To be sad this is how I found out DS is engaged

[Gladlygracious]

DS is 26, we have a good relationship, his girlfriend is lovely and they have been together for 2.5 years, they make a great couple.
We spent Christmas with them, but they have been saving up and have taken a month of unpaid leave to go to Australia for New Years, a friends wedding and the Australian Open for a month.
This morning DD called me and very excitedly said omg I can't believe DS is engaged. I said what I didn't know. She told me to check his girlfriend's instagram.

He proposed on New Years Eve before the new year came in so at least 22 hours ago. His girlfriend posted on instagram 8 hours ago, 2 separate posts first a post with some pics of them, the ring and a little video of him proposing, then a second post of little videos and pics from the year with the proposal at the end. DS messaged me at midnight UK time so 11 hours ago.
They are at the united cup tennis today so I appreciate they are busy, but he has messaged and she has made 2 instagram posts, DS has shared one of the posts on his story too.

AIBU to be sad this is how I found out and that he didn't tell me or DH directly? Or is this just the modern world?

I think that this is something that however nicely or lightly you phrase it would create a problem if you ever bring it up.

I would keep my hurt to myself and be fulsome in my congratulations.

You will need to get used to your son doing things differently than you might like, he's an adult and he's got a different perspective. Not wrong just different.

It's part of letting them go.

Is there any reason why he'd dread telling you? Do you think he may think he's doing the wrong thing?

No I don't think so, we adore his girlfriend, she's a gorgeous, kind girl and she and DS are perfect together.
We often joke if they ever break up we are keeping her!

We have no idea why they didn't tell family first. Maybe they just didn't think, maybe they wanted to tell other people first (my family announced everything on FB before we could as they're arseholes like that so we don't tell them anything any more), maybe they thought Instagram was enough of an announcement.

I think she probably did assume, you would. I know everyone wants men and women to be the same but this is a great example of men being thoughtless and how overall they are bit useless sometimes. I wonder if she rang her Mum?

Yes, that's hurtful, but I wouldn't make a thing. I might let him know that I was sad to find out secondhand through an internet announcement after he gets back though, although I'd make sure I relayed it calmly and quietly and only if we were alone.

Aw I totally get why you'd feel disappointed. Obviously none of us here can know his feelings/your relationship, however I do have a friend in a sort-of similar situation. He proposed to his GF in a lovely way and his mum found out via social media, when she called to ask why he hadn't shared the news with her directly, he was gutted. In his head he'd thought that they would call up at the weekend and show the ring, share the news etc., he just hadn't thought it through at all. It wasn't malicious (on any side, his mum was lovely she just didn't know why she wasn't told), it was just thoughtless. Now we're years later and it's a bit of an in-joke where they laugh about how silly it was.

This is what makes me sad I think. Sadly her mum is no longer with us but I do wonder if she called her dad or if DS even asked her dad before proposing. I live in fear of the old "always closer to the woman's side of the family" tale and I think I'm worrying this is the beginning of us being an afterthought.

I'm thinking that he might have texted to see if you were awake, with the intention of calling you if you were. It's not him who has posted the IG stuff after all (although did though share one of hers later); she's making her own choices about what she can and can't do with the news. It's a shame to find out this way, and I would feel disappointed too, but possibly a bit of crossed wires and time zones, and different attitudes to social media.

Why?

How lovely of a relationship is it actually when he couldn't bother to tell his parents at all that he has made a massive life decision that he no doubt will want their support, and excitement about when they get back before shit loads of people online?

One of the biggest shifts in modern times I find fascinating is this one way relationship that parents are expected to have with their adult children.

Zero expectations, zero consequences or acknowledgement of if they are thoughtless, selfish or hurtful.

Because you know it's their life and you have zero right to anything from him.

I would be hurt if my kids did this but it would be a,significant wake up call to me about the nature of our actual relationship and I would adjust my expectations and my input in their life accordingly.

When he bothers to share congratulation him and tell you already know as your daughter saw it online and leave it at that.

She's a lovely girl, like truly lovely and kind and not superficial, so I don't worry about that or have any ill feeling towards her. Maybe she got caught up in the excitement and assumed DS had told us. We really like her and I'm so happy for them, just sad we didn't get told personally.

100% this

I'd probably message with a picture or whatever and a message like "you cheeky monkey! Lots of love and congratulations, can't wait to hear all about it. Xx"

Boy thing

Maybe they were excited and wanted to share with friends, and op's son wanted to call her to tell her. The fact he sent such a lovely message at midnight from 11 hours ahead time zone shows he is a loving son, not superficial like you say.

I can understand that you would be sad about this, as would I. However, so long as he doesn’t do as a friend’s son did, he had been married for over 2 years before he told anyone! He’d been seeing his parents monthly and they are a close family. He did it so his gf could stay in the UK

I'd be sad too. People are more interested in social media likes than human relationships sometimes nowadays.

Honestly I think it’s sons at the modern world they just don’t think or have common courtesy. His new year message was nice though so buck up and just be happy sounds like you like his wife to be which is more than can be said for others!

Interesting question.

If social media didn't exist and you hadn't have found out this way, would you be upset that you didn't find out right away if your DS phoned you tomorrow to tell you?

I think you have a right to be disappointed. I’ve always made sure that big announcements (engagement, pregnancies, births etc.) are shared with family first (parents and all 3 siblings), via FaceTime (not text) before letting the rest of the world know. We live abroad and have the time difference issue too, but I think the fiancée should have waited until close family was informed before posting on social media. It wouldn’t have mattered to wait 24 hours before posting to make sure family knew first.

Just my point of view though, I’m sure others will disagree.

I can see why you're a bit upset, but you're at risk of making their engagement all about your feelings. That's a massive red flag for your new DIL.

They are young and will make mistakes, have a quiet conversation later if you must but be aware of your main character energy.

I understand your disappointment, but cut him some slack. Maybe he didn’t realise his GF had posted anything, and wasn’t sure they were going to make it public yet.

I am sure he planned to tell you on phone today. He sent you just a lovely message. Clearly he loves you and would want to share their lovely news with you.

It isn't really because the likelihood is that if SM didn't exist they wouldn't have rang everyone they have on their SM accounts to tell them before he told his parents.

They probably don't even have contact numbers for everyone who is on their SM so it's comparing apples and oranges.

It was the girlfriend, who posted on Instagram, that I was referring to. Couldn't wait for her fiancé's closest family to be told before starting to rack up the 'likes' - sorry, but that is superficial behaviour.

Op I completely understand where you are coming from - yes it’s their news, their choice etc but I love that for us our kids choose family first with social media announcements.
I also think he messaged at midnight hoping to then phone -

but I like this suggested response!