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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh can’t play

322 replies

Newyearnothingchanges · 01/01/2025 13:33

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 14:14

TENSsion · 02/01/2025 14:08

It’s not OP’s responsibility.
She doesn’t expect him to help her come up with ways for her to bond and spend time with their daughter.
She’s already doing the majority of parenting. She shouldn’t be guilt tripped into being responsible for his minuscule interactions.

This is a fully grown man we’re talking about. He holds down a job. He manages to find hobbies. I don’t think he needs his hand holding to come up with ideas to spend time with his daughter. He comes up with enough ideas to avoid it, after all.

Fuck my fucking life. Did you not just read the post where I said it wasn’t OP’s responsibility to do the thinking and planning? If you are going to reply, please know what you are replying to.

TENSsion · 02/01/2025 14:17

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 14:14

Fuck my fucking life. Did you not just read the post where I said it wasn’t OP’s responsibility to do the thinking and planning? If you are going to reply, please know what you are replying to.

You then went on to say:

If you can’t be bothered to understand what makes your husband tick,

which places the responsibility firmly, and with a huge dollop of guilt tripping, at the OP’s feet.

If you are going to reply, please know what you are writing.

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 14:54

TENSsion · 02/01/2025 14:17

You then went on to say:

If you can’t be bothered to understand what makes your husband tick,

which places the responsibility firmly, and with a huge dollop of guilt tripping, at the OP’s feet.

If you are going to reply, please know what you are writing.

That line was a more general reference to OP not seeming to understand the differences in character between her and her husband. It wasn’t a reference to organising fun.

Love how you used my words back at me - did it give you a little tingle.

TENSsion · 02/01/2025 14:58

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 14:54

That line was a more general reference to OP not seeming to understand the differences in character between her and her husband. It wasn’t a reference to organising fun.

Love how you used my words back at me - did it give you a little tingle.

Are you ok?

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 14:58

TENSsion · 02/01/2025 14:58

Are you ok?

Yeah fine. You will be too when you calm down.

SereneFish · 02/01/2025 15:10

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 14:58

Yeah fine. You will be too when you calm down.

Pot and kettle.

FiveWhatByFiveWhat · 02/01/2025 15:27

TENSsion · 02/01/2025 14:08

It’s not OP’s responsibility.
She doesn’t expect him to help her come up with ways for her to bond and spend time with their daughter.
She’s already doing the majority of parenting. She shouldn’t be guilt tripped into being responsible for his minuscule interactions.

This is a fully grown man we’re talking about. He holds down a job. He manages to find hobbies. I don’t think he needs his hand holding to come up with ideas to spend time with his daughter. He comes up with enough ideas to avoid it, after all.

Spot on.

LakieLady · 02/01/2025 16:12

Gwenhwyfar · 01/01/2025 15:30

"some people really cannot do it"

This is the case for me. I guess I'm not a playful person. Board games I can just about cope with, but any game where I have to play as if I were a child myself, I just can't do and team sports are totally impossible.
I don't have children of my own, but I don't think it would be a disaster if I did. I have other things to contribute.

I'm exactly the same, @Gwenhwyfar. The thought of having to play some sort of "pretending" game makes my heart sink.

I'll happily play card games though.

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 16:19

SereneFish · 02/01/2025 15:10

Pot and kettle.

Not really. I’m watching Squid Game with only half a mind on this. I don’t care how anyone feeds their baby. What I do mind is people disrespecting others’ boundaries in their own homes. If you don’t like the rules don’t visit.

TENSsion · 02/01/2025 16:53

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 16:19

Not really. I’m watching Squid Game with only half a mind on this. I don’t care how anyone feeds their baby. What I do mind is people disrespecting others’ boundaries in their own homes. If you don’t like the rules don’t visit.

Who said anything about “feeding their baby”?

Comtesse · 02/01/2025 17:01

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/01/2025 15:16

He absolutely could have been getting ill for years and years. An autoimmune disease such as AS takes years to develop, years to become more than just a dull ache with odd moments of stiffness and more intense pain, years for the vertebrae to slowly and permanently fuse together

Even your description of him perching on the edge of the sofa, making himself sit on the floor when instructed to by your DD and generally preferring to sit in a desk chair is subtly yelling he's in a lot of pain.

Umm what?? Seems like an enormous leap to me that he’s in excruciating pain.

