Dh can’t play

[Newyearnothingchanges]

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

Yes, many times, he just denies it and takes it as me attacking him

Too many PP are focusing on the fact they don’t like board games instead of seeing that this is about a man who avoids interacting with his DD. He rarely takes her out, he rarely initiates activities with her, he is visibly irritated when forced to.

It’s not good enough, OP.
You and your daughter deserve better.

He just doesn't enjoy playing silly games. It's not a big deal IMHO.

I get it. My baby is only little but my DH can be a bit like this sometimes. I feel like it just comes down to not being arsed, disappointingly.

He didn’t have an abusive childhood

I would have HATED both of those games and refused to play. I hate anything that involves being silly. Perhaps fortunately I don't have kids but have never had an issue playing other things with family children.

Either his depressed, opting out or on the spectrum. Is there anything he likes to do with the kids?

If he is a good dad in other ways, can you be the fun parent, in the way your dad was and leave him to show his affection and attention in ways he enjoys and feels comfortable with?

I hate board games but DC and DH love them. They make me squirm with boredom, so eventually I just left the three of them to it. But I adored playing make believe games, building dens, hide and seek - all of that so I did all of those with them, and DH did the quieter sitting still board games, painting warhammer etc. And we both fought to read to them as we loved reading stories so took it in turns. It worked well, shared between us.

But that would only work for you if he is present in other ways.

I disagree. If your children like playing board games and doing crafts, then you play board games and do crafts with them.

I often think Mumsnet should run a sort of childcare co-op / parenting skills swap where people could volunteer, according to their preferences and capabilities, to do shifts of (a) interminable inane imaginative play (b) crafts / baking / card games / board games / other insufferably longwinded rule-based activities that you’re locked into for HOURS once you start (c) brisk wholesome outdoor fun in driving rain and howling gales.

I would happily spend hours pretending to be a horse rather than submit to crafts, games, or birdwatching nature hikes through mud and sleet.

So, no, not an actual conversation.

Are you generally able to have conversations with him about other things?

We alternate bedtimes, so he does the bedtime story every other night

Then you should edit your title from can’t play to won’t play.

And the other stuff?

My first thought is he sounds depressed 😔

He absolutely could have been getting ill for years and years. An autoimmune disease such as AS takes years to develop, years to become more than just a dull ache with odd moments of stiffness and more intense pain, years for the vertebrae to slowly and permanently fuse together

Even your description of him perching on the edge of the sofa, making himself sit on the floor when instructed to by your DD and generally preferring to sit in a desk chair is subtly yelling he's in a lot of pain.

That's why children were always welcome to play round here...

I wouldn't shout it, but I would say it.

I’m surprised at the amount of people that think it’s normal for him not to play just because he doesn’t like it. Why bother having children then?

On another note: are you able to see what he’s doing on the computer, phone, etc, from your angle?

It is completely irrelevant whether or not an adult enjoys playing or is good at it! It's part of being a parent, like lots of other things which aren't enjoyable!

The selfishness of some parents never fails to astound me.

But one parent can do those things and the other parent can do other things that they enjoy that the child also enjoys which seems like what's happening here.

Could possible adhd make him like this?

I think this is an area where it's great if you can have both parents covering different bases between them and playing to their strengths.

DH does all the rough play, most of the board/card games and all the crafting homeworks. These are all things he's good at and either enjoys too or doesn't mind. They are also all things I would rather stick pins in my eyes than do (although I do join in with card games when camping).
Does this mean I don't do anything? Of course not! I do (with very little encouragement, because I enjoy it as much as DCs) all the Lego and Gravitrax stuff, teach skills like sewing and read to them most nights. It might not be my favourite ways to spend time, but I did most of the park and softplay trips and now I get involved with their chosen sports (ferrying around, preparing for events, and even doing qualifications to be able to help out). DH has little to no desire to do these things, and some he feels as strongly towards as I do about board games. That's fine, between us all bases are covered.

Obviously, if he has checked out generally this is another matter, but not wanting to do specific kinds of play is ok.

It can be hard…!

We play games and still play games with our now adult kids.

Cards, monopoly, frustration, labyrinth, we can stay home and play and drink coffee and chat!

Im glad we made the effort to show them how to play, how to lose, the joy of playing out shines the winning!

DH would sit and let the girls out make up on him, have his nails painted, sit for a tea party and take the dolly’s for a walk.

No they don’t need us the join in, but why wouldn’t you?