Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh can’t play

322 replies

Newyearnothingchanges · 01/01/2025 13:33

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

OP posts:
polpolpolpol · 01/01/2025 13:38

It's normal for a man who is opting out. Probably not what you want to hear, but he could absolutely be present and involved for his child if he wanted to be.

Buxomblondie · 01/01/2025 13:40

My dh is a bit like this. He's on the spectrum, has GAD (anxiety) and he just can't seem to join in with playful things. Hes never been able to and he honestly looks so pained if anyone pushes him into it, so it isnt fair to.

He does loads with the kids aside from playing in the house. He takes them more places than I do tbh. Swimming, mini golf, park, go ape etc and also takes them on walks, errands and more boring/useful stuff as well.

He will build train tracks with them and also likes bringing card games to the pub if we go there for tea. He just hates being really playful or boisterous and definitely no tickling or throwing kids about. Luckily I'm strong and can do all that.

I do get why it seems a bit sad, but some people really cannot do it

Newyearnothingchanges · 01/01/2025 13:41

polpolpolpol · 01/01/2025 13:38

It's normal for a man who is opting out. Probably not what you want to hear, but he could absolutely be present and involved for his child if he wanted to be.

What do you mean opting out, why would he?

OP posts:
WigglyVonWaggly · 01/01/2025 13:41

It sounds as if he’s not very creative / playful / imaginative and can’t be arsed to pretend that he is for the sake of his child. Is he like that in terms of his own interests (not very imaginative)? We all have times where we are tired and don’t want to play and have to force the effort but to not even bother when its NYE is bad. You said he was sleeping when it wasn’t night time: is he using sleep as an excuse to get away or is he struggling all the time with his energy levels?

Newyearnothingchanges · 01/01/2025 13:44

I just feel like shouting’Loosen up, relax, try to have fun at least, make a bloody effort!’

He’s back at work tomorrow, probably miserable about that, although been off since the 20th

OP posts:
polpolpolpol · 01/01/2025 13:46

What do you mean opting out, why would he?

He is opting out, I can't say why I don't know anything about you all, but he is choosing not to play with his child. He can choose to join in if he wants. He isn't.

littlesnatchabook · 01/01/2025 13:47

Buxomblondie · 01/01/2025 13:40

My dh is a bit like this. He's on the spectrum, has GAD (anxiety) and he just can't seem to join in with playful things. Hes never been able to and he honestly looks so pained if anyone pushes him into it, so it isnt fair to.

He does loads with the kids aside from playing in the house. He takes them more places than I do tbh. Swimming, mini golf, park, go ape etc and also takes them on walks, errands and more boring/useful stuff as well.

He will build train tracks with them and also likes bringing card games to the pub if we go there for tea. He just hates being really playful or boisterous and definitely no tickling or throwing kids about. Luckily I'm strong and can do all that.

I do get why it seems a bit sad, but some people really cannot do it

Edited

OP is he present with your daughter in other ways, like this DH?

Zae134 · 01/01/2025 13:50

Did his dad play with him? I only ask as I have a similar qualm with my DH at times, I'm always the one initiating games or making a silly joke. He'll get involved but he can be a proper grumpy sod. When we had a chat about it one night, he talked about his own childhood, which was lovely and supportive but his parents were very solemn people (particularly his dad), and no-one really 'played'. He opened up that he feels a bit embarrassed when he tries to play. I think we sometimes forget that there are other ways in which families live- not every parent will be happy with a louder/silly house, and not every parent will be happy to live in silence or just watching tv. Neither is the 'correct' way to live, if he is loving then this might just be a facet of his character that you clash on, and each of you will need to compromise for the other.

Pollyanna87 · 01/01/2025 13:50

I think it’s best to give him an ultimatum, it’s no way to live long-term.

olympicsrock · 01/01/2025 13:51

We never play board games and rarely play cards. None of us really enjoy it. I don’t think my kids are missing out.

The dangling upside down thing would get a stop cocking about here…
As long as he is engaged with them and smily/ loving / talks to them that is all that matters.

I think YABU really to assume that everyone likes the same things .

Onlyvisiting · 01/01/2025 13:52

That type of play would be really awkward for me. Any make believe games, silly wrestling, things that are supposed to make you look or feel silly make me really uncomfortable and I'd find it very hard to fake.
More structured things like crafting together, drawing, building train tracks, lego, making things from play dough, playing normal board games or card games I love.
Is there anything he would find it easier to engage with?
And FWIW my parents NEVER played make believe type games with us or physical wrestling type things (our dad did lift us up to walk on the ceiling when we were little) and I had a massive imagination as a child, it would never have occurred to me to include my parents in that kind of game.

Newyearnothingchanges · 01/01/2025 13:52

littlesnatchabook · 01/01/2025 13:47

OP is he present with your daughter in other ways, like this DH?

Sometimes he’ll take her out to the playground or to nature places to look for fossils, she enjoys it, but that’s more what he likes to do. He sits and watches tv or music with her

OP posts:
Newyearnothingchanges · 01/01/2025 13:53

Zae134 · 01/01/2025 13:50

Did his dad play with him? I only ask as I have a similar qualm with my DH at times, I'm always the one initiating games or making a silly joke. He'll get involved but he can be a proper grumpy sod. When we had a chat about it one night, he talked about his own childhood, which was lovely and supportive but his parents were very solemn people (particularly his dad), and no-one really 'played'. He opened up that he feels a bit embarrassed when he tries to play. I think we sometimes forget that there are other ways in which families live- not every parent will be happy with a louder/silly house, and not every parent will be happy to live in silence or just watching tv. Neither is the 'correct' way to live, if he is loving then this might just be a facet of his character that you clash on, and each of you will need to compromise for the other.

