Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resentful about his ex's return to work?

190 replies

Coinsfortheeyes · 01/01/2025 10:11

My partner has two older children with his ex, both now at secondary school. I know that when their children were young she worked 3 days a week.

I'm currently on maternity leave. Will absolutely need to go back to work full-time, with additional overtime potentially. We need a 4 bedroom house to accommodate all kids (we have older 2 for 2 nights a week and longer during holidays). We also need a bigger car so that we are able to do days out etc.

My job is Mon - Fri and at the weekends we have all 4 children. I feel like I will never get any quality time with my children when I go back to work and I feel so upset about it.

Question is, AIBU to feel so resentful about this? Even though I knew it would be the case, I think my brain somehow thought there would be another option. If I ABU, how do I curb this horrible, angry feeling inside?

OP posts:
solopanda · 01/01/2025 10:54

Coinsfortheeyes · 01/01/2025 10:52

Yes this is exactly why they have their own rooms and space. We want them to feel that this is their home as much as their mums.

Show quote history

My stepkids share a room and I find it quite insulting that you suggest this makes this home any less a home for them.

ElderLemon · 01/01/2025 10:56

solopanda · 01/01/2025 10:54

My stepkids share a room and I find it quite insulting that you suggest this makes this home any less a home for them.

Show quote history

You are very easily insulted, as the OP was not referring to you.

berksandbeyond · 01/01/2025 10:56

@blossomtoes no, OP doesn't get a free pass and needs to realise she has baby #3 and #4 NOT baby number #1 and #2

Original poster
Coinsfortheeyes · 01/01/2025 10:57

PeppyGreenFinch · 01/01/2025 10:24

Why doesn’t the mum have the kids every other weekend and you guys have them mid week?

What happens on weekends, are you expected to take care of all kids? Does DP not pull his weight?

How old are your kids? Can’t you do things suited for their ages and DH does things with the teens?

We do occasionally have them midweek as well but mainly weekends because of his shifts (often in work til 9/10pm on weeknights). He pulls his weight at weekends, that isn't a concern. I think that's a good point about maybe spending some time individually though. I think he always wants it to be all of us so that he gets to spend time with all the children.

OP posts:
Anothercoffeeafter3 · 01/01/2025 10:57

@solopanda we have 5 bedrooms for 3 of us as we wanted the space, we have friends who have no kids in 5/6 bedroom houses. People buy what they can afford.

I'm not saying the mum dying but if the kids are spending every weekend at dads they are obviously happy there or they would want some time at mams on a weekend. What's stopping one or both of them wanting to move in with the OP as they get older.

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 01/01/2025 10:57

If your boyfriend is adamant that his kids have a bedroom each, that's on him to fund. Same for the bigger car. It's not on you to do overtime to fund this.

Moveoverdarlin · 01/01/2025 10:59

I hit you’re being unreasonable because what on earth did you think it would be like? If I met a bloke in a bar when I was single and he said he had two kids with his ex, I would have run for the hills. That is everything I wouldn’t want in life.

Did you think you’d have your own babies and the two older ones would just vanish for you to play happy families?

This is what getting involved with a man either kids looks like!

  • Dealing with his Ex forever and a day
  • Dealing with teenagers when you have newborns
  • Constant struggle for DHs love / attention / cash
  • Having to treat stepkids as your own when they just aren’t

I think many women date a man with kids and see it as a novelty, but when they have their own children they’d like the step-kids to just slide on back to their own mother and leave them to it.

mitogoshigg · 01/01/2025 10:59

The children existed before you decided to have more so sorry yabu. It's the downside to having a relationship with a man already with kids. I have 2 dsd's one of which lived with us full time until she moved in with her boyfriend, that happened suddenly because her mum moved in with her dp, we found out literally the day before that she was coming! It's part of the territory, you need to be prepared, so yes you won't have that space with just your dc but they are all his dc

Didimum · 01/01/2025 10:59

Autumn38 · 01/01/2025 10:53

Even if it’s a boy and a girl? I should think teens of opposite genders probably shouldn’t be sharing a room?

Show quote history

Yes, I did think that possibly. Though I still don’t think it’s a big deal for 2 nights a week. And I have a boy/girl older two.

