Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

well it would be difficult as this post is about my mother being dead. However, if the tables were turned then yes, absolutely. She would have been relieved to not be expected to go.

Did your mum ask for her funeral to be private, small and with a very limited 'guest list'? If so you have a clear answer to MIL and your DH. "It's what mum wanted, and I'm not going to disrespect her wishes"
If it's you that's decided that this is what you want, then you have a harder job, given that your DH is presumably also part of that RC funeral-going culture. But still, this service is about your mum and your grief. So he shouldn't be prioritising his mum, he should be prioritising you.

I see OP has made up her mind so I won’t comment on her situation specifically, but I can’t quite believe the difference between English and Scottish funeral customs. I’ve never in my life heard of invite only.

Here, it’s absolutely the norm to attend funerals of people you know, whether you were close or not, to pay your respects. Likewise, if it was a someone connected to a friend or colleague you’d go to show support. You’d be thought extremely rude if you didn’t. Protestant or Catholic or whatever.

My own mum got a huge turn out - even her postman attended - and it was so lovely and brought the family so much comfort.

He’s had his say - he thinks his mother should be there because she wants to come.
But I think that on this occasion, my mother’s funeral, I also get a say. When it’s his mother, he can have the deciding vote. On this occasion our opinions differ and I think that mine is more important.
Why do you feel sorry for him? We are two
people with different opinions, one of whom has just lost her lovely mum to cancer. Why do you feel sorry for him? We both have opinions. At this time, mine trumps.

@unlikelywitch Here, it’s absolutely the norm to attend funerals of people you know, whether you were close or not,

What on earth does where you live and YOUR norm have to do with the OP though???

You're very ignorant and dismissive of Catholic culture.

But ultimately it sounds as though you can't stand your MIL, so I guess she'll have to accept your decision.

'Gawping' is such a horrible way to describe this woman wanting to pay her respects, even if you don't understand why she may feel the need.

He’s had his say - he thinks his mother should be there because she wants to come.

Does he always take her side over yours.

Hi. I'm a minister in the CofE.

I'm sorry for your loss.

You can politely ask MIL not to attend but at the end of the day, a funeral is a public service, so she may turn up anyway.

Go with what your DM would want OP. End of. There’s too much of a “keeping up appearances” attitude here. Nobody will think it’s odd your MIL not being there if she doesn’t know any of the other attendees.

As an aside, if she went to the funeral service, presumably she’d be going to the burial - how would she get there if she doesn’t know anyone? In the family funeral car which I think would be quite intrusive or would your DH have to come away from supporting you to take her.

I’m a very private person. I’d rather weep and grieve without the postman watching thanks. Or my F’ing MiL.

I get that - you want your husband to be at your side, not tending to his Mum.

The fact he's sulking about it - says alot.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Maybe give her a job - e.g it would be really helpful MIL if you could stay at ours during the day to take in a package/watch the dog/cat - that sort of thing. Send her on an errand.

If it’s in a church, the doors are open. People are not barred. Who really checks who is there? Sounds like the DH is having to cope with warring women and little harmony in grief. It sounds sad for everyone

As DM was really old when she died, she had outlived every single friend and all her contemporaries, including most in her family. We had a very small funeral. I would have welcomed more attending.

Maybe have a little think about how ignorant and dismissive you are being of a grieving woman.

It doesn’t, and I expressly said I wasn’t commenting on OP’s situation.

I see OP has made up her mind so I won’t comment on her situation specifically, but I can’t quite believe the difference between English and Scottish funeral customs. I’ve never in my life heard of invite only.

I had no idea such things happened. I must admit I’m not in the slightest bit au fait with any religious practices. Religion hasn’t played any part in my life and my exposure to it has been pretty much nil.

What's the point of this thread then, as you've clearly made your mind up?

She wouldn’t do that, not once told she’s not invited.

True , and she cleary hates her MIL even though she says she doesn’t.

Not after this shit, no.

For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral.

That's just ignorant, dismissive hyperbole.

YANBU. It’s your mum, it’s your choice. ❤️

@IPM anger is a phase of grieving. Misplaced as it might be.

Please don't be an arse.

I’m very sorry for your loss but the first paragraph of my post stated very clearly that I wasn’t commenting on your situation as you’d already made your decision.

Well, I often think that on MN posts, but actually this has been really helpful for me. The comments and questions have helped me to understand why I don’t want her to attend, and confirmed that I have the right to decide. So the point of the post, as it turns out, has been to help focus my thoughts. For that, I’m really grateful to those who have contributed, especially with such kind condolences. except yours, which wasn’t helpful at all.

So sorry for your loss. I think you are 100% right in putting your feelings first, this is your mother. Funerals should be by invitation imho. I am catholic and have young and old family members that feel entitled to attend funerals.

Funerals are very strange gatherings. We lost my dad just before Christmas and his funeral brought out the very best and worst in people. We didn't have a wake, DF hanged his mind about having a service at all.

It was very distressing for my family when some people, not at all close to me or the family, rushed over immediately as we were getting out of the funeral cars when we arrived at church. I was trying to console the DC and arrange pallbearers, it was invasive and unkind. I asked them to please step back. I won't bother with them. Most people are lovely, some are arseholes. Protect yourself. Your DH should be more worried about your feelings in this instance.

I live in Scotland and quite a few funeral notices I see locally are “private funeral service at the request of the deceased” or words to that effect, or family only. So I don’t think location has much to do with it.

I would feel like a spectator rather than someone there to pay their respects if I went to the funeral of someone I knew only to say hi to in the passing.

I’m glad your mum got a lovely turnout and the family took comfort in that, as that is what you wanted. The OP and her late mum do not want this.