To be sad this is how I found out DS is engaged

[Gladlygracious]

DS is 26, we have a good relationship, his girlfriend is lovely and they have been together for 2.5 years, they make a great couple.
We spent Christmas with them, but they have been saving up and have taken a month of unpaid leave to go to Australia for New Years, a friends wedding and the Australian Open for a month.
This morning DD called me and very excitedly said omg I can't believe DS is engaged. I said what I didn't know. She told me to check his girlfriend's instagram.

He proposed on New Years Eve before the new year came in so at least 22 hours ago. His girlfriend posted on instagram 8 hours ago, 2 separate posts first a post with some pics of them, the ring and a little video of him proposing, then a second post of little videos and pics from the year with the proposal at the end. DS messaged me at midnight UK time so 11 hours ago.
They are at the united cup tennis today so I appreciate they are busy, but he has messaged and she has made 2 instagram posts, DS has shared one of the posts on his story too.

AIBU to be sad this is how I found out and that he didn't tell me or DH directly? Or is this just the modern world?

It's all ended well, so I dont really understand why people are doom mongering.

For their own entertainment purposes.

This is my thought.

I think he just didn’t think it through. His gf has been excited and posted on sm- this is just what they do.

however, I think both of them should have both agreed to tell their families first before a public announcement.

I’d say congratulations first. But once the dust settles, and they are back home, I’d have a quiet word with your DS ( and possibly DDIL to be) about how it’s usually nice to let loved ones know before the whole world.

I get that it’s hurtful but in the past it would’ve taken a few days for these things to appear in the paper.

do you think the King heard about the birth of his grandchildren through instagram?

the only reason I’d mention it, is because you don’t want to find out about the birth of your first grandchild from your DIL’s socials.

how do you think they will react to a conversation about that?

just read this after posting.

I think it’s worth having a nice chat with her when she comes back. Tell her how happy you are that she’s part of the family, but mention you were a little hurt about not being told the news before posting online.

acknowledge that you realise it was just an oversight, they were both excited blah blah, but that you’d like to hear important news, not necessarily first, but before some random person they went to school with 10 years ago

See op he wanted to tell you properly. If dd hadn’t told you, you wouldn’t have known!

Why not kick her in the bracket while she’s at it? Jesus H…

I would 100% recommend you do not do this. It would only serve to cast a shadow over their engagement and wedding. I would not appreciate being admonished like a child by my fiancé's mother. You've got absolutely no right to, they are both adults.

Please keep in mind this young woman's mother has passed away. Getting married when you have a difficult relationship with your parents, nevermind one of them dying when you're so young, can be very upsetting. Be careful not to overstep during wedding planning, she'll probably be upset not to have her mother there. This is their wedding, no one else's.

I definitely wouldn’t do the whole ‘sit them down later and tell him you’re disappointed’ thing, as the first thing you do when she’s part of the family. I think this would just create awkwardness.

No adult appreciates getting told off, so while she might be polite to your face, you might get invited to less wedding planning stuff (for example) even if unconsciously - as not very relaxing to be around.

This event’s happened, they won’t be getting engaged again (hopefully!) so it’s not like he can do better next time.

Sounds like the Instagram point has clicked for them with no chat needed and they’ll probably call you with any baby news before putting it on socials.

I don’t actually think your son is that thoughtless but if you really think he is, that ship has mostly sailed now

I think you handled it perfectly, OP, and it sounds as though you have a lovely relationship with both. If it makes them take care over future announcements then all to the good. Only on Mumsnet do people believe that MiL is just looking for trouble and should be put in her ( very lowly) place. I’m not on instagram but many of my friends are, and their DC are friends of my DC. It doesn’t hurt them to be aware that there is a channel of communication there. I’m not talking about the usual twaddle of meals and trips, just the big stuff.

So private she plastered it all over SM? Not a valid stance in the circumstances. I wonder if she phoned her Mum?

Her mums dead so I bet she didn’t phone her

It’s jarring sometimes when you go from being single to getting married, having kids etc. I found there seemed to suddenly be a lot of etiquette and customs to think about with engagements, weddings, births. I think when you’re in your single, there’s often little expectation of you in this regard, you’re just expected to be fairly nice and pop home to say hi every so often.

You can call this thoughtless but as soon I was engaged it seemed like I was suddenly getting in trouble for etiquette things that hadn’t crossed my mind before. Since having kids I’m now more used to bearing all these things in mind.

Well done op you did. The right thing What a pair of dopes they are!

I come from this as when I was 25 I spent the whole day I gave birth feeling bad I didn’t tell my mum ‘first’ and she had to wait till the morning when everyone else found out apart from my sister (who I had to tell as she had my toddler).

It was a horrible feeling and it made me see my mum very differently. She handled it badly, OP not so much, but some of the comments from other posters struck me as who I don’t want to be as a parent and no child wants as a parent ‘main character syndrome’ entitlement as a mother.

It has damaged our relationship over the years and some people on this thread will be back in time moaning about their DIL’s not liking them and having no idea why. It’s all these little infractions you hold onto as resentment that slowly eat away at a relationship. You have to accept they made a choice, whether you agree with it or not is not relevant. It’s already happened

It is a very tough time for mothers realising their DC’s world no longer revolves around them and you need to adapt to it. Whilst I understand OP’s feelings some of the comments and advice about confronting the son and GF are awful. Why would anyone encourage this? And rile up the OP that they agree how awful it was? This could have turned out very badly for her. Thankfully she didn’t take some of the dire advice given to her and agree delete the thread, don’t dwell on this and don’t mention it to them again

Thanks everyone. They've since called again and everything is well, they are over the moon, I'm so happy for them, perfect couple and I feel very proud of DS (must have done something right if such a lovely girl is willing to marry him!). He's done so well, lovely proposal, such kind and loving words said and both of them seem so happy.

Some of the wider family have called and messaged with messages of congratulations and I'm so glad to be starting the year in such a happy way.

No resentment or upset from the oversight. As we are all adults, sometimes we don't think things through, sometimes the results of others unintentional actions hurt, but at the end of the day we can't all be perfect, all the time. We love them far too much to make a big deal out of it now.

Sadly I think it's just the done thing these days, especially for girls, (like a pp said some guys are just not as bothered by the whole asking as the girls, although he was probably nervous before?). Her excitement at being asked, she would just post it, so everyone knew. I get that.

In the excitement of the day?
Maybe not.

I’d work the first round attempts in order of importance, but not necessarily stop moving on to next until I’d got to someone higher up the list.

Particularly if Instagram connections are mainly friends, and I knew that I’d told directly everyone on that social media site that I wanted to.

No harm done either way - and great news to start the new year! Have a party when they get back.

It's lovely news for you all
Congratulations to your family.

WTAF? I think you are obviously thinking of your own life here. Where has the OP said anything that warrants your horrible, hateful, comments? Your input throughout this thread is just plain nasty.

Actually all the people encouraging her to aggressively confront them about what they did. Thankfully the OP did not take their advice. Did you read the thread? And the comments encouraging it?

I have read right from the beginning, thanks, and I stand by what I said…

Let it go, you like them as a couple, they spent Xmas with you. They were away with a big time difference and clearly excited. Just be pleased, don't make it a thing.

She's already let it go. Have you bothered reading the thread, or even just OP 's updates?

My 24 year old DS asked me to go with him to help him pick a ring. He had an idea of style but wanted some input from a woman 😂