To feel resentful about his ex's return to work?

[Coinsfortheeyes]

My partner has two older children with his ex, both now at secondary school. I know that when their children were young she worked 3 days a week.

I'm currently on maternity leave. Will absolutely need to go back to work full-time, with additional overtime potentially. We need a 4 bedroom house to accommodate all kids (we have older 2 for 2 nights a week and longer during holidays). We also need a bigger car so that we are able to do days out etc.

My job is Mon - Fri and at the weekends we have all 4 children. I feel like I will never get any quality time with my children when I go back to work and I feel so upset about it.

Question is, AIBU to feel so resentful about this? Even though I knew it would be the case, I think my brain somehow thought there would be another option. If I ABU, how