To feel resentful about his ex's return to work?

[Coinsfortheeyes]

My partner has two older children with his ex, both now at secondary school. I know that when their children were young she worked 3 days a week.

I'm currently on maternity leave. Will absolutely need to go back to work full-time, with additional overtime potentially. We need a 4 bedroom house to accommodate all kids (we have older 2 for 2 nights a week and longer during holidays). We also need a bigger car so that we are able to do days out etc.

My job is Mon - Fri and at the weekends we have all 4 children. I feel like I will never get any quality time with my children when I go back to work and I feel so upset about it.

Question is, AIBU to feel so resentful about this? Even though I knew it would be the case, I think my brain somehow thought there would be another option. If I ABU, how do I curb this horrible, angry feeling inside?

It is sad that the children and their mother don't have the opportunity to spend a weekend together. It's unusual and yes, a bit odd.

Unreasonable because this was all predictable when you got together and had more children, but still understandable because you are about to enter a very hard work phase of life now whilst ex's life is getting easier. Your time will come when things are easier too, just not yet. Hang in there.

Wow, this is really going to make for harmonious blending isn’t it ?

Quite often they do...or even if they don't, the second family gets the benefit of him being there full time rather than 50:50 or EOW so it can certainly feel as though the second family is favoured even if he truly loves them all equally.

There remains a stigma on single mothers and an idea that they must somehow be faulty if their previous relationship didn't work out. That same stigma doesn't seem to be on fathers in the same situation. Neither is acceptable, but I do wonder why the double standard exists.

So the children see less of their father?

Those kids didn't ask to be in that situation. They were here before the OP came along. By rights the mum could ask the dad to go 50/50 not to do even less.

Those kids didn't ask to be in that situation. They were here before the OP came along. By rights the mum could ask the dad to go 50/50 not to do even less.

Financially that would work out quite well. No need for child maintenance when 50/50.

And she probably should because they should do alternate weekends

i get the impression he doesn’t want midweek time as he works so it all revolves around what he wants

I understand this tbh. I wish more people were forced to read the stepparent board on here before they start a blended family, as I see so many similar posts. As long as the kids are all OK I think that's sadly the best you can hope for in the short term. The older dcs will grow up and leave home soon enough and imagine you'll see a lot less of them. At least you aren't feeling resentful of small children as I frequently see happening on here. It's part and parcel of stepparenting for some families

What kind of attitude is this? Being a step mum is a choice that nobody thrusts upon you, if you don’t want to be one it’s quite simple, don’t get with someone who has kids? Maybe his kids feel like they never get quality time with their dad because his partner is always around? It can work both ways.

How old are the stepchildren?

Are they old enough to include in the discussion?

Are they old enough that you may have a couple of tough years then all of a sudden it gets immensely easier? Eg cars - if they are 15/16 soon they might be driving themselves, soon will need to factor in things like part time jobs at weekends and social lives. They might not want to come as often as they will have their own plans, or would prefer to meet you all for a day out and then go back to mums so they can go out with friends?

Agree with PP plan a day out for you and your kids once a month. In reality with social lives / sports etc you’ll probably get at least one weekend day every so often where the SC are busy or would rather stay home and play on PlayStation or whatever so you, DC and DH can go to park.

This all can work and can mean a lovely family for years to come - my DH is 15 years older than his younger siblings - they have a great relationship. He used to babysit and take them for days out when he was a bit older. They are now amazing with our young kids, and my kids love having fun uncles in their 20’s! Blended families are hard work though. It’s okay to feel resentment that things are different for you than Ex Wife. But they can be different in a really positive way too, if you are open to a less traditional big family. Remember that even though you’re having to make sacrifices for your SC, your own kids will benefit from having their Dad living with them full time.

The bigger home will be much easier for everyone right now but if the stepkids are old enough look through Rightmove with them and suss out what they think. There might be an option to have a small box room converted to a bedroom, or a garden room built. Sofa bed in an office or playroom?

