To be sad this is how I found out DS is engaged

[Gladlygracious]

DS is 26, we have a good relationship, his girlfriend is lovely and they have been together for 2.5 years, they make a great couple.
We spent Christmas with them, but they have been saving up and have taken a month of unpaid leave to go to Australia for New Years, a friends wedding and the Australian Open for a month.
This morning DD called me and very excitedly said omg I can't believe DS is engaged. I said what I didn't know. She told me to check his girlfriend's instagram.

He proposed on New Years Eve before the new year came in so at least 22 hours ago. His girlfriend posted on instagram 8 hours ago, 2 separate posts first a post with some pics of them, the ring and a little video of him proposing, then a second post of little videos and pics from the year with the proposal at the end. DS messaged me at midnight UK time so 11 hours ago.
They are at the united cup tennis today so I appreciate they are busy, but he has messaged and she has made 2 instagram posts, DS has shared one of the posts on his story too.

AIBU to be sad this is how I found out and that he didn't tell me or DH directly? Or is this just the modern world?

@LavenderFields7

Sorry it wasn't meant in a mean way, just felt like a big leap from the info I'd provided, didn't mean anything by it, I'm sorry.

They're excited and in the moment - is this really the hill you want to die on? Why should they feel pressure to tell anyone a certain kind of way in a certain order - it's their life, ket them live it and be happy for them

You don't come across well here at all.

What's the problem? OP is upset she didn't find out first as his mother.
She's on an anonymous thread seeking support.

You've dismissed OP's feelings.
Accused her of being a narcissist.
Made it all about you.
Gloating about your 82 year old mother being lonely.

Pot, kettle, black!

A bit thoughtless, but I can see that they were probably caught up in the excitement of it all. You know that they are lovely kind people and it would never be their intention to hurt you. Take it on the chin and be happy for them( I’m sure you are,his girlfriend sounds a delight!)

@Gladlygracious

This is what makes me sad I think. Sadly her mum is no longer with us but I do wonder if she called her dad or if DS even asked her dad before proposing.

I would hope you didn't raise a man who thinks it's fine to ask a man for his DD. She isn't property

As for the not being told, I would be unbothered but not much fusses me. I got married without telling my family. My marriage was about me in the same way your DS proposal is about him. Try not to overthink it.

Do not make a fuss otherwise you may be the last to know when she is expecting a baby.

No her sons actions have upset her.

Honestly people have such low expectations of people in their lifes these days.

Yet we live in a time when adults have never struggled more with mental health, burn out, anxiety the list is endless.

You know why because adults now see themselves as completely independent can do as they wish without thought of others around them on the regular. Then wonder why alot of adults lack good support networks and community because so much of our lives is now played out for validation of SM rather than the actual people in your family and circle.

There is a huge time difference between uk and Australia with them being anywhere to 7 to 11 hrs ahead. I am guessing he thought you would be a sleep if you did not reply to his text and plans to ring you and tell you in person rather than just sending a text.

OP is happy for him, loves his fiance and sounds like a caring mother.

She's upset she didn't find out, which is a normal human feeling.
It's OK to feel upset.

It's possible to be happy for someone but feel disappointment too.

Does OP sound like the type to call her son and give him an earful? NO.

That's why she's come on here to get help in regulating her feelings.

This is just due to him being your son, not your daughter. If it was your daughter, she’d have told you before the end of the day.
The fact he said ‘love ya’ in his text is really nice. Shows he’s not cold.
Just wait for him to tell you. He’ll get round to it.

@Nothatgingerpirate

What's the problem? What strange thing to say. Jesus. This isn't her nephew or her son's friend. It's her son. It's perfectly natural that most parents would want to be the first ones to know.

You're not unreasonable OP. I'm a Millennial and it's very odd that he would announce this on Instagram before telling his family. Either he is insensitive by nature, or I'd say there's an issue with your relationship and that he's pushing you away for a reason.

Get over it.

Because what he’s done is fucking rude

It is possible to be both delighted at the engagement and aghast at the utter lack of consideration and very basic politeness

I'd be sad too but I wouldn't read too much into it. I think sometimes men just don't get it.

Both my DD rang us within minutes of getting engaged. We were all thrilled and I have happy memories of those phone calls. However I know that one of the boyfriends didn't tell his parents until the next day.

Just be happy for them. If you show your hurt that is what they will remember on what should be a good time for them. It’s about them, not you!

Yeah, I'd be a bit disappointed by that. I don't even have Instagram for a start!

We got engaged in Paris and didn’t tell our families until a week later on Christmas Day as we thought it would be a fun Christmas surprise. It seemed my cousin had the same idea as they also announced their engagement on the same Christmas Day having kept it secret for a month 😂 My DC waited a few days after they proposed to tell us in person. I think it is quite normal not to tell people straight away, especially on the day as they will want to enjoy the moment for themselves. What has changed, is people are so used to living their lives in social media that they feel the need to update everything immediately. I wouldn’t be offended by it. I guess she just did it in her excitement and didn’t think that you would like to be the first to know.

This.

Totally agree. We do everything for our children. The least they can do is tell us when they get engaged.

I think your son is waiting to tell you via his own voice.

Oooo I dunno

I had to sit my parents down and tell them I was engaged, before ANYTHING went on social media....however I was also telling them I was 12 weeks pregnant lol.
If you have your DS on socials, I guess he has told you, but I'm not convinced this is the right way for parents tbh.
Hopefully you can get past it and be happy for their future though, they're probably just caught up in the excitement of it all 😅

I think OP should tell her son she was hurt, otherwise the pattern of his fiancee's thoughtlessness is likely to continue. "It's wonderful news and I'm really glad, but I was hurt to find out from someone else that you'd become engaged, because [she] posted it on Instagram before you'd had the chance to tell me" is a reasonable, factual thing to say.

You didn’t reply?!!
Why on earth not?
Had you replied when you received his message he may have well have told you then.

I ll never forgot my mums reaction to my pregnancy and my engagement. Both were negative.
It s affected our relationship massively and I am low contact with her now.

Consider how you proceed.

@oakleaffy

I was fast asleep, I replied as soon as I checked my phone about an hour after waking up.