To feel resentful about his ex's return to work?

[Coinsfortheeyes]

My partner has two older children with his ex, both now at secondary school. I know that when their children were young she worked 3 days a week.

I'm currently on maternity leave. Will absolutely need to go back to work full-time, with additional overtime potentially. We need a 4 bedroom house to accommodate all kids (we have older 2 for 2 nights a week and longer during holidays). We also need a bigger car so that we are able to do days out etc.

My job is Mon - Fri and at the weekends we have all 4 children. I feel like I will never get any quality time with my children when I go back to work and I feel so upset about it.

Question is, AIBU to feel so resentful about this? Even though I knew it would be the case, I think my brain somehow thought there would be another option. If I ABU, how do I curb this horrible, angry feeling inside?

I can see why you feel this way, it is hard but there are ways to make it feel better….

-use your annual leave to take 1 week day per month off with your LO
-arrange baby play dates at soft plays etc with friends (or not but use as excuse, white lie) at least one weekend day per month
-maximise time together early evenings (feed the ducks or softplay or park) straight after work once or twice a week). I did this with my LO (they were in bed by 7 I spent lots of time with them and then ate and tidied up etc when they were sleeping)
-help DH to arrange older kid (all day) activities for him and dc (e.g theme park day out, hiking, beach, ) at least 1 per month
-if you are going to resent WFT forever during these early years, seriously look at dropping a day, compressing hours, for a few years.
-look at building your career for a few years, then going PT for a bit while DC is still young. I switched to PT when my kids were older and love being here for them after school and having energy to do homework (and generally less stressed and have time to deal with the teenage angst). Realistically will be looking for FT hours again soon for pension reasons etc but I have had a precious few years of PT.
-Plenty of kids have to share rooms, in five years the older ones will be at uni and stay over rarely. Otherwise, can you bunk your LO in with you (more time together, close to you), have you got another area in the house (office, garage, summerhouse, conservatory) that could be made into a personal space for the the DSC or DC or you?

On the plus side:

-If they are typical teens, they will spend a lot of time either in their room or out with friends and —as they get older you may have reliable babysitters that allow you and DH time out together and
-you will get fair warning of what teenage years look like
-your LO will have cool older siblings to adore
-your DSC will get a baby sibling to adore

I was in your position op.
4 kids.
The 2 older ones had sofa beds in the dining room.
They were very happy with that
I went back part time
We didn't go out when they were here at the weekend - only one car - but we still had fun.
Once baby was 10 I went back full time, but elder 2 were off doing their own thing.
And once we got our 4 bed - for separate time period , each of them did live with us for abit.
It all worked out.

lots of ideas on the internet about dividing rooms to create individual private spaces for kids. Can you do that for the step children?

Well yes, making a choice to have 4 children does result in needing more money, and thus needing to work more, than 2.

But then you get the benefits of 4 children too.

It's a choice we all make.

This is the post that nails it.

When she went back to work part-time she and her then husband didn't have to factor in stepkids.

You and your now husband do have to factor in stepkids/kids from his first marriage.

She may have her own complaints along the lines of I never expected to have to split my assets 50/50 or go back full time when my kids got to secondary age but we all have to deal with the hand we are dealt with when life doesn't work out they way we thought.

Something like this?

I am well aware of this. I haven't given full details on my original post for obvious reasons but quite honestly I spend more quality time with them than their own mum. They are welcome and loved here. My AIBU is around my feelings about going back to work full time and not being able to have that same quality time with my own children one on one.

This may come across as harsh but I think to tackle the resentment you have to acknowledge your role in this situation. This isn't something that just happened, its a result of choices you made.

Deciding to be in a relationship with a man who has 2 children already, and going on to have 2 more children with him was always going to mean your life will be different from the ex wife's life.

You should be going back full time to safeguard your own finances and pension, being unmarried means you definitely shouldn't be reducing your income.
@4forksache that's on the father of all these kids to figure out, not OPs responsibility. Her own kids already share a room.

Or you can divide rooms with bookcases, some facing into each section. And use curtains.

You can be creative in giving each child their own private space.

This.
My neighbour had an affair with a married man.

He left his wife and two teenagers to live with her.

The teenagers used to stay every other weekend.

Then… Tragically the teenager’s mum died ( she was Ill) and the teenagers came to live next door with their Dad and his OW.

The next door neighbour wasn’t happy.

She had a late baby herself, and she and the teen girl used to fight a lot.

I felt really sorry for the teenagers.

Does your husband expect your kids to share a bedroom long term? It isn’t really fair on them to share for the benefit of half siblings that are only there two nights a week. I get it’s ok now while they’re too young to know any different.

It’s so easy to have kids thinking it will all work itself out though. That’s what society wants us to think as women. It’s only when the kids are here that we can really see what we’ve gotten ourselves into. I hope you can kind a way of dealing with your resentment though. Maybe you’ll be glad of the break from the kids eventually and the day may come when you’re glad you’re still earning your own money.

Thank you for these super practical suggestions! I really appreciate that, exactly what I needed to read rn!

The ex has them 5 days out of 7. How is she avoiding the hard work?

Why have you got them every weekend? Doesn't their mother want some weekends with them?

i suspect the dread of returning to work and separation anxiety is the main issue here and you would feel the same regardless of the older stepchildren

Yeah, there may well be something to this.

Maybe their mother works weekends whilst they are with their father. Maybe that's how she afford to live.

“
It’s so easy to have kids thinking it will all work itself out though. That’s what society wants us to think as women. It’s only when the kids are here that we can really see what we’ve gotten ourselves into. “

@Tangled123

These words should be on billboards everywhere.

So many women get pregnant with men who already have kids and then expect the man to favour their child over the first wife’s child/ren.

Why should their Mum never have a weekend with them? Weird idea.

I think the OP answered this earlier. Her husband can't do any week days because of his shifts.

I suppose he could always see them less, or change his work so he can do some week days.

And are both houses near each other?
I would have thought the teens would want to see their friends at weekends sometimes

It is very difficult. I didn't remarry after my divorce and am glad I avoid this - although as the higher earner (so my ex got loads of my money on the divorce) and with 5 chlidren it was certainly not easy. I have always worked full time.

I think full time work preserves your career and ensures you are not the person at home who is expected to do more domestically - it gives you power, money and control. It is not a ball and chain, but your salvation. You don't of course have to look after his 2 teenagers when they come as they are not your children. Their father can do their childcare and buy their stuff and you can take your own children out for quite a bit at the weekends away from the teenagers.

I never felt I missed out by going back to work. All I missed was hours and hours of very boring nappy changing. The only difficult thing for me was expressing breastmilk at work which was not fun.

Good luck.

This would certainly be the norm.
When my son was 14 plus
he used to stay home alone from Friday to Sunday occasionally while I visited family in London.
He loved it and had his friends round. He would also stay overnight with his friends too.

Yabu tbh, you knew the situation before you planned to have a family, and these are decisions many families face.

It is absolutely possible to have quality time with your own family within a blended family, you just need to create those opportunities.

For example, I generally take my kids to their sports games and he takes his, that way we get 1 on 1 time with each child that way. My kids are more adventurous food wise so sometimes I'll take just them to a restaurant the others don't like. But equally we do things as a family and divide the other way - in London recently DP took his and my son to a museum they wanted to see, while I took his and my daughter shopping.

It is absolutely possible but you have to let go of your focus on his ex and their life - that was then and this is now