Your kids sound young - can they share comfortably in the biggest room, until older SC goes to uni?

You are being unreasonable as you are living your own choice to marry a man with an ex wife and children. When his ex married him she married a man without any existing responsibility, so all his resources could go on her and their children, enabling her to work less. You married him at a point when he has less to go round due to pre existing commitments. So your choices now are either to fill the gap by contributing more yourself, or accept a reduced standard of living and a smaller house.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but realistically that's the deal isn't it? It will do you no good to get bitter over the inevitable results of your choice of husband.

I bet this persons attitude would change if the child grows up and becomes rich and successful, suddenly they’d become a loving devoted stepmother

Why do they need their own rooms just for 8 days a month? They can bunk up with the younger kids surely. You'll have 2 empty rooms in your house for the majority of the time.

Perhaps for a short while but eventually her own kids will need their own rooms? And then will still need a “spare” for SC who I presume will still want to see their dad and their half siblings from time to time even when off to uni etc?

There are so many comments about the arrangement my OH has with his children which wasn't really the point of the post. For context, his ex has all school holidays off, hence why we have them every weekend. We also sometimes have them weekdays and also longer periods when he has booked holidays. This arrangement is long standing. He is very hands on and involved and would hate to see them any less than this, he struggles enough as it is.

I would drop to four days a week then you will have one day with your children. Put buying a four bedroom house on hold for a while. The children will just have to double up or sleep in the lounge/dining room on a sofa bed for a while.

Does he pay maintenance @Coinsfortheeyes

I get that he struggles but they are getting bigger they must be 13 and 11 at least and are going to move away and make their own decisions and he needs to respect that. Forced total family time and teenagers does not necessarily mix and spending less time with them is going to happen no matter what

You're not being unreasonable, but this is a consequence of being with man who chose to have a 2nd family. He now has two families to support and that means you will likely have a different experience of family life and motherhood from his first wife.

When my ExH got involved with another woman, he was clear with her that he didn't want to have more children because he wanted to give our shared DS all his focus (financially and emotionally). She eventually couldn't cope with that and left. It was sad, but the best outcome as we have to make sacrifices for the children we already have.

I am also happily remarried but decided to not have more for the same reasons.

Your DH is now having to cut his cloth and sadly that means you have to bear some of the consequences of that.

I'm not sure he should have had more children if he was going to struggle so much. It's hard to feel sympathy for a struggle that's completely self-created. It's not as though he was a first time parent and couldn't truly know the implications.

As a PP said, when his ex had kids with him he was in a completely different stage of life with different circumstances. When you met him his situation was different.

Unless your children are twins, you decided to have two knowing the situation with housing, cars etc. But you feel how you feel and that must be tough. But no point comparing yourself. If your step children are secondary age, then when they were small, life wasn't so expensive as it is now so makes sense that their mum was able to work part-time. Plus your husband wasn't supporting 4 kids back then.

They’ve already got a four bed house.

The end of maternity leave is usually a melancholy time and your feelings on going back to work is mixed in with resentment feelings of having to do extra shifts to afford a bigger house.
I think it’s as it should be, that your husband is very hands on with all the children and wants to make sure the older ones feel at home. He is just as much a father to them as he is to yours. If anything were to happen to their mum they would obviously move to yours immediately.

Yes he does

then why aren’t you doing more midweek and doing every other weekend to ease on the maintenance side as well (or would the mum not agree)

what are the distances from school?

you returning to work and both being in high school is a good time to properly and sensibly look at the status quo and what works and what is good for everyone - and I mean everyone not just him and he needs and wants.

because whether it is deliberate or not it is his needs and wants that come across in every post - and actually given the ages it is time for a rethink

because teenagers aren’t going to want constant family time every weekend

You are giving the ex too much headspace. What she did 10+ years ago really has no bearing on what you and DH do now.