Dh can’t play

[Newyearnothingchanges]

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

Do you ever initiate play with her?

This is excellent advice OP. Google parallel play :-)

Thanks! But I don't think playing games together counts as parallel play, it's just playing together, surely?

He sounds a bore.
If his daughter wants to.play he should play.
They aren't young for long. Soon be grown up.

You are right- in typical fashion I have jumped too far ahead in the conversation:-) perhaps better advice would be to google neurodivergent love languages (of which parallel play is one).

My goal was to encourage OP (and others who have commented on this thread) to learn more about how different people really can be. I guess where people might start on this task will depend on how aware of this they are already.

Yep, absolutely this. I cannot believe how many people are missing the very clear issue here - it is not that he doesn't do CERTAIN things, it is that he barely engages AT ALL and when he does it is occasional, reluctant and after being prompted.

Asking a parent to find a way to enthusiastically engage with their own child (with something they will both enjoy, not occasionally allowing the child to tag along to one of your hobbies, after being prompted to do so) is not a big ask. It is actually very basic.

“My goal was to encourage OP (and others who have commented on this thread) to learn more about how different people really can be.”

But you expect a six year old to adapt how they are and how they want to play because an adult is uncomfortable initiating play with their own child?

That’s ridiculous.

You can’t seriously believe it’s acceptable for an adult to “parallel play” with their own child? That simply being in the same room as them is all the interaction and attention a six year old needs from their own parent?

It’s neglect.

No I really don't expect that at all.

I'll leave it there if you don't mind as I sense I am going to find it difficult to communicate with you, and I see that I may have explained myself badly (and may therefore continue to do so).

I just wanted to write a quick response as I really wouldn't like people to think that I was saying that the 6 year old is the one who needs to be more understanding and adapt their behavior in this situation.

I get what you mean and for what it's worth I didn't think you meant the child should have to adapt. But (if I'm reading it correctly) the implication was that the Mum/wife should learn more about things and give her DH ideas about interacting with their daughter? Which is one way of doing it, but it takes the onus away from him and puts more on her.

He is an adult who, I assume, chose to have a child. Children need parental engagement, despite what some posters on here seem to think. He needs to make an effort at finding something they both enjoy and take initiative at spending time with her. Say if they both like animals? Set a reminder "Saturday take DD to the farm/zoo/birdwatching". Or "spend Sunday baking" Get a Lego set they can do together or have whole family cinema dates. Anything that they can do together that he initiates.

His daughter shouldn't need to beg for a bit of engagement and it shouldn't be up to his wife to research and remind him that maybe it'd be good to find a way to spend time with his kid without making a drama out of it.

As I said in my previous post, sooner or later the daughter will know just how little he enjoys being with her and will stop bothering. And that will be really sad for all concerned.

Some people just really aren't good at being playful. If he interacts with her in a positive way, reading or doing homework, crafts, projects etc they can still have a wonderful relationship. I don't personally like to play, but I do for my children. I don't think my mother ever did, but we still all felt very loved by her.

I agree with everything you have said.

Oh right! If you look at my ‘sad’ original post you will see I said I have a niece who loves art, as do I, so I can identify with that sort of play and in fact do. There are other types of interaction us quieter sorts use, so definitely crafting, painting, drawing, I’ve done that with all my nieces and nephews, I just don’t do the more physical play that this post is about.

Also all the statements you have picked out from my post, I still stand by them, I thinks parents are scared these days to just let their kids be bored and find things to do, it’s ok for adults and kids to have their own time, it’s ok to tell a child to find something to do or you will find them a chore, that actually helps them develop sometimes better than a child who gets constant gratification, I still believe that and I still love my parents even though they didn’t take me on magical adventures or throw me in the air. I played by myself or with other kids while they lived in their adult world working hard manual jobs and keeping our heads above water, I don’t mind that in their downtime they just wanted to relax, but all us kids on the estate I grew up on just vanished out the home and played together until it got dark and we were called in, it was fun.

