To feel resentful about his ex's return to work?

[Coinsfortheeyes]

My partner has two older children with his ex, both now at secondary school. I know that when their children were young she worked 3 days a week.

I'm currently on maternity leave. Will absolutely need to go back to work full-time, with additional overtime potentially. We need a 4 bedroom house to accommodate all kids (we have older 2 for 2 nights a week and longer during holidays). We also need a bigger car so that we are able to do days out etc.

My job is Mon - Fri and at the weekends we have all 4 children. I feel like I will never get any quality time with my children when I go back to work and I feel so upset about it.

Question is, AIBU to feel so resentful about this? Even though I knew it would be the case, I think my brain somehow thought there would be another option. If I ABU, how do I curb this horrible, angry feeling inside?

I totally agree.

He is "adamant", he wants you all together at the weekend, he "struggles"...

Your posts read about your difficulties in meeting his needs. That's why people are asking about things like the every weekend arrangement and his late shifts every day. The bigger picture.

What about your needs? The needs of your children?

There are so many threads where men are condemned for not spending time with their children yet seems they can't do right for doing wrong!

Thanks to all who have recognised I'm not the devil incarnate for feeling a certain way. I really appreciate all of the practical solutions and suggestions re working hours as I can pose these things to management and see what their thoughts are. I don't want to move forward into the new year feeling bitter or resentful or anyone and I want to be as present as I can for both SC and my own.

YABU

i think you need to be honest with yourself- this situation didn’t just happen, and wasn’t done to you either, it has come about as the result of a series of decisions you have made. Firstly, to marry a man who already had children; secondly, to have further children with him when already aware of the custody/living situation. I get it is not the ideal situation for you, but you really cannot use your DH’s ex-wife’s situation as a bench mark- their position then has no bearing on your position now.

I think you need to look at the positives- your children live with both their parents full time and haven’t had to deal with their parents separating. His older children don’t have that, perhaps it would help if you can put it in that perspective- you and your children have advantages that your step-children don’t have, so it’s not like all the negatives on your side.

No. But weekends are often the relaxed times

I doubt their mum has that much quality time in the week

If only you'd known this man had children before you decided to procreate with him...

It's not going to be easy having teens and babies together all the time. Their needs and wants are so different. I'm assuming when OP got married and had kids she hadn't anticipated she would be working full time and then every weekend day would be spent with her step children. That's a big ask.

I think the teens being with their mum for every other weekend would benefit all but perhaps you can't suggest it as it sounds like your DH is very sensitive about it all as it is. As your children get older are yours still going to share rooms whilst you have two out of four bedrooms empty Monday to Friday? Very strange. Sometimes men have a sense of guilt about a family breaking up and overcompensate by doing things like this.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I don't think the OP is being deeply unreasonable. She is no doubt financially contributing to two children who are not hers. She is paying for more housing (and yet her children have to share a room), more food and more car for children that are not hers. The idea that she should have to pick up overtime would give me the rage - if there is anybody picking up extra shifts it should be their father. She's not even technically their stepmother as she refers to him as a partner rather than a husband. And it seems to be all about what he wants and his struggles and so on. Hell would freeze over before I had children without a wedding ring on my finger and be working overtime to support children that were not mine.

It isn’t about spending time it is about working out how that time should be spent recognising thah things have changed and work out what arrangements suits everyone not just what he wants

Could you try compressed hours so you get a day off in the week?

There are so many threads where men are condemned for not spending time with their children yet seems they can't do right for doing wrong!

@Coinsfortheeyes not sure what you mean? No one has suggested he's spending too much time with his children...

On the contrary, your dh avoids spending time with any of his children in the week. Preferring to leave the mundane, day to day slog for their Mothers to carry out.

Even at the weekend, he likes you all to be together. It's handy that this means he never has to look after any of his children without you there.

Meanwhile, he's "adamant" that his teens need their own room each.

And, the question of when the teens have a weekend with their Mother is unanswered.

