To be sad this is how I found out DS is engaged

[Gladlygracious]

DS is 26, we have a good relationship, his girlfriend is lovely and they have been together for 2.5 years, they make a great couple.
We spent Christmas with them, but they have been saving up and have taken a month of unpaid leave to go to Australia for New Years, a friends wedding and the Australian Open for a month.
This morning DD called me and very excitedly said omg I can't believe DS is engaged. I said what I didn't know. She told me to check his girlfriend's instagram.

He proposed on New Years Eve before the new year came in so at least 22 hours ago. His girlfriend posted on instagram 8 hours ago, 2 separate posts first a post with some pics of them, the ring and a little video of him proposing, then a second post of little videos and pics from the year with the proposal at the end. DS messaged me at midnight UK time so 11 hours ago.
They are at the united cup tennis today so I appreciate they are busy, but he has messaged and she has made 2 instagram posts, DS has shared one of the posts on his story too.

AIBU to be sad this is how I found out and that he didn't tell me or DH directly? Or is this just the modern world?

I would be sad too but I think for now you just need to rise above it and send your congratulations and generally be happy for them. Otherwise you risk your response being the thing that is remembered about this special time.

I think it would be reasonable at some point in the future to just gently point out that it would have been kinder to let you know directly before putting it on social media.

I'd be upset by that OP, I'm not surprised you're hurt 😥 Not sure what you can do though, as if you tell him then you're making his big news about you in his eyes. I'd feel the same as you though, especially as he texted you after he'd proposed but didn't tell you (have I read that right?), that's very odd!

Why not just be happy for him rather than fixated on how you were told and in what manner?

Oh I'm sorry to hear that's the way you found out. I wonder if it is the way of things now? If relationship is generally good with your son then I would put it down to different communication expectations between the generations.

I think given he messaged you at midnight before they posted everything online that's fine especially given the time difference.

Yes he messaged at midnight our time (well 00:07) saying "Happy new year mum, hope it's another wonderful year, love ya"

I would be disappointed too.

However I would congratulate them a d say nothing for now. However later down the line and in person I would have a conversation with him about how you were disappointed to find out that way and whilst you realise he can do it whatever way he wishes you would like a personal call for such big and fabulous news for future exciting news. Try tk keep it light rather than it seeming to them you are trying to make it about you.

Very rude indeed. What a shame social media has turned some people into such attention hungry arseholes

I think that is just how young people use the internet now. I don't think they did it on purpose and I wouldn't say anything as it will take the shine off their excitement. I think maybe later you could say that you would really like to be told big news before it is announced to the world. But I don't know if they would even see it like that.

Thoughtless brat.

Completely separate issue to you being absolutely thrilled for them both.

Wait I misunderstood he didn't tell you in the text that he was engaged? That's really weird??

Really poor to share on social media before telling family

Key bit for me would be did you reply to his happy new year message?

If you didn’t, then he’s got no indication you’re available. If you reply, you say you’re awake and by your phone.

I find it really quite odd that he didn't tell you, especially as he messaged you anyway. I'm not surprised you are a bit sad. You might ask him why he didn't let you know when he is back in the UK but don't make a big deal of it now.

Hm this is fair, I didn't reply until 10am this morning and he hasn't seen that message yet, the tennis is still on so I assume they are still there. Maybe he was waiting for a reply.

That is awful of him. Esp as you saw them both at Christmas. Really thoughtless. I guess like many selfish things adult kids can do, for now you have to congratulate them and hide the twinge of hurt. When you next see him, perhaps mention it then.

I don't think he was waiting for you to reply though otherwise he wouldn't have shared it on social media before telling you?

I find it really weird he sent a message and didn't mention it at all.

Getting the pictures on Instagram seems to have been the priority here; a superficial attitude to getting engaged which doesn't bode well for the marriage.

You’ll get loads of posters making excuses for him but I agree it’s disappointing. When DH proposed I made sure my family knew before I posted anything. Same when I had a baby etc.

Very strange behaviour! But I agree about not saying anything and just wish them well

Just be happy for him. Whatever you do, don’t let the negative replies get into your head, posters love to cause trouble on here. Stay calm, be happy for him and please don’t let this affect your lovely relationship with them.

I wonder if like a lot of men, he doesn't see an engagement as the huge insta worthy thing his GF does? There's something rather performative about posting a video of the actual private moment of the proposal that wouldn't be everyone's approach. Perhaps he expected a quieter moment that he could tell you about in his own time, but it took on a life of its own.

She's a lovely girl, like truly lovely and kind and not superficial, so I don't worry about that or have any ill feeling towards her. Maybe she got caught up in the excitement and assumed DS had told us. We really like her and I'm so happy for them, just sad we didn't get told personally.

I’m surprised he didn’t msg Happy New year, I proposed and she said yes, or something along those lines. I assume you were asleep when the msg came through ?

What's the problem?
My (narcissistic, emotionally abusive) mother would have wanted to know first, as well, in the past. (We got on well, too 😂).
I'm 45, she's 82, living a very lonely life. Fortunately, in another country.