You can’t make someone change their personality, and he’s probably never going to be that fun, jokey parent. I know I’m not and feel bad about it sometimes. I plan fun days out and adventures, watch tv shows with my kids, will play card games and quieter board games, but the thought of ‘fun challenges’ brings me out in a cold sweat. We were with friends on New Year’s Eve and they decided to do a ‘who can do the funniest dance’ contest - I just couldn’t do it, excused myself and felt like I was letting my kids down and being a total fun sponge (I literally wouldn’t even know where to start - I can’t even dance normally). I’m introverted and probably autistic and grew up in a very quiet, very serious house where no-one ever played and I was told off for being ‘silly’. I’d love to be more fun (probably your dh would too) but… I’m just not, and when I try it’s just excruciatingly awkward. Maybe try to find some compromises - try a card game like ‘Uno’ or ‘Dobble’, watch funny shows together, invite friends over who are extrovert and fun and play funny games with them (letting dh do something else).

But OP's DH doesn't do any of that stuff, and the little he does is only when prompted by OP/DD. It's a completely different situation.

I was talking about suiting the kids’ moods, situations and personality types, not the adults’. If the kids wanted to do things other than the things you like/want to do, what would your response be?

I picked those parts from your post, because when I responded to the whole thing, you appeared not to know what I was talking about. You can stand by it if you like, I think it’s sad. We’re talking about young kids, here (OP’s DD is 6), not preteens. They should not be ‘vanishing out of the home’ and playing till dark because their parents can’t be bothered with the bits of parenting they don’t enjoy.

Fair enough

The most arguments I ever had with dh is for him to engage with dc. I had to be very insistent and prompt dh to spend quality time with dc.

Luckily dh really adores his dc, so even though playing or engaging didn't come naturally (possibly because of the way dh was brought up), he does regularly play with dc now.
I still have to keep an eye as he sometimes expects more of dc than age appropriate etc, but I do think it's very important for dc to have dh attention and input so I'm keeping at it, even if dh may be occasionally resenting me.

I would adjust expectation from dh, as to not be disappointed, but definitely keep pushing for more. Don't expect him to join in on his own accord but include him most times and ignore the initial reluctance. Hopefully, he'll get there. Good luck.

I think she was suggesting the OP did the reading and understanding. And that getting a better understanding of her husband will help them plan family time and play that they all enjoy.

Your response verges on a wilful misunderstanding of what the poster wrote.

I don't blame you, such an antagonistic post.

But why should all the onus to research and come up with ideas because on @Newyearnothingchanges ?? Her husband is not diagnosed with anything, so how would she even know what to accurately research? And why can't he do any of this, why can't he take some initiative and make an effort to improve his relationship with his child?

Some people don't enjoy games. It's just how it is.

There will be other ways to connect. Encourage other avenues without berating him.

My father was exactly the same. I'm still slightly traumatised from my mother insisting on playing a family game each Christmas.

He did teach me to play chess which we loved. Chess is a methodical, mathematical quiet game and he loved this.

Thankfully everyone is not the same. Embrace the differences and don't force sociability on introverts.

Being forced to " play and have fun" is awful and i absolutely hate it!

How so?

I didn’t say OP should do all the thinking and planning - I said that by understanding him better “they” (meaning both of them) can come up with ideas which are fun for everybody.

It really doesn’t matter if he has a diagnosis for anything or not, they have different ideas of fun and need to find a way forward.

If you can’t be bothered to understand what makes your husband tick, it’s really time to get a divorce as you are already emotionally separated.

It’s not OP’s responsibility.
She doesn’t expect him to help her come up with ways for her to bond and spend time with their daughter.
She’s already doing the majority of parenting. She shouldn’t be guilt tripped into being responsible for his minuscule interactions.

This is a fully grown man we’re talking about. He holds down a job. He manages to find hobbies. I don’t think he needs his hand holding to come up with ideas to spend time with his daughter. He comes up with enough ideas to avoid it, after all.