To be sad this is how I found out DS is engaged

[Gladlygracious]

DS is 26, we have a good relationship, his girlfriend is lovely and they have been together for 2.5 years, they make a great couple.
We spent Christmas with them, but they have been saving up and have taken a month of unpaid leave to go to Australia for New Years, a friends wedding and the Australian Open for a month.
This morning DD called me and very excitedly said omg I can't believe DS is engaged. I said what I didn't know. She told me to check his girlfriend's instagram.

He proposed on New Years Eve before the new year came in so at least 22 hours ago. His girlfriend posted on instagram 8 hours ago, 2 separate posts first a post with some pics of them, the ring and a little video of him proposing, then a second post of little videos and pics from the year with the proposal at the end. DS messaged me at midnight UK time so 11 hours ago.
They are at the united cup tennis today so I appreciate they are busy, but he has messaged and she has made 2 instagram posts, DS has shared one of the posts on his story too.

AIBU to be sad this is how I found out and that he didn't tell me or DH directly? Or is this just the modern world?

No, I'd understand that immediately after they were probably enjoying the fireworks and in their own little bubble. Then by morning when he messaged me, I was asleep, and when I've replied they are out and busy. He's good at replying to messages so I'm sure he will reply or call when they are out of the tennis or tonight/tomorrow.

I guess it's just sadness, no anger or anything. I'm over the moon for them and I cried when I seen the video and his little speech to her. They are perfect together so I'm glad they have each other. I just wish I'd gotten to share the excitement more.

I understand your feelings and don't think you're unreasonable. Very similar happened in my family and my mum was very upset about it. Random social media 'friends' found out before my mum did. I would be upset if my child did the same.

I am sure he planned to tell you on phone today. He sent you just a lovely message. Clearly he loves you and would want to share their lovely news with you.

That's a good point. Maybe he didn't want to tell you by text.

I think you need them have a happy moment… please don’t ruin it for them

I’d be upset too op. Something so important . Hopefully you’ll feel better when you eventually speak to him.

In my view a mother or father or whoever is the main carer in that person's life should be the first person told.

I’d be sad too. I don’t know why people do this.
One of my friends found out her best friend got married on Instagram. I’d be hurt if I found out anyone close to me got married/engaged/pregnant on social media. It tells you that you’re not as close as you thought you were which isn’t a nice feeling

I suspect they want to tell you in person but forgot you follow them online

I find it weird they shared his private proposal ‘video’ on Instagram.

I imagine they got carried away in the moment. Don't know how I'd have felt if my ds did that - but I certainly wouldn't let it overshadow anything or cause a falling out particularly while they are still so far away.

It’s a generation thing. They live on social media - I don’t like it but it’s not uncommon. I wouldn’t be surprised to be in the same situation as you in a year’s time with DSS.

I sympathise but don’t say anything-just be happy for them and celebrate when you see them.

Personally it wouldn’t bother me, and I dont have the expectation that I should be told first. I don’t think it’s rude or thoughtless - I would however be expecting him to tell me today on the phone though.

I think given the timezone complication and the fact it was posted on her IG and not his, you should probably move past this and focus on being delighted for them. He may still be planning on telling you 'properly' later today or whenever you are both awake.

It's worth flipping this in your head a bit... imagine if the fiancé posted here something along the lines of 'just got engaged, so excited, I want to share the news with my family and friends on IG as we're all scattered in different places, but fiancé is insisting we keep it private until he has had a chance to speak to his parents in person. I love his parents, we get on really well, I'm sure they wouldn't get worked up about this.'....I think people would think this wasn't something to get too worked up about.

Summary: don't let this spoil the lovely news, it doesn't mean you're an afterthought or anything like that.

I’d feel a bit sad too in your position, but maybe if you had replied last night he was planning on telling you. Hopefully he’ll be in touch later.

Your thread is quite outing so I would have it deleted before it’s possible picked up by the mail, they’ve done it with similar threads previously.

I would be very sad
I hate the performative nature of the world these days.

He doesn't even have the excuse it wasn't planned as he had a ring. He's had ages to tell you he was planning it.
DS proposed abroad with an eight hour time difference. Both us and his now DW's parents knew, saw the ring and I'd have been upset to read she said yes on SM, let alone found out about the whole thing on there. Do you even use Instagram?
This was only two years ago and they were a similar aged. It really isn't normal and I'd be upset, although as others say, I'd send those congratulations.

Maybe it’s not a “real” engagement? Could it be for visas or something?

Gosh that's ridiculous. They are both British, and have a very happy, very loving relationship!

I wouldn’t care in the slightest. I really don’t see what the issue is. Do they have to run all aspects of their life past you first? It feels
like you don’t accept they are both adults now.

I think it was probably more thoughtlessness than intentional, with the excitement of it all and I’d just congratulate them this time and tell them how happy you are for them.

I’d also keep an eye out for any thoughtless acts in the future and, if there are any, explain how that makes you feel in a non confrontational way. The most important thing is that you maintain your great relationship with them both.

OP says they both took annual leave to visit Australia for the month, so I assume they are both UK residents!

I'm not sure id expect to be told in advance, I don't think that's necessary at all. I'd have liked to be told before instagram though but maybe excitement, time zones and miscommunication have meant it's happened unintentionally.
They are good people, so I don't think it would have been done with the intention of hurting us.

It is the world we live in now, and while I would be upset too, don’t make it about you as you’ll only upset yourself x

Okay calm down, I just wondered if she was Australian and they were trying to get her a visa or something. Just a theory why they didn’t tell you. But actually your response kinda explains everything 🙊

I think it's pretty odd these days for others to know before the recipient of the proposal does... it's their relationship and it's private. I would have hated my parents and in laws to know about a planned proposal before I did.

Sorry that's not what the OP is about!