He's living the life of Riley, while you're on here wondering how to get to spend some time alone with your own children.

Seriously, it's time to step back and think about who this is all revolving around.

Sounds like Dad has more kids than he can afford.

YANBU. Your feelings sound perfectly logical.

With them being teenagers, I do think this is short term. They will want to spend weekends with their friends.

In the meantime, interested to know what your OH thinks when you’ve talked about it.

I think I've missed why you're upset about the ex working full-time.

She’s not. She’s upset that she has to go back to work full time, whereas the ex only had to work part time.

Ah, thank you.

I really don't understand why the impression is that we all do what Dad wants. This is the arrangement in place and was a joint decision made with ex. As I explained previously she has a term time contract so is able to have the children all through school holidays. She has asked for him to have them weekends and he was happy to do so as he enjoys spending time with his children? He does have them in the week too sometimes but can't the majority of the time because of his shift work. He has a flexi working agreement in place to make sure he has weekends available as agreed with ex. When he is off, whilst I am also there, he does his fair share of housework and caring for children. This was never a concern. Thanks for your input but I think you have completely missed the point of my post.

Thank you, that is helpful. They are 12 (just) and 13. We have spoken about it this evening and do think OH should probably sit down with ex and SC and check that they are still happy with agreement in place (now that they are older to contribute to the decision making a little more). My children are young and will be sharing a room. You're absolutely right one of the greatest benefits to SC is seeing how much my toddler adores his older siblings and how much they revert to being proper children when with him! I think they are enjoying the toy kitchen Santa brought more than him!!! I look forward to watching their relationship develop as they get older.

Maybe just don't have kids with someone who already has them 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't like this either. I think every other weekend would be reasonable.

It sounds like things are not too bad. Although all the same father, we had a 10 year gap then twins and the youngest adored having older siblings. I am not sure if the couple is married but if not take lots of legal advice on that as it is very different from if this man had married them other of his latest 2 children. I would concentrate on working full time (writing here as a mother who earned more than my children's father - money gives stability and protects children). I always worked full time.

Once back at work the concerns about leaving the baby tend to go and things are okay.

If not married but helping financially with the father's original children do be aware of the legal position - I think there is a Children Act and if an unmarried partner pays for things for a child who is a "child of the family" including not your own genetic child then if you split up you have to keep paying for those teenagers who are not your children - worth getting an hour's advice from a solicitor without the man present to discuss a number of issues.

Welcome to MN where all men are abusive, controlling lazy twats and women are their victims.

🙄 🙄 Only on MN.

I get why it’s difficult. Returning to work from maternity leave is really tough. Were you able to return PT the first time?

Four children is a lot. There are threads all over Mumsnet of mums debating whether to have a second or third or fourth - and finances nearly always factor into that decision. I’ve personally decided not to have a third for financial reasons.

You’ve decided to have four - I know you didn’t personally make two of them but you were aware of their existence when you decided to have two more with their dad. So you have chosen to have four children.

There are financial downsides to that decision but the upside is that you get to have four children in your life - with all the benefits that brings with it. Your DC get to have three siblings. They could all be really close. It could be a lovely thing, but that depends in part on you letting go of any resentment you might feel towards your stepkids or their mother.

You sound like you’re trying really hard to make this work, it’s not easy! Especially with teens so many decisions are made for them, it can help to make them feel they are included in the process and ask them how they feel about things, be honest about what’s achievable. A bit like toddlers present a few options that are manageable for you and let them pick.

“When you come to stay would you rather share a room with your brother or your little sister?” “we are thinking of taking little siblings to soft play tomorrow, would you like to come with us / stay home / go meet friend.”

Hopefully a couple of awkward years will pay off long term. It’s so hard finishing maternity leave and dealing with the mum guilt and reluctance to end that lovely happy period where it’s you and baby. The relationships you forge now within your blended family will hopefully be a wonderful thing long term. Good luck & be kind to yourself, make sure you have time for you, as well as time with your own DC.