Dh can’t play

[Newyearnothingchanges]

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

Some people don’t like board games or don’t really get ‘play.’ My mum was very much like this, I don’t ever remember her joining in with board games or toys or games outside etc. My Dad would.

Does he spend time with her in other ways? Watching a film? Reading a story? Going for a bike ride? Going for a walk? A day out? Doing baking or arts and crafts ta? What does he do on the computer? Would he play a 2-person video game like Mario Kart with her?

It’s important he spends quality time with his DD but it doesn’t have to be through playing a game!

Do you think so? Not just can never be bothered? 😕

No, what's happening here is one parent making all the effort with their child and the other parent sitting around looking miserable.

Also, do you not expect parents to ever spend time with their child at the same time?

Is it possible that your DH is just a bit of a selfish dick?

Sign me up please! This sounds great!

Not an expert, but DP and two of my brothers have diagnosed ADHD (one brother is medicated, other brother and DP aren't and haven't been by choice since childhood) and they're not like this. It sounds more like depression.

What do you mean?

I'd rather chew my own arm off than play a board game, a game of trivial pursuit or uno are about my limit.

I'm also in my 40s with back issues, so know when I can jump about and when I can't. So totally possible he's in pain.

When my kids were little, I really couldn't "play" with them. Now they're tweens/teens we have an absolute blast, good laugh and it's great. But not a chance you'd have caught me sat down playing make believe games, barbies etc..

Also, you need to stop your 6yo ruling the house. She isn't the guide by which fun is measured, she's 6!!

It’s a case of not wanting to.

There are some men out there (and I’m not saying this to excuse them) who can’t bear the idea of doing anything that they haven’t fully chosen to do - that can’t see why they should ever have to put themselves out or make an effort. Who can’t see that this is part of being a parent.

Equally, these types don’t seem to be able to see an evening with their family as an event, as a commitment, that they need to put their game face on for and participate in.

I don’t know what the answer is. I divorced mine.

She didn’t like playing with her children so let other children come around so she didn’t have to bother.

Yes, just hobby -designs and things

Yes me too! Put me down for c!

I don’t think so. ADHD can make it hard to focus on tasks you consider boring/ repetitive/ monotonous which I guess could relate to some kids games but I wouldn’t say the behaviour you’ve listed here sounds like it would have anything to do with adhd.

My Mum didn’t do it much for us - my grandfather was the one who did it lots with us. My Mum, however, was brilliant at it with my DC. If you’re the GP and out of your own house, you don’t have the millions of obligations buzzing round your head that make surrendering to imaginative play easier.

It’s really hard when you’ve got piles of jobs to do, you’re thinking about the next meal, clearing up etc, to put your heart into to.

That said, if time has been put aside for “fun” like the OP’s NYE then it’s mean not to take part.

"some people really cannot do it"

This is the case for me. I guess I'm not a playful person. Board games I can just about cope with, but any game where I have to play as if I were a child myself, I just can't do and team sports are totally impossible.
I don't have children of my own, but I don't think it would be a disaster if I did. I have other things to contribute.

So your poor daughter received some new games for christmas and wants to play with her whole family and your husband just refuses everything?

You have to beg him to spend time with her. And when he finally does it is always one of his interests?

Your daughter also plays alone and with friends?

But your daughter when she wants to play with him she has to beg? And when he finally does agree to play he acts like a grump and says he has a sore back?

Just summarising as a lot of people have missed a lot of the info it seems.

I mean he does need to make more of an effort and play the games his daughter wants to play. Even if it is silly he cant make you do it all. As you said you dislike some of the games and you play them. Part of being a parent. Imagine making your child beg to play a boardgame with you.

Seriously???!

That’s great then, at least you know for sure it’s because he’s checked out and talking to someone else.

On the downside, then it just sounds like he’s fundamentally selfish. I’m not a board game/silliness person myself (Uno, at most) but you have to make an effort for your children.