TopshopCropTop · 01/01/2025 11:00

Yes YABU. You selected this man with existing children. If you didn’t want to put up with him providing for them you should have selected better.

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 01/01/2025 11:01

@Moveoverdarlin spot on! I'd be gone before he'd even finished the saying the sentence of announcing he has a kid 😆

Have you prioritised your own financial independence OP?

Original poster
Coinsfortheeyes · 01/01/2025 11:02

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 01/01/2025 10:45

I don’t think marrying and having children with a man who already has kids was a very good idea when other people are such an inconvenience to you TBH. They didn’t ask to be born and have their parents split but you did ask to be with this man and have kids with him. You’re an adult. Put your big girl pants on and deal with it

Yes this is exactly what I do on a daily basis. They have no idea I feel this way and this does not impact them. I am using this as an anonymous forum in an effort to support me pulling up my big girl pants! I don't deem other people as an inconvenience, that is clearly an unfair statement.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coinsfortheeyes · 01/01/2025 11:05

Squidlydoo · 01/01/2025 10:47

I have been in your situation with two older step children and empathise complete. Baby hormones are still high and you are understandably apprehensive about returning to work and leaving your baby. You are feeling resentment towards the SC for this - but in reality, the baby, your current living arrangement and your back to work plans are yours and your partners choice rather than theirs. That doesn’t mean I minimise your feelings but it is important to recognise this factor.

i suspect the dread of returning to work and separation anxiety is the main issue here and you would feel the same regardless of the older step children.

I would also add that in my experience the relationship with older stepchildren will evolve as they get older, at 16 and 17, we don’t see mine as regularly or as frequently any more as they are getting older, work and have a much more active social lives

I would advise you to try and separate a few of the issue as they are compounding in your head. Your primal mothering instinct is kicking in here and all you can see is threats… however…

  1. in the short term how can you spend more time with your baby? Is there no option for 4 days a week even for a year? This may alleviate some of your anxiety. Can you use annual leave?
  2. in 5 years, your family set up may have radically changed, there may be future children and even if not, your SC will be much older and your routine will be different
  3. the ex and her part time working is annoying but irrelevant.

be kind to yourself. I am now 8 years on from your point and look back at this time with the benefit of hindsight. The primal mothering instinct made this period challenging with my stepchildren although we are very close.

if a house downsize is a long term suitable option, then consider it but not as a short term knee jerk reaction to address your current feelings

good luck

Edited

Thank you for the empathy and practical ideas. I think using some of my annual leave perhaps a day a week or something could be really helpful, thank you.

OP posts:
laveritable · 01/01/2025 11:05

YABU. kids in secondary sch, might not say 2 words to you ALL weekend!

BIossomtoes · 01/01/2025 11:05

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 01/01/2025 11:01

@Moveoverdarlin spot on! I'd be gone before he'd even finished the saying the sentence of announcing he has a kid 😆

Have you prioritised your own financial independence OP?

Edited

That’s what I said, yet here we are - three stepchildren and now six grandchildren. The older you are, the harder it is to find someone without kids, ideally you don’t add more to the mix.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 01/01/2025 11:05

Coinsfortheeyes · 01/01/2025 11:02

Yes this is exactly what I do on a daily basis. They have no idea I feel this way and this does not impact them. I am using this as an anonymous forum in an effort to support me pulling up my big girl pants! I don't deem other people as an inconvenience, that is clearly an unfair statement.

Show quote history

With respect, kids pick up on feelings very very easily. Just because you don’t state your resentment out loud it doesn’t mean they don’t pick up on it

notbelieved · 01/01/2025 11:05

You don't need to have them every weekend. The normal set up is alternate weekends, the ex has pulled a blinder if she's managed to give you the bulk of the hard work

Oh wow. Presumably the contact arrangement is long-standing. But hey, new babies, older kids should just put up and shut up, eh? It might be easier to do every other weekend and a night ot two during the week but how would the OP feel about that?

And the work with teens is definitely mid-week. Weekends are a lot less stressful.

Original poster
Coinsfortheeyes · 01/01/2025 11:06

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 01/01/2025 10:48

They obviously do.

