Dh can’t play

[Newyearnothingchanges]

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

My kids didn't miss out by not playing those sorts of silly games

Why has it got to be what you decide? Are there any your Dh would chose?

I agree with all this 100%!

It’s different if you have multiple kids though. Kids learn through play, if there are multiple kids they can play with each other. If you only have one then you need to suck it up and play with them.

I get it totally, I don’t like the silly stuff either (Dd does) but he doesn’t express interest or do any of the other board games either

When mine were children I was always up for playing board games , football etc , as was my husband , but I can’t even feign an interest in ‘imaginative play / make believe ‘ . Fortunately my mum was happy to do that kind of thing when they went there . It does sound like your husband has checked out of family life , maybe he is depressed , it’s certainly something I’d be having a conversation about because it’s no way to live . My question would be why is he in bed asleep during the day because that wouldn’t have happened here unless someone is sick .

I’d love him to initiate/choose something to play, I wouldn’t care what it is, it’s always down to me

You say he complained about back pain - but also complain about him not doing activities that all present a significant change of causing excruciating back pain (rough and tumble play, climbing on his back, football, playing a game where he has to pick her up from a strange angle, getting on the floor, restricting his arms and then getting back up again, leaning over to play board games).

Could he just have a bloody painful back?

Back pain in men can often be associated with autoimmune conditions such as Anklyosing Spondylitis and usually begin between 18 and 40 years old. Extreme tiredness (as well as poor quality sleep due to pain) is also a symptom, as is an inflammatory-mediated drop in mood.

There are fun but not silly games out there too

Would he sit and colour with her, or do play doh or the sand stuff? I find that with arts and crafts there’s something for everyone

Dd has been waking up
v early the last month, so we haven’t been getting as much sleep as usual. He’s nearly always like this though

It’s just from his work, only really when he’s sat on the rug to play games, dd likes us cosy all
sat on here sometimes

He does sometimes with prompting from me or Dd but doesn’t initiate

You might find this recent thread relatable OP...
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226650-to-think-that-some-men-steal-the-joy?reply=140823167

Basically, he is putting his own needs (I'm tired etc) before the needs of his daughter.
He can't be bothered to play with his own child which is pretty poor.
I have a 6 year old and yes, I am sick to death of building marble runs and car ramps and would rather sit down and watch tv but I do it because I want my child to be happy.

Surely because she likes that it doesn't mean he has to do it if he finds it physically uncomfortable.

No he doesn’t have to, he usually sits on the edge of the sofa or on the carpet for 5 mins

I can't think of anything more boring than board games, and a screeching child on the sofa sounds painful for everyone.

I don't think your husband HAS to join in any of that nonsense if he doesn't want to.

The issue is that he's not doing much instead. I am the mother, I don't "play" with my kids because I am not a martyr and when I am home I have things to do, BUT I take them everywhere and we do loads out of the house, and it's working well.

Sometimes he’ll take her out to the playground or to nature places to look for fossils, she enjoys it, but that’s more what he likes to do. He sits and watches tv or music with her
that's absolutely fine, he should share the things he likes with her, BUT he should be doing something EVERYDAY. You have kids, you spend hours with them, or supporting them on the sideline, that's being a parent.

It sounds like you had a great childhood, neither of my parents played, I remember we played monopoly once and my mum left the game early to do something else, I remember I was so excited as I'd never played monopoly before, I must have been about 10. I remember she had a bad vibe through it before she got up and left. Neither of them wanted to be parents and were also very abusive.

I am NC with all of them, except one I am low contact with due to living closely to and see once or twice a year in the local convenience shop if I'm dashing in for milk, and it's superficial exchange of pleasantries.

In comparison now DH and I both make an effort to play games regularly, last night it was charades for a good while and then some console gaming, so a mix of old and new gaming.

DH is also supporting their music tuition with practice at home as he knows how to play and they enjoy that together.

Has your dh always been like that? Miserable? Does he do anything else well as a parent?

He's controlling you and your family with his bad moods.

My DH is brilliant at playing, very physical but also good at getting down on the floor and playing trains, pretend, Lego, everything.
I am crap at playing. I like to go out to the park or to soft play or swimming. Whereas op's DH doesn't appear to really do anything, and that's not on.

I don't think you can turn someone into a gamer if they just don't enjoy it. Maybe get some 2 player games to play with DD and let him do activities with her that he enjoys.

Have you considered that he might actually be unwell? If he is tired and in discomfort and sleeping more than seems usual, he might benefit from a chat with the GP?

He might also just be a quieter person than you and DD. He has as much right to be himself as well as you two, and he may be more in tune with DD as she grows older (though I may be a bit prejudiced in his favour as I love fossil hunting 🦕🪸)

I don't mind a quiz or something but I don't like playing games where you have to act out things, even with my own family.

It doesnt sound it about not having fun, it sound like he doesnt want to be a part of the family.

I can't believe 27% of people think your husband's behaviour is acceptable. Playing with your children isn't optional.