To feel resentful about his ex's return to work?

[Coinsfortheeyes]

My partner has two older children with his ex, both now at secondary school. I know that when their children were young she worked 3 days a week.

I'm currently on maternity leave. Will absolutely need to go back to work full-time, with additional overtime potentially. We need a 4 bedroom house to accommodate all kids (we have older 2 for 2 nights a week and longer during holidays). We also need a bigger car so that we are able to do days out etc.

My job is Mon - Fri and at the weekends we have all 4 children. I feel like I will never get any quality time with my children when I go back to work and I feel so upset about it.

Question is, AIBU to feel so resentful about this? Even though I knew it would be the case, I think my brain somehow thought there would be another option. If I ABU, how do I curb this horrible, angry feeling inside?

Wow. Go team and all that…

Could you potentially compress your hours a little to maybe give you a half day on a Friday for example?

Every single one of these blended family posts is the same. YABU. You knew what you were getting into.

I have Ds17 and Dd14 who have to share a room due to circumstances beyond my control. I find your comment really offensive. We make it work although it isn't ideal it certainly isn't 'appalling' 😡

Ofcourse you are being unreasonable, welcome to the real world, you don't hear men complaining about going to work and they genuinely want to see their children grow up aswell, see all the things they learn and do but no one gives that a second thought do they, why, because thats life.

I hear now that alot of women want to be traditional wife's and let's be honest who wouldn't but when the choice was made feminists ruined it and this is the consequences.

I live in the real world and recognise this is an issue, hence me asking for advice. I'm expressing that I feel sad about not getting to spend any 1:1 time with my children. I want to work, I enjoy work, if I had a choice I would like to have a better work/life balance. I get that everyone obviously wants that.

I missed that question but yes I did share with my brother as a teenager also and didn't find it appalling. It's just what we were used to I guess so never knew any different?

With the older children getting older could you not do every other weekend why every weekend .

I wouldn't want to be a trad wife. I'd be rubbish at it for starters.

Why do you have all 4 children every weekend? I have no direct experience of custody arrangements but this seems… unfair? She has every weekend to herself? Whilst I agree you knew that you were taking on a man who had kids already, I find this situation strange.

The only caveat I'd suggest is that if you use all or most of your annual leave (not sure how much you get, but 25 days is pretty common) then that's just one day a week for 6 months. What happens after that? If LO is sick? Or you want to go on holiday, or just have a break later on in the year?
If they were all 'your' children (which they are, obviously in a very real sense) would you be wondering so much about spending quality time with the 'littler ones'. Pretty sure that as far as your toddler, and certainly the baby are concerned, the older two are their brother & sister, who just happen to have a different living arrangement.
The going-back-to-work hormones can cloud things a bit, but it's important to think about the bigger picture.

I also wondered this. If the two DSC are living between their mother's and their father's homes they shouldn't be spending every weekend at their father"s home. It is quite right and proper for the OP to want some time alone at the weekend with her own two children just as it is quite right and proper for the DSC's mother to want some time alone at the weekend with her two children. Maybe this is a child sharing issue that can be resolved?

@Nikki75 so you think that it is fair that his older children see their father even less to accommodate his wife and 2nd family? He lives with his other children 365 days a year. His older children get 8 days a month. As they get older that will diminish naturally, as they gain independence, but to force it to be less to accommodate the second families “ideal situation” is the action of an irresponsible parent. I’m glad that is not OP’s solution.

OP knew what she was getting into, she knew the custody agreement and she chose to have children knowing all of that. Why should the older children lose contact with their father as a result? I doubt anyone would support shunting older children off to have time with older children if they were all OP’s children- they are all her husband’s children and he has a responsibility to them all, not just his children with OP. I’m sure the younger children do get 1:1 time with their parents (the older children spend more of the holidays with mum, for instance)- perhaps not as much as would be OP’s ideal, but it’s not zero. Equally, how much 1:1 time do the older ones get with their dad without the younger ones around? It’s not anyone’s first choice but it is the reality that few get their “ideal” with blended families.

This is the best recipe for trashing a relationship I've seen for a while. How does makign the bigger house his responsibility work? He buys a different house for his and his DC to live in? He buys a bigger car out of his pay - how is this different from a family car? He works longer hours so OP and their DC never see him? All of this fosters real resentment between OP and her SDC, between OP and her DH, between their children and the SDC.

OP, I understand why you feel like this. Step-parenting is tricky (I am a step-mother of two DD). You obviously understand the demands becasue you said you were prepared for it, but the reality is never quite the same as the expectations. It's hard.

It's your DH's job to look after his children - you are well within your rights to do things with your DC that you don't involve the SDC in. They are old enough to entertain themselves a lot of the time. Try not to resent them - a good relationship with SDC can be very rewarding - I have one DSn from my first marriage. My late DH had two daughters from his first marriage. We were together for 40 years and his DDs were lovely. One sadly died shortly after he did - that was a bad time - but I feel as though I have a daughter as well as a DS, because of the good relationship I have with SDD. She's an adult now and a good friend and lovely support, as is my DS.

I do think your step children need their own rooms, for what it’s worth. However, could your younger two share until the eldest has left for Uni or similar?

Or even just in the short term?

I would also not look at your partner’s ex wife’s situation but instead at your own. What is it you want from your life at the moment - to work part time? How can you make this work - if at all? Can you make finances work on a part time income, and if so how?

Also, why are the kids with their mum all week and with your partner only on weekends? Would it be better if he had his kids some days in the week (if he did this, not you) and then they were with you only every other weekend?