To be sad this is how I found out DS is engaged

[Gladlygracious]

DS is 26, we have a good relationship, his girlfriend is lovely and they have been together for 2.5 years, they make a great couple.
We spent Christmas with them, but they have been saving up and have taken a month of unpaid leave to go to Australia for New Years, a friends wedding and the Australian Open for a month.
This morning DD called me and very excitedly said omg I can't believe DS is engaged. I said what I didn't know. She told me to check his girlfriend's instagram.

He proposed on New Years Eve before the new year came in so at least 22 hours ago. His girlfriend posted on instagram 8 hours ago, 2 separate posts first a post with some pics of them, the ring and a little video of him proposing, then a second post of little videos and pics from the year with the proposal at the end. DS messaged me at midnight UK time so 11 hours ago.
They are at the united cup tennis today so I appreciate they are busy, but he has messaged and she has made 2 instagram posts, DS has shared one of the posts on his story too.

AIBU to be sad this is how I found out and that he didn't tell me or DH directly? Or is this just the modern world?

My niece got engaged and few months back. Her dad (my BIL) got a message from his sister saying congrats! He asked why she was congratulating him and she had seen the niece post on Facebook about her engagement. Three months on, she has still not mentioned it to her grandparents (my parents and of course her mum's parents).

I am not so keen on these threats that parents have to have the lowest possible bar for their children, otherwise they will go no contact.😥

Is your DH put out that he personally was not informed immediately (I am not talking any concern now for a pissed off DW)?

If not you have an insight into your DS’s mind. It’s not a big deal, you found out on the same day when they are on the other side of the world.

I'm not sure why some posters are advising you bring it up later to let him know you're upset/disappointed. The only purpose for doing this is to make him feel bad - is that what you want to do? My MIL loves to say things that can only make my DH feel like shit, no other purpose. Don't be that person, just be happy for them

I don't understand these responses saying it's awful/thoughtless of him. It's a very private thing between him and his girlfriend. I get that you'd like to be in on the secret but I think it's also reasonable that you weren't so you just have to rise above and accept with good grace.

This.

Good point, DH said oh he will tell us when we next talk, don't panic - also called him soppy for the whole speech though!

THIS

I think this was probably a mix of being unsure of timezones/when you were awake and understandably being very excited and wanting to tell the world (ah young love!)

Feel hurt for a moment but then move on. I wouldn't mention it to your son. We all say and do insensitive/tactless stuff on occasion, especially when swept up in something that is very personal.

It's lovely that they are both so excited and want to shout it from the rooftops (even if social media announcements are cringeworthy in hindsight - I know mine was 😅)

In an ideal world he would have told you almost straight away and we can't really say why he didn't. Just didn't think, probably.

I'd be a bit surprised at this from one of mine, but wouldn't let it bother me. It's their business and I would be happy for them. To be honest, I half anticipate it happening, I think.

Just be happy for them and wish them well.

I think most parents would feel a tad upset that their child (in this case the fiancee) announces their engagement to the whole wide world before telling them privately.
I have a DD who constantly announces major life events on social media, which is the only way her Dsis and I know about them. It was hurtful at the beginning but we've (sort of) got used to it now.

If anything I think the girlfriend should have checked that all the immediate family knew before she announced it publicly, but they were probably caught up in the excitement. It's poor form but nothing worse and not really on him. Don't let it spoil their moment.

? Posted a video of him proposing! Lol did she ask him to do a re-run for social media likes! What a world we live in 🤦🏻‍♀️ incoming Insta perfect wedding and behind the scenes bridezilla!

A very private thing between him and his girlfriend ... so the girlfriend immediately posts a video of the proposal on Instagram for all the world to see 😂

I completely agree with this @Whatado
It’s like the other thread from yesterday about not thanking people for their DS’ gifts. All the DM’s responding saying they were burnout, and far too exhausted to thank people until at least the end of January. Too exhausted to think about thanking people, but not too exhausted to spend hours posting on mumsnet eh??

I think posting videos of his proposal for the whole world would take longer than telling you .
I hate Insta. It's turned perfectly sensible people into click miners desperate for validation.

I get that you're upset but please don't make a thing about it. You don't want to be 'that' parent. At least you are equally upset with your son and aren't blaming your DIL to be, which is good. Let it go and be happy that your son has found someone good.

DS has just messaged saying

"Take it you didn't see the year in then, tut tut. Tennis just finished, will call soon if you're around? Got some news to share"

Not sure if I should tell him we already know when he calls or if we should just let them excitedly tell us?

Let him tell you!

And a perfect example of my previous comment.

Unless you accept any type of shit never display anything but 100% acceptance of their actions or behaviours from your children as adults you can live through their adult years with this type of threat hanging over your.

Fuck that. As an adult if you wish to treat other adults in your life in thoughtless or hurtful ways they will tell you. If that makes my kids unhappy so be it. That's life. They as adults equally have the right to tell me if my behaviour is upsetting them, I give them the same respect and consideration I expect from them.

As for holding the yet conceived, imaginary future grandkids over the OP head as a way to keep her line, well that will be their choice won't it? And they ll risk finding themselves like so many other middle aged couples, drowning in family life, no support, no baby sitters fuck all time for their relationship and possibly on mumsnent crying a river why everything is so hard.

I think I’d be sad also OP. I’d have no qualms being woken up by an out of house phone call from across the miles with such exciting news. Does he realise his girlfriend now fiancée has actually posted it on social media?

Maybe just pretend you don't know and rise above. What else can you do? Parents are always in the wrong.

Text him and tell him you know his sister will probably mention she rang you anyway. So what's the point in pretending you don't.

Say your sister saw it on IG and rang to tell us congratulations and enjoy the rest of your day celebrationing.

Oh don't tell him, just be happy for them.

He's clearly planning on telling you, within 24 hours even though he's the other side of the world. Does it really matter exactly how you found out? It's not like you found out some awful life ending news that way.

Just be happy for him. He's on what sounds like a very busy holiday.