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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resentful about his ex's return to work?

190 replies

Coinsfortheeyes · 01/01/2025 10:11

My partner has two older children with his ex, both now at secondary school. I know that when their children were young she worked 3 days a week.

I'm currently on maternity leave. Will absolutely need to go back to work full-time, with additional overtime potentially. We need a 4 bedroom house to accommodate all kids (we have older 2 for 2 nights a week and longer during holidays). We also need a bigger car so that we are able to do days out etc.

My job is Mon - Fri and at the weekends we have all 4 children. I feel like I will never get any quality time with my children when I go back to work and I feel so upset about it.

Question is, AIBU to feel so resentful about this? Even though I knew it would be the case, I think my brain somehow thought there would be another option. If I ABU, how do I curb this horrible, angry feeling inside?

OP posts:
Thepurplepig · 01/01/2025 10:12

They can share a room for two nights a week.

Gymmum82 · 01/01/2025 10:14

You don’t need to provide for his kids. Bigger house? His problem. Bigger car? His problem. You support you and yours. Not his.
If you want quality time with your kids he needs to take his away somewhere. Yes you got in a relationship with a man with kids but they aren’t your responsibility. Also if they are secondary age they will be out with mates at weekends. Not coming round to dads house for much longer

TheignT · 01/01/2025 10:15

I think the end of maternity leave is a difficult time for many so be kind to yourself. Do you really need a 4 bed house? Bedroom for you and DH, bedroom for older kids and eventually for baby. Would a 3 bed help with finances?

You aren't unreasonable to be sad about returning to work fulltime if that isn't what you'd choose if money allowed. As long as you aren't blaming the kids you are OK.

RhaenysRocks · 01/01/2025 10:15

Well yes you are being unreasonable but you can't help how you feel. So you have to work out a way to deal with it. It's not the mum's fault that their finances were different to yours and that she was able to work PT. Most peoples' lives are not how they imagined or pictured and you have to accept what you cannot change. If you wanted a simple, uncomplicated family life, with respect, you shouldn't have had kids with someone who already had them.

Bluevelvetsofa · 01/01/2025 10:15

You feel what you feel, so that’s not unreasonable, But you said yourself that you knew this would be the case, so I think you have to try to find practical solutions, rather than feeling resentful.

Livelovebehappy · 01/01/2025 10:18

It's okay to feel resentful, but as you've said, I'm assuming you went into the relationship knowing compromises would be needed, as is always the case when blending families. And tbh, many mums even if not in blended families have to return to work full time. The extra cost I guess financially will be due to your younger children rather than his older ones. Maybe in time you might have an option to go part time. See if you can increase your earning potential to allow you to do part time?

RhaenysRocks · 01/01/2025 10:19

Also re the room sharing and living space..at my exes house my two don't have their own space and the house frankly is too small for the blended family he has created. They aren't there all that often and it's a bit chicken and egg in that regard because they don't feel comfortable or at home there. Both have vocalised that they feel their dad priorities his new set up and that they are a nuisance. I do think you need to embrace this larger family. Sharp lines of demarcation over what you and he pay for seems counterproductive to a harmonious set up.

Needhelptoescape · 01/01/2025 10:19

I think that you'll get told that you're being unreasonable but I get exactly where you're coming from. We've got 2 DSC with us full time and 2 of our own. Their mum didn't work at all after having them whereas I had to continue to work full time to support the family. It's hard not to feel like it's a bit of an injustice that she got to spend all that time with her children and I'm not getting to spend it with mine. We also needed to get a 4 bedroom house because DP was adamant that oldest DSC needed his own room and where we live that extra bedroom adds another 100k onto the cost of a home.

However if you let that resentment fester it will make you bitter so you need to find a way to let go of it. For me that was finding a way to go part time eventually, even if that meant things were a bit tight, and really making the most of the time I got with my DC and making that my main focus.

BIossomtoes · 01/01/2025 10:21

I always said I wouldn’t entertain anyone with young children. Obviously I married someone with three - two of them under ten. This kind of compromise is what you get when you follow your heart instead of your head. There’s no point in comparing yourself with the ex - different time, different circumstances.

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/01/2025 10:22

RhaenysRocks · 01/01/2025 10:15

Well yes you are being unreasonable but you can't help how you feel. So you have to work out a way to deal with it. It's not the mum's fault that their finances were different to yours and that she was able to work PT. Most peoples' lives are not how they imagined or pictured and you have to accept what you cannot change. If you wanted a simple, uncomplicated family life, with respect, you shouldn't have had kids with someone who already had them.

Exactly.
The two kids were there before you and your baby were in your partner's life. Surely you didn't think they were going to fade into the background....

magicalmrmistoffelees · 01/01/2025 10:23

Coinsfortheeyes · 01/01/2025 10:11

My partner has two older children with his ex, both now at secondary school. I know that when their children were young she worked 3 days a week.

I'm currently on maternity leave. Will absolutely need to go back to work full-time, with additional overtime potentially. We need a 4 bedroom house to accommodate all kids (we have older 2 for 2 nights a week and longer during holidays). We also need a bigger car so that we are able to do days out etc.

My job is Mon - Fri and at the weekends we have all 4 children. I feel like I will never get any quality time with my children when I go back to work and I feel so upset about it.

Question is, AIBU to feel so resentful about this? Even though I knew it would be the case, I think my brain somehow thought there would be another option. If I ABU, how do I curb this horrible, angry feeling inside?