My greatest heartbreak was that my DD hated colouring and reading, my favourite things as a kid 😭 but you just can’t and shouldn’t force them to. It’s play time, not Pyongyang.

He needs to do more with his DD and be more involved, I agree. I just don't think it's a massive deal if this doesn't take the form of playing games very often.

The game and enforced fun sound like hell to me. I don't blame him

I agree with most of what you’re saying. I suppose my only question would be whether OP discussed what they would be doing for ‘fun’ on NYE with her DH or if she just went ahead and planned a night of board games without chatting to him about what he would have enjoyed. They could have just as easily had a fun family evening watching a movie, going for a walk, going bowling, arts and crafts at home etc. Did they decide together how to have a fun evening or did the OP just plan something without finding out if he was on board? Some people do hate board games, plus I can see why if you have a bad back a game with a physical aspect wouldn’t be ideal.

Hi @Newyearnothingchanges it sounds like there’s a few things going on here, and you’ve had lots of good suggestions. I have no idea re ADHD but I did want to say I had to learn how to play with my DS from my MIL as my own mother (and probably father) just didn’t do the sort of getting on the floor with the little kids type of play. My mother even said she was pleased when I learned to read as then I was quiet and not needing interaction. Of course she was present and attentive in other ways but she herself said once I had DS ‘I don’t play like that’. So your DH may never have had it modelled to him and he genuinely doesn’t understand what’s being asked of him. I did lots of imaginative play on my own as a child but with DS I was able to join in. None of us is neurodiverse.

re board games - families approach them very differently. My DH’s family are incredibly collaborative and kind (and my MIL hates monopoly, though DS used to love it) and my DH dislikes some of the more competitive and judgmental attitudes from my family when he’s seen us playing board games. Just some food for thought - hope it helps. Does your DH have siblings and how do they play?

That’s an awful lot of excuses for this useless dad. We all do things we don’t enjoy for our kids sometimes - indeed for anyone we care about.

You could be describing my best friend’s husband, Op. He was / is a lazy, inattentive dad when his DC were babies and it didn’t improve as they got older. Finally my friend has stopped making excuses for him and is divorcing him. His DC aren’t very interested in keeping contact.

I think you need to find things you all enjoy.

The game you describe would be a big no for me, I hate these type of games, give me cards or Ludo and I am happy.

My dad never really played with us, he didn't grew up with a dad playing, that wasn't done when he was a child. He never read to us or did arts and craft.

But - he taught me to swim and cycle, was the designated taxi driver without saying anything that I needed a lift at 10pm after the cinema at the other end of the town. He would help me with anything hands-on, he taught me to change a tyre.

Some people aren't very much into young children.

DH is an absolute hands-on dad but pretend play - he would rather eat a jar of chili paste. Arts and craft - he would voluntarily dig up the garden.

But he will happily play rough, had the patience of a saint when DD just never really got the hang on cycling, would spend hours in the pool with her as I hate swimming.

I can't believe how many people are saying it's ok because they don't like board games either.

Do you like:
Standing around a wet and windy playground?
Going to a noisy public swimming pool at 9am on a Sunday morning?
Answering 4000 x 'But why?' questions every hour?
Colouring in farmyard animals?
Listening to 3000 x Frere Jaques on the recorder?
Watching 300 episodes of Peppa Pig?
Having other small people in your house who moan about the food/games/dog/funny smell and then cry and scream for two hours, only to invite them again the following week?
Spending your hard earned money on talking plastic tat?

I would answer 'no' to all of the above, but we did it all as a team because it brings the DC joy and if they can't have that when they are little, then what's the fucking point. I hated playground and swimming especially, so DH did more of this and I did more crafting/colouring/playdate logistics, but we each did things we actively disliked because that's what you do.

I don't know if your DH is depressed or anything else, but I think it's far more likely that he is selfish, can't be arsed to do things that bore/irritate him, and is trying to establish a playing field where he 'doesn't do that' so you stop asking. It's bullshit I tell you.