Edited

They were a happy, jokey family, can’t imagine them playing board games or cards etc, his dad took him on adventures in the woods sometimes

OP posts:
polpolpolpol · 01/01/2025 13:53

@olympicsrock

We never play board games and rarely play cards. None of us really enjoy it. I don’t think my kids are missing out.

OPDD feels differently though. She was 'begging' him to come down and play.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 01/01/2025 13:54

I love love love a board game or card game but the jumper thing sounds like a total nightmare. It’s just forced fun, which isn’t for everyone.

I think some people just need to know what their ‘thing’ is, and isn’t regarding play. When mine were little I spent hours doing craft with them in a bid to avoid the “Mummy will you play Dolly’s tea party/cats and dogs/fairies with me” because I’d rather kick myself in the face than do imaginative play. Whereas DH loved all that imaginative play stuff. Is he good at other things?

LadyOfACertainAge · 01/01/2025 13:55

Without knowing too much of the details you might be being unreasonable. You have fond memories of playing with your dad and want you DH to recreate those with your daughter. But they need to find their own ways of having fun together. What you have described sounds hellish to me but I still have fun with my kids.

Pigeonqueen · 01/01/2025 13:55

Newyearnothingchanges · 01/01/2025 13:52

Sometimes he’ll take her out to the playground or to nature places to look for fossils, she enjoys it, but that’s more what he likes to do. He sits and watches tv or music with her

Sounds like he just doesn’t want to do the same things as you then. That’s okay.

Newyearnothingchanges · 01/01/2025 13:55

olympicsrock · 01/01/2025 13:51

We never play board games and rarely play cards. None of us really enjoy it. I don’t think my kids are missing out.

The dangling upside down thing would get a stop cocking about here…
As long as he is engaged with them and smily/ loving / talks to them that is all that matters.

I think YABU really to assume that everyone likes the same things .

It’s playing..,with a 6 year old..would I rather be doing something else…yes probably…! I do it for her, it’s what she needs and I end up enjoying board games etc, but it’s not that fun with just two of us

OP posts:
Nn9011 · 01/01/2025 13:56

Sometimes we think the worst and I think that's what the comment about opting out means but we also need to think about socialisation. Girls are given babies and taught how to be mummy's and boys really aren't and as basic as that sounds, sometimes if their personality is not automatically gravitates towards play it means as dad's men can struggle.
I would approach it gently, remove any emotions and say what you observe. "I notice you struggle to play games, or I noticed this is your reaction, how do you feel about that? Etc."
You can also talk about the impact without emotions " when you do x I feel or get concerned about y" whilst not showing that emotion in the moment if that makes sense.

I once had a day out with a friend and her kids and she said to me that watching me play with the kids made her realise she has no idea how to play in the same way. I didn't think I was doing anything but basic interaction for play (we were at a soft play) but for her she struggled to think of games or play. Still a brilliant mum but that just wasn't one of her strengths. Maybe that's the same for you DH.

ChippedIkeaFurniture · 01/01/2025 13:57

He’s a fun sponge who only likes to do what he likes to do and if made to do anything else will be a miserable grump and ruin it for everyone else.

Newyearnothingchanges · 01/01/2025 13:58

Pigeonqueen · 01/01/2025 13:55

Sounds like he just doesn’t want to do the same things as you then. That’s okay.

He rarely does this without prompting from me and again, it’s him that likes looking for fossils, Dd didn’t express an interest

OP posts:
rwalker · 01/01/2025 13:58

Stuff like this is some people’s idea of hell

adding the pressure to perform and the forced enjoyment of something you don’t like just makes it more uncomfortable

YellowPixie · 01/01/2025 13:59

Some people just aren't into those sorts of silly games which they think make them look foolish. They would be happier playing scrabble/monopoly/frustration style board game, just not one with forfeits or challenges.

It's a bit like dancing - I do not dance. Like ever. I just do not get what is fun about it. But I'm OK with something like a ceilidh. You just need to find a game which suits you ALL.

Newyearnothingchanges · 01/01/2025 13:59

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 01/01/2025 13:54

I love love love a board game or card game but the jumper thing sounds like a total nightmare. It’s just forced fun, which isn’t for everyone.

I think some people just need to know what their ‘thing’ is, and isn’t regarding play. When mine were little I spent hours doing craft with them in a bid to avoid the “Mummy will you play Dolly’s tea party/cats and dogs/fairies with me” because I’d rather kick myself in the face than do imaginative play. Whereas DH loved all that imaginative play stuff. Is he good at other things?

Yes the jumper thing was a nightmare for me too, but was part of the board game as it said it on a challenge card

OP posts:
ShesNotACowShesAFox · 01/01/2025 14:00

Was it an exploding kitten type game? This is why all board games are heavily vetted before being bought in this house 😂 can’t bear “fun” challenges.

Swipe left for the next trending thread