at all.

Your DH needs to tell her that she’s not able to attend.

So sorry for you loss OP, big hugs and strength for the journey ahead.

I am very very sorry for your loss. This is a horrible, horrible time for you and I sympathise massively. Hope you're coping OP.

I say this very gently, but this does sound a bit like displacement to me. When something huge and terrible happens to us, the pain/grief can be too much to bear, so it's easier to focus on another, smaller, more digestible issue. It's a very normal reaction and no-one's fault, but I do wonder whether it's easier to be pissed off with your MIL, and to sort of use that as a distraction during this horrible time, rather than be pissed off and angry and upset that you've lost your mother?

I say this with no judgement at all- I did exactly the same when I lost my mum. Huge hugs to you.

I started off thinking you were really mean but I had my lovely mil in my mind

from your update ( what granny doesn’t buy Xmas gifts for her gc??? ) I think you need to message her

“ thanks for your kind intention to come to mom’s funeral but my wishes and my mums wishes are for a very intimate send off and this is very much what I need on this hardist of days , can we arrange to see you the week after I’d prefer that “

Nailed it!

I cannot believe those that saying its someone's right to attend, anyone can go, in my family we do XYZ! As I said upthread, its akin to attending a Muslim or Jewish funeral, and expecting the exact same 'norms' you have experienced in Catholic or other Christian funerals!

@Sockmate123 Unfortunately I think you do just have to suck this one up
What a rude, ignorant comment to the OP!!! If the OP has different religious norms, has issues with MIL for multiple reasons stated and wants to grieve and have the ceremony to say goodbye to her own mother- that is her prerogative. Not to please MIL!!!

Why does your dh want his mother there if he knows that's not what you want?
Is he usually unsupportive like that?

This is elegant. Def go with this script.

OP I think you need to hold this boundary. Just explain that you understand she is used to different funeral traditions but your mum’s wishes were for a small service and this is what will be most helpful for your family at this time. You don’t mean to offend and appreciate her wanting to support you but you are respecting your family tradition and mum’s wishes. Your DH needs to focus on YOUR GRIEF not be sulking about hurting his mother’s feelings, for gods sake!

Interesting that you appear to know the MIL better than the OP.

‘and it’s quite often a decent party/reunion’

That’s the telling part though. For someone who is heavily grieving, the idea that someone turns up for a party and to catch up with friends/ relatives will be upsetting.