Seems more likely that he’s a grumpy arse than has a chronic back condition, if we are making big assumptions……

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 02/01/2025 18:03

There was a post the other from a mum who said she doesn't know how to play with her child. Finds it difficult and just not something she feels she can attempt.

Some people just aren't players.
Did you play card games when you were dating?

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 18:05

TENSsion · 02/01/2025 16:53

Who said anything about “feeding their baby”?

Wrong thread 😂

MattieandmummyandIs · 02/01/2025 18:56

My husband is like this, it's like having silly loud fun physically pains him and he will quite happily leave all the child play interactions to me. He's more than likely autistic/ has ADHD or both and add into that his own childhood was pretty miserable. My mother in law seems to view life as something to be endured rather than enjoyed which is pretty sad really.

Maybe you need to consider the wider picture of your lives together and decide if it's something you want to pursue or try to move on from.

Nantescalling · 02/01/2025 19:41

Maybe this will convince him to be a martye for her sake ! I have to admit, I would do anything toavoid playing board games, pormarily because I am a very bad loser.....
www.childdevelopmentclinic.com.au/benefits-of-board-games-for-children-and-their-families.html

Gogogo12345 · 03/01/2025 16:58

ForZanyAquaViewer · 01/01/2025 22:19

I also found it incredibly depressing, tbh. There is so much more to being a parent than providing for basic needs and then letting them become ‘self sufficient’. A 6 year old doesn’t need to be self sufficient and if they are, they’ve been failed.

Children thrive on attention and play. Engagement with their adult carers (usually parents) is one of the most important factors (some consider it to be THE most important factor) in their mental and emotional development. A playful indulgent parent is better than a background one.

Not sure the interactions need to be play though. When I was very small ( definitely under 8) I can ne er ever remember my mother playing silly games with any of us. She did however involve us in housework, laundry reading to us etc. But ot board games or playfighting

ForZanyAquaViewer · 03/01/2025 17:37

Gogogo12345 · 03/01/2025 16:58

Not sure the interactions need to be play though. When I was very small ( definitely under 8) I can ne er ever remember my mother playing silly games with any of us. She did however involve us in housework, laundry reading to us etc. But ot board games or playfighting

I thought this was really informative: www.csap.cam.ac.uk/media/uploads/files/1/david-whitebread---importance-of-play-report.pdf

If you’re interested in the topic - you might enjoy it. It also has the merit of not being very long. 😊

Gogogo12345 · 04/01/2025 01:21

ForZanyAquaViewer · 03/01/2025 17:37

I thought this was really informative: www.csap.cam.ac.uk/media/uploads/files/1/david-whitebread---importance-of-play-report.pdf

If you’re interested in the topic - you might enjoy it. It also has the merit of not being very long. 😊

Well it's just about getting importance of lpay. Doesn't say anything about it having to be parents playing with them.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/01/2025 01:30

Gogogo12345 · 04/01/2025 01:21

Well it's just about getting importance of lpay. Doesn't say anything about it having to be parents playing with them.

Did you read it?

Pickled21 · 04/01/2025 01:40

I'm not that great at playing tbh. I find playing with dolls or trains mindnumbing. I will play boardgames but one of mine will be a sore loser and ends up crying which sucks the fun out of it really. I am good at reading with all 3 and do that one one one and sometimes all together, I will colour with them, arts and crafts and do lots of cooking, baking dancing and singing. The point of me sharing is that I basically had to come up with my own ways of having fun with the kids. Your dh should want to find his own way of connecting and having fun with his dd.

GoingOffScript · 04/01/2025 08:14

@Pickled21 But that IS play, at least from my perspective. The OP is saying (I think) that her partner doesn’t really engage that much with his DD. If it’s that he can’t be bothered (won’t play) that’s a serious relationship issue. If it’s that he doesn’t know how (can’t), and not everyone does, then I think he deserves to be encouraged to do stuff that interests him and may draw in his DD.

If he feels he’s being judged for “doing it wrong/not playing right”… no wonder he doesn’t want to play.

Personally, I hated all the silly stuff and let my partner get on with that. I look back at recordings of me drawing, baking watering the plants, watching stuff grow in the greenhouse, just talking with my now adult DS and it’s joyous (and hilarious) for us both.

Nantescalling · 04/01/2025 18:57

Gogogo12345 · 04/01/2025 01:21

Well it's just about getting importance of lpay. Doesn't say anything about it having to be parents playing with them.

Is that your way of saying 'thank you' ?

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