Dh can’t play

[Newyearnothingchanges]

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

Lots of people hate board games.

Were a board gaming family and various relies have loved/hated it.

If he is in actual pain from his back you are being wildly unreasonable

Board games, cards, silly games etc. aren't for everyone. I can understand him really reluctantly joining in.
It's only a problem imo if he doesn't EVER do fun things with your daughter. What that looks like is different for everyone - so it could be going swimming, or for a nature walk, or to museums, or cooking, or even helping with DIY or his hobbies.
Fun doesn't have to be structured games - honestly I used to have the most fun with my dad when we went plane spotting or when he let me help him cook. My best friend at primary school's favourite thing was to "help" her dad with motorbike maintenance and going to motorbike events with him.
If he's doing the bare minimum of 'leisure' interactions with your daughter then it's a problem. But if he's showing up and getting involved in a variety of other ways - even if it's the stuff he tends to enjoy anyway - then that's absolutely fine.
And if you/your daughter want to play structured games, maybe ask him to pick a couple that he likes the sound of.

I’m a quiet person too, but I have a child

Don’t think he could have been ill for years and years…

He’s happy now as Dds neighbour pal is here, so he doesn’t have to do anything

I played board games with mine under sufferance, I hate things like that. I also would never play wrestling games etc. Again not my thing. I did loads of other things with them, puzzles, craft, outdoor things,trips out, walking etc. I kinda feel for him, but I guess it depends what other stuff he does with her.

i think it’s fine for parents to lead with their own interests. You are, after all.

This is going to sound harsh but I'm getting the impression that your DD really rules the roost. Choosing where you sit to play games even though it's uncomfortable for DH. Dangling off the sofa screeching for attention when he's busy on the computer. As for "she's been waking up early"... she's bloody 6! She stays in bed quietly and reads a book or plays in her room until it's time for everyone to be up. She can also play more grown up board games - not shite about taking jumpers off like you're describing - given your DH finds it a nightmare.

Honestly I thought you were talking about a preschooler - I am really quite shocked that you're talking about a 6yo.

Children don't all need loud, physical, rough and tumble games. It could just be his personality rather than opting out.

If you force it your child will end up disappointed.

The world doesn't revolve around children.

It really depends how he is in other ways ? I’ll be honest I despise playing games, cards etc it’s absolutely not my thing. I’ve put on an act when kids were younger played Barbie’s, monopoly etc but genuinely hated it. But I’m up for other things like theme parks and water parks when we go to Florida etc I love baking with them and cooking.

id let him be and you and the kids can crack on with games.

I did wonder whether she ever plays by herself.

It’s about effort. It doesn’t always come naturally, so he has to try! I’m saying this looking at my husband who is currently half inside a den he made for our toddler. He can’t fit fully. He’s reading her a book by torch light… he’d definitely rather be sat with his feet up, but he does it cos she loves it. Does he always… no, sometimes he puts the tv on etc but he indulges her games because he cares.

FORCED FUN. It sounds awful.

SPENDING TIME with your children is not optional.

Playing board games or doing craft really is. There's a lot more to life than board games, pottering at home and doing boring stuff.

He sounds lacking in flexibility.. someone emotionally and physically flexible would be able to enjoy these things.. he is uptight in body and mind. Health is about being able to adapt and move with the situation. He is closed off.
I was lucky that my dad was able to be silly. It was such an enormous blessing to be able to have a laugh with him when I saw him in the holidays. My mum was too stressed and shouted at me and my brother if we were having too much fun or laughing too loud. It was a symptom of her terrible mental and emotional health.

If she enjoys it, I don't see the issue. He's engaging with her in his own way, there's nothing wrong with that.

Sadly, I'm just like your DH and I'm a mum. I find no joy in play and can't stand it for more than a few minutes. I never played as a child either; I just read books, wrote lists or drew pictures. Can your DH find something that he will be happy to do with your DD? It could be cooking, walking or painting etc. It doesn't have to be what your idea of playing is.

I voted YABU because of this. I don't think you should expect your DH to like/be the same as you. Forcing him to do somerhing he doesn't like and on top of it expecting him to be all smiles while doing it is unreasonable. Telling someone "loosen up, relax" has the opposite effect, ime.
Maybe you need to accept you both bring different energies to the family, and that's fine. Your DC will grow up knowing that they can like or dislike whatever and they will be respected either way.
Happy new year!

Maybe we’re just too different, I really try to make effort and enjoy life…he doesn’t

Everyone plays differently, I love board games and playing cards with GCs but physical games just as wearing a monkey tail and hooking stuff just does my back in so I don't do them but will happily marshal/rule check etc.
DH due to a back injury/operation never plays physical games - didn't grow up playing board games and sees no point in them now but has so much patience in explaining IT stuff and gaming which is not my cookie at all. I have no patience or inclination to play Xbox, PS or whatever unless they are word or puzzle type games.
Interestingly, some of our GCs love playing board games but had never played using the proper rules said their Mum or Dad let them get on with it. This often resulted in the GCs falling out or ending in tears when playing at home. We have a wide selection of Board games and playing with Grandma is a whole new experience when you follow the rules and don't make up your own!! As I pointed out why do the makers put a leaflet in the box explaining the game? Because not everyone understands the point or end result of a game - or why challenges are thrown in - such as having to throw a six before you can even begin to move your marker!!

Have you asked him why he doesn’t play with her? Is he neurodiverse? (I just had to ask!)

I think you both need to play to your strengths, assuming he is not a reluctant father at all times. There are lots of things you can do with a child - you don't need to force yourself to do those you hate - arrange play dates so your dd can play these things with other children.

We like playing board games in our family and I often played them with my elder dd when the youngest was in bed - there are loads you can play as a pair. So you don't need your DH to be involved. He might enjoy skills based games when your dd is older - silly games and games of luck can be quite tedious.

Although I loved imaginative play as a child, I just couldn't do it as an adult, so avoided those kinds of games. I liked to take them out to the park, swimming, library or castle/ museum or set up art and crafts activities for them and do it alongside them.

Did you even ask him if he wanted to play a game - family activities should be fun not a three line whip for everyone. Sure make an effort for your child but not if it's completely out of his comfort zone.

If he’s generally been miserable for years it sounds more like depression rather than he just doesn’t like playing. You say he was napping, will be miserable about going to work etc. so it sounds like that’s his general vibe. Has he always been like this?

I’m surprised at some of the other posters who say they don’t like playing so they don’t play with their kids. I think most of us would rather be doing something else than playing snakes and ladders or thinking up stories for Barbie dolls. But interacting in the way the child wants rather than what we want as adults is part of having children in my opinion

I think you are asking your husband to be someone he isn't. And from the sounds of it has never been.

I do agree with a PP that your daughter seems to be dictating what everyone else should be doing. How does she get on with other children?

He sounds disengaged with you all and like he doesn't really want to be part of the family, it's not really good enough - playing games and stuff is part of being a parent

Does he do anything with you OP or does he opt out of that as well? He sounds like a self absorbed miserable arse to me. I grew up playing all sorts of games and loved it and have done the same with mine.

To not come and 'save' his dd when she's dangling upside down and calling for him is just nasty IMO. I can't even imagine just ignoring my kid like that. What is he doing on the computer that is more important to him than his daughter?

My mum was like this as a child. Either opting out, or sulking. Everything was 'God, that's so stupid, what's the point of that.' It made me so sad. I make an effort now to be involved with my kids and I see how much it means to them.