You’ve made a very different life choice you your partner’s ex… you have decided to have a child with a man who already has 2 children. Which means life for you is going to look different to hers.

Polistock · 01/01/2025 10:24

You don’t need to provide for his kids. Bigger house? His problem. Bigger car? His problem. You support you and yours. Not his.

What an interesting way of viewing family and partnership.

PeppyGreenFinch · 01/01/2025 10:24

Why doesn’t the mum have the kids every other weekend and you guys have them mid week?

What happens on weekends, are you expected to take care of all kids? Does DP not pull his weight?

How old are your kids? Can’t you do things suited for their ages and DH does things with the teens?

Janedoe82 · 01/01/2025 10:24

Coinsfortheeyes · 01/01/2025 10:11

My partner has two older children with his ex, both now at secondary school. I know that when their children were young she worked 3 days a week.

I'm currently on maternity leave. Will absolutely need to go back to work full-time, with additional overtime potentially. We need a 4 bedroom house to accommodate all kids (we have older 2 for 2 nights a week and longer during holidays). We also need a bigger car so that we are able to do days out etc.

My job is Mon - Fri and at the weekends we have all 4 children. I feel like I will never get any quality time with my children when I go back to work and I feel so upset about it.

Question is, AIBU to feel so resentful about this? Even though I knew it would be the case, I think my brain somehow thought there would be another option. If I ABU, how do I curb this horrible, angry feeling inside?

I am not sure how this has anything to do with his ex wife.

Didimum · 01/01/2025 10:27

Sorry, OP, YABU. They are his children and they need and deserve as much quality time with their dad as possible.

They don’t, however, need separate bedrooms if they’re only staying 2 nights a week.

Wrappingpapere · 01/01/2025 10:27

It’s understandable that you feel jealous that his ex was able to work part time. But really, if you want to work less then you do need to give up on things like a four bedroom house for now.

Can you work 4 days and get a cheaper 3 bedroom? Maybe look to get something bigger in a few years’ time? A less fancy car?

Maybe it’s not possible, even with those compromises, to work part time.

The older children are in secondary school. I’m sure that, on the weekend, they’re going to have their own lives and not want to spend all of it with your toddler and you and your DH.

The end of mat leave is a really emotional time, OP. But think about what you want, and try and find ways that it can work (do a swimming class / play date / music club with just you and your toddler etc that is quality time with just you on the weekend - or whatever kind of thing you’d both like).

MidnightPatrol · 01/01/2025 10:30

Path to madness to compare your life to when your DH’s ex had children.

Also not really fair to be annoyed at ‘lack of quality time with your own children’ when you married a man who already had children. Presumably you have been in this arrangement of having them at weekends for many years.

Also - what was true 10-15 years ago isn’t necessarily true now. Far more mothers are in full time work, due to the high cost of living.

Newhi · 01/01/2025 10:33

Was the baby an accident? If you had planned to have a baby surely you knew the financial implications beforehand and the consequences. It’s not the ex-wife’s fault you didn’t make provisions to allow more time off after the baby was born.

They are all his children and he needs to provide for them, you need to try and think of you all as a family rather than us and them.

GodspeedJune · 01/01/2025 10:35

Yes YABU, sorry. His previous circumstances are irrelevant and you chose to go in to the relationship knowing he had DC to consider. Perhaps acknowledging that your resentment isn’t reasonable will help to combat it? It’s ok to have the thought but then have a word with yourself about it, don’t let it fester.

OCDmama · 01/01/2025 10:36

Gymmum82 · 01/01/2025 10:14

You don’t need to provide for his kids. Bigger house? His problem. Bigger car? His problem. You support you and yours. Not his.
If you want quality time with your kids he needs to take his away somewhere. Yes you got in a relationship with a man with kids but they aren’t your responsibility. Also if they are secondary age they will be out with mates at weekends. Not coming round to dads house for much longer

Nope, it is her problem. She married a man with children.

This would also be the fastest way to become the next ex. Do you really think this approach makes a happy and stable marriage?

DelphiniumBlue · 01/01/2025 10:39

Why do you have the DSC every weekend? That's not a normal set-up. Maybe that could be changed?
I can see that you'd need at least 3 double bedrooms, and that's assuming the children all share with someone. Depending where you live, a big car is probably also necessary. I 'd be looking very hard at what you can cut back on, and also (depending on what work you do) think about working a weekend day and having a day off in the week with your DC.
It does sound like you are sucking up a lot of the stress here. What can DH do to help improve things?

motherofdragons79 · 01/01/2025 10:40

They are secondary she, so will be spending more time with their friends and out of the house. I think you're getting yourself stressed over something that's not likely to happen.

cartagenagina · 01/01/2025 10:43

You don’t need four bedrooms.

Re the jealousy of ex, you chose this man and this life. Saying that your brain thought there would be another option doesn’t make sense.

Newyear2025 · 01/01/2025 10:44

You don't need to have them every weekend. The normal set up is alternate weekends, the ex has pulled a blinder if she's managed to give you the bulk of the hard work.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 01/01/2025 10:45

I don’t think marrying and having children with a man who already has kids was a very good idea when other people are such an inconvenience to you TBH. They didn’t ask to be born and have their parents split but you did ask to be with this man and have kids with him. You’re an adult. Put your big girl pants on and deal with it