Dh can’t play

[Newyearnothingchanges]

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

It sounds like he needs to make more of an effort with DD but that doesn’t mean he needs to play with her in the way you deem correct.

Play is so broad, as you can see from the posts here. The main thing is spending time together doing anything fun. Looking for fossils sounds great if they can enjoy it together. Does he have other interests or hobbies he could share with her?

If you’re a super fun person who enjoys life, how did you end up together? Was he once like that? Because he sounds depressed and a change in personality would teach with that.

There are other ways to enjoy life besides playing games. I do think he should have made more effort for your DD, especially as it's the festive season, but day to day it's not essential for parents to be playing with their children every five minutes, so long as they do from time to time. Not everyone enjoys games, I don't myself. I think for a pp to suggest he's checked out of the marriage is a bit silly.

This!

There are far too many of these people ruining people’s christmases/ holidays/ childhoods.

Part of having kids is sucking it up and doing stuff that makes them happy even if it’s not interesting or fun for you.

And what would that consist of? 'Either start playing games or we're finished'? 🤔

He just says he does and hasn’t done anything wrong. I suspect adhd, but would it make him act like this?

No, I'd imagine it would consist of 'stop being a selfish, self absorbed asshole who can't be bothered to do anything with dd or we're finished'.

Some of us can’t play. I can’t play and couldn’t play with my kids when they were little.

As eldest child I had to look after my siblings from as far back as I can remember which is nursery age. If they were too noisy, I got beaten. If they made a mess and my parents saw it before I could clean it up, I got beaten. If anyone got hurt, like the time my brother fell off a wall and knocked out a tooth- my fault and beating plus locked in the closet with no food for three days while next oldest did my job for me.

Children were to be not seen AND not heard and it was my job to ensure it my parents were not bothered in their very important research/jobs.

When I saw my kids playing I got very afraid and anxious. I felt sick and just wanted to tidy up as they went. It was the most horrible thing to feel to want the child to have fun, but not be able to be part of it. I’d usually say I needed to do something and go off and hide.

It wasn’t until my DC were teenagers that I was able to undo the damage of my own childhood and relax enough to enjoy a quiet board or card game.

Does she play on her own much ?

Her mother was encouraging her to dangle upside down and demand attention when her dad was busy. I'd be really irritated with DP if I was in the middle of doing something and he started a daft game with the kids that required my input there and then tbh, and my patience would only last a few goes.

You like different things. That doesn't mean you're right and he is wrong. Maybe his idea of enjoying life is different from yours. You sound so dismissive and unwilling to compromise.

Oh FFS this isn't about him not liking 'silly games' it's about lack of effort and selfishness.

I didn't want to spend my DCs younger years at wet, windswept playgrounds or playing mindless peppa pig games, but that's just what you do. And I love structured games like board games and card games and quizzes, but DH doesn't - but for the DC, he joined in and did it with gusto, because he loves us and it brought them joy.

By return, I sometimes did these sorts of things without him, knowing it wasn't really his idea of a good time, and he took them swimming cos I hated it.

Of course people have different interests, and parents play different roles, but effort should be equal.

Yes it is actually. Not everyone is good at playing or enjoys it. I never really played imaginative games as a kid - prefered jigsaws and crafts. I love it now my kids are older and we can chat, have coffees together etc.

Playing with your kids is a modern innovation because we all have small families and would be quite weird in a historical context.

I get it OP. My husbands the same and his default setting is to just sit and watch tv. I’d LOVE it if he said ‘come on kids, let’s play a game’ or just put some actual effort into having fun. I feel like the family entertainer on top of everything else and it’s bloody draining

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

There is no suggestion that the DH suffered an abusive childhood though. I think the circs are quite different.

I wouldn’t even say i’m a super fun person, i’m pretty quiet and like staying home a fair bit, but I like doing some things and trying to enjoy life

I’m team DH. We all have our happy place, whether it’s full on fun and games or just sitting alone enjoying the silence. We’re all different - no one is wrong here.