Their own children have a bedroom each, OP and her DH have a bedroom and that SC share a room. That’s 4 bedrooms

Show quote history

No. We have a bedroom. My own children share. SC have a bedroom each.

OP posts:
Getitwright · 01/01/2025 11:09

It must be hard at times, attraction doesn’t follow set rules, but once you have made an informed decision, and choose a second time round relationship, there are always going to be compromises, and you just have to work through them. It might well be that the two teenagers don’t fancy being around a new born/ toddler, so the arrangements around Dad seeing his first borns might alter anyway. Or, they might love it, and give you some help at times, it could work out either way.

GabriellaMontez · 01/01/2025 11:09

Why do you have them every weekend?

I would prioritise some time with my own children at the weekend. That's important.

It sounds awful. I'm not surprised you're resentful. I'm afraid I don't have an answer.

I assume everyone in this scenario is working full time?

TheignT · 01/01/2025 11:10

Coinsfortheeyes · 01/01/2025 10:51

Thank you, I definitely don't show this to his older 2, I know they feel very welcome here. 4 bedrooms are needed for me and OH, his 2 have their own room each and our 2 share as both little. It will be a difficult transition for sure.

Show quote history

The older two feeling very welcome is a great start. Is there any way round the 4 bed thing? 3 bed house with dining room that can be used as a bedroom (I did that when my teenage brother moved in with us for various reasons it actually worked well as he was less likely to disturb my kids who were little at the time.)

Doing something to take a bit of pressure off would be good, maybe letting you drop to 4 days or at the least meaning no expectation of you doing overtime.

Your husband can be adamant about needing a 4 bed but you can be adamant about needing time when you can focus on the 2 little ones and him having all 4 together does not trump that. Good luck, I hope it works out.

elfshenanigans · 01/01/2025 11:12

GabriellaMontez · 01/01/2025 11:09

Why do you have them every weekend?

I would prioritise some time with my own children at the weekend. That's important.

It sounds awful. I'm not surprised you're resentful. I'm afraid I don't have an answer.

I assume everyone in this scenario is working full time?

Presumably to spend time with their dad? Why should they see their dad only every other weekend just because he decided to have more kids. Weird comment

Behindthethymes · 01/01/2025 11:14

I’d be resentful too if I was sacrificing time with my baby to work FT plus, to fund my partner’s life choices.

Does your dp put as much emotional energy into finding ways to make this blended family work? Is he investing in his career, finding ways to earn more money? stressing about providing security for all of his family members? Or did his problem solving end at getting a new partner?

If you’re not married, you would be crazy to consider giving up work. You need to focus on the realities of your own situation, because comparing your circumstances with hers is a red herring.

Would you be any worse off if you left and raised the baby by yourself? Could you afford to do that just working FT, without losing more time with your dc working overtime to fund a bigger house?

lolly792 · 01/01/2025 11:14

You can't help how you feel, but you already know that it's not a reasonable feeling. You entered into a relationship with a father to two children so surely on some level, you knew there were going to be big compromises and adjustments along the way.

It's probably the coming to the end of Mat Leave which is heightening the emotions. It'll feel easier once you're back at work.

The important thing is to continue to not show these feelings to the step children who haven't chosen this situation.

I also think it helps hugely to look for the positives in any situation, eg you are in a far better position career wise and in terms of pension than his ex if she only works 3 days a week. So even though you feel resentful now, she could be envying you in the future. You won't always feel like this.

Just as a personal example: when my kids were born 30 years ago, Mat Leave was much shorter and I returned to work when my baby was 12 weeks old. There was no paternity leave at all, dh could only take the day of the birth off work. It would be easy to feel resentful of mums now who get a whole year off work, and their partners who often get a fortnight off, plus the options of transferable leave. Oh and subsidised childcare (free hours didn't exist at all back in the day...) It's important to keep focussed on the positives: yes it would have been nice to have a year of mat leave but on the other hand, I didn't have to deal with all the separation anxiety of returning to work with an older baby.

Stay focussed on the fact that you are providing a good life for your children (and your step children.) Also you only see the outward surface of the Ex's life; you don't really know how she feels about her life, work etc It's never good to envy someone else's life, concentrate on mak

lolly792 · 01/01/2025 11:14

*on making yours the best it can be