To be sad this is how I found out DS is engaged

[Gladlygracious]

DS is 26, we have a good relationship, his girlfriend is lovely and they have been together for 2.5 years, they make a great couple.
We spent Christmas with them, but they have been saving up and have taken a month of unpaid leave to go to Australia for New Years, a friends wedding and the Australian Open for a month.
This morning DD called me and very excitedly said omg I can't believe DS is engaged. I said what I didn't know. She told me to check his girlfriend's instagram.

He proposed on New Years Eve before the new year came in so at least 22 hours ago. His girlfriend posted on instagram 8 hours ago, 2 separate posts first a post with some pics of them, the ring and a little video of him proposing, then a second post of little videos and pics from the year with the proposal at the end. DS messaged me at midnight UK time so 11 hours ago.
They are at the united cup tennis today so I appreciate they are busy, but he has messaged and she has made 2 instagram posts, DS has shared one of the posts on his story too.

AIBU to be sad this is how I found out and that he didn't tell me or DH directly? Or is this just the modern world?

I'd be upset too but a lovely main thing here is he thought of his mum to say Happy New Year so was thinking of you ❤️!
I would let them tell you and be really excited but don't pretend you don't already know as that could lead to other problems!

Let the communication happen via your voices.
You can always tell him you knew after he tells you.
You will love the memory of his voice delivering the exciting news.

i dont blame you for being hurt
my ds gf made sure he told me before she posted on instagram, which i appreciated
but i imagine you will get over it, and like you say, all caught up in the excitement
congratulations

they are also quite young in comparison op,

I hate the opinion that he’s a man and this is how the male species behaves. In other words thoughtlessly. That’s not true at all. If you are close I would have thought he should want to discuss it both before and after.
I love the old traditions of speaking to her parents. Obv not getting permission but polite. And not all late 20s post everything on social media btw.

YABU

He is on an amazing trip in Australia in NYE surrounded by friend and doing amazing activities and he proposed to his girlfriend. How exciting

Be proud you raised a lovely thoughtful successful child.

He told you and time difference are a it weird.

Your DD is unreasonable in delivering the news tactlessly!

Don't play act, for goodness sake. That's no way to go on. Tell him his sister told you, and tell him you were a little hurt to find out via the Instagram post being relayed. If you don't say anything you're setting the scene for your son's fiancee to walk all over you in future.

The DD probably assumed, very reasonably, that mum and dad would have been the first to know.

My mum kind of ruined the birth of my 2nd child by getting upset I didn’t tell her when the baby was born. I had told my sister first as she was looking after my toddler and it was the middle of the night. I didn’t think I needed to call my mum in the middle of the night I could just tell her when she woke up. I mean what was she going to do she couldn’t come to the hospital at 3am. I saw why she was upset but her reaction about it was unfair on me. Try to handle this graciously so not to take the shine off his news and make it all about you.

Gosh you’re making heavy weather of this @Gladlygracious . Don’t pretend you don’t know because then your daughter has to lie too. Just say congratulations 🥳

dont tell him you are hurt
and dont blame your dd, she was excited and assumed you knew.

Yes, but you didn't announce it on Insta first. I don't think OP has to be the first to know, just she shouldn't have to hear about it from Insta.

What? Her daughter is wrong for delivering news they posted for anyone to see on their SM?

They publicly shared it! How was his sister supposed to know they hadn't bothered to tell their parents. Absolutely ridiculous.

I honestly think this is terrible advice and will lead to a lot of resentment. Sometimes people just don’t think the same way as we do. Pointing out what they did wrong on a happy occasion is pretty selfish in response

Doesn’t matter if I did. It was my baby not my mums! Why was she entitled to know it’s my news I can share it with and how I like

It wasn’t about her

If he has children, he will cringe at this one day. They don't have a clue sometimes.

Honestly, do not mar their happiness by bringing up that you were hurt by the posting on social media. Because that’s what they will remember and it will not make for a happy MIL/DIL relationship.

I reckon if he thought you were still awake he would have spoken to you on the phone soon after the event, but with no reply to the text and being on the other side of the world, he took the decision to wait until he could speak to you properly. I think that's fine and considerate of him actually - better than a text.

It wouldn't have been realistic to expect people not to share the good news more widely in the meantime either via social media or otherwise.

You could let on that you have an idea of the news via your daughter, but definitely don't do as others have suggested and say that you were upset not to know before it went online - that will really sour things and take a total shine off his news and that's not fair.

Interesting to see the differing views on this thread - my parents would be happy with the news whenever and however they found out - in fact I told them that I ever got married I again I said I would elope and tell them after and they both thought that was great! Doesn't mean they love me any the less! Just that they respect my preferred way of doing things - it's not a poor reflection on our relationship, quite the opposite in fact.

It can’t be that private if one of them posted a video on Instagram - and since they’re getting married, they’re going to be part of OP’s family going forward.
I can’t really see why her son couldn’t have mentioned his engagement in his happy new year text and wait for a reply to that?

I really wouldn’t do this during the call when he tells you OP - you’ll forever be associated with making his engagement announcement all about you!

Let them tell you, shower them in love and excitement for the future! You can always have a glass of bubbly to produce from off screen after they’ve announced and let them know you saw it, then they’ll know they need to things differently with the baby announcements!

He's obviously waiting to tell you himself. His Fiancé is also allowed to share her own news without consulting her MIL. Don't be the MIL who expects to be centred in everything.
They're on holiday, there's a time difference, they're busy - give him a chance and don't let on you are disappointed.

I don't have an adult son, but I would appreciate he makes his own choices, is independent and doesn't need to consult his parents first. It's old fashioned I think to ask permission (I know people will disagree)

It’s their news they can share it with who and how they like. The fundamental issue here is that your adult child’s life doesn’t belong to you and you have no authority or entitlement to it. Acting like you do can ruin relationships

Just take this on the chin as a bit of a shame but it’s a lovely happy occasion. Don’t ruin it

I find this way of thinking quite odd, tbh.
I believe in communities over individualism, though, for the most part, unless back story of abuse.
And I think there are so many posts on MN lamenting the death of community and wishing they had more help to raise their children, but then also a constant battlecry of "Well, I will do what I want."

I wouldn’t get fixated on the hierarchy of being the first to find out. Harsh as it might seem, he wasn’t thinking of his mum when he proposed to his gf-he’s thinking of his happy relationship and their future together. Please don’t make this into a big deal-he obviously is keen to tell you and share the news but didn’t realise he has to have a news blackout so you’ll be the first to find out. It’s so easy to post something online these days so normal etiquette sometimes gets forgotten. You’ve obviously raised a great young person who has chosen a lovely woman-they both suit each other and are enjoying life. I also wouldn’t lie-be delighted by his news but then add you did kind of realise because it was on social media. That might make him think that maybe he needs to consider people who aren’t following Instagram all the time-but in the overall picture, this is a small thing b to get upset about.