I grew up in a family that never had the telly on and games were the number one activity. I think I must know every card game on planet earth. Our bookcase in the corner literally groaned under the weight of all the board games. And if we weren’t playing games we were roll playing something or other. Dolls, building dens, playing school - it was never ending activities.

I longed to do nothing but my mother wouldn’t let us sit still for 5 minutes.

I’m in charge of me now. So curling up on the sofa with just the remote for company is bliss. I wonder why .. 😝

PS my kids all survived boring me. DH was perfectly happy to take on all things silly. You can’t change a person or make them ‘fun’ . Teamwork worked (and still does) for us.

Have you given him the examples you’ve given here, shared your concerns and had an actual conversation, though? Not shout isolated incidents, but the overarching issue?

My dad describes as PP he just found playing acutely embarrassing and just couldn't get past it. I know he feels bad about it. He has other strengths.

I do think it gets easier as children get older, because a parent like this can find more mutual interest than they can with someone who's mainly into Peppa Pig. Put it to your husband that if he wants a good relationship with DD he has to find a way to build that over time. It doesn't have to be play, it could be cooking or following Formula 1 or library visits and bedtime reading, or if he's into gardening he could buy her small tools and take her out to the garden centre with him, or if he likes walking maybe geocaching or covering a defined route in little nibbles.

We are a neurodiverse family and when something is not working, our go-to is routine. Rather than expecting him to start spontaneously initiating things, would it be more achievable to set up a routine so he has a thing they do together on weds and sat for example? Not to say he gets a pass every other day, but it's a virtuous spiral and as he interacts with her more on these fixed points, it will also be easier the rest of the time and he should relax.

I didn't think about this very much when ours were little but it becomes crystal clear when they are teens. One parent can't ride on the other's coat tails. If you want a relationship with your child you personally have to put the hours in. But you get a lot of flexibility in picking an activity that is as pleasant for you as possible. And talk to him about how it's a process. We gritted our teeth to read Rainbow Magic when DD was 6, and then DH could share his love of Philip Pullman and Terry Pratchett with her when she was older.

I think every parent should get some passes. I outright refuse to play Monopoly. Maybe he is someone who needs a lot of passes. But if he passes on everything then (a) that is not fair on you, the women he loves and (b) his relationship with DD will be poor.

There is no suggestion the DH did not suffer an abusive childhood either, so the circumstances might not be so different.

I don't understand why so many posters are patronisingly explaining to OP that "not everyone likes the same things" and "that type of play isn't fun for everyone" and telling her it's up to her to find games and activities her DH might enjoy as well.

She's explained (and tbh it's obvious) that it's not as if playing those games is her no.1 choice of activity, it's what their daughter enjoys, as, tbh, most children enjoy a bit of silliness/roughhousing.

If her DH doesn't enjoy that and cba to play along for his own dd, then the bare minimum he could do is find and think of things he could deign to do with his dd, himself, but sounds like he can't even be bothered to do that, and 'spending time' with her is reluctantly tagging her along to things he enjoys. Which, yes, isn't great parenting. Obviously.

Yes plays on her own sometimes too, lots with friends too, but it’s Christmas holidays, we’re all at home, she has new toys, obviously wants us to play with some and i’m happy to too

Does he read with her?

Would he do something like a jigsaw puzzle rather than a board game?

Board games for young children are very different to long winded adult ones. Usually over very quickly

He wasn’t busy, he was sat as his computer as he often does, not working, just not really being a part of anything

Does he do her bedtime, read to her, help with homework etc?

As it seems from your posts he has sort of checked out of being a parent in general. Was he fun pre-kids?

Sounds quite joyless tbh. I'm not great at playing, nor do I really enjoy it, but I do it because my kids enjoy it and they deserve a fun childhood.

Yes, exactly this, I know dd would just be so happy for him to initiate it and act like he wanted to play with her, instead of her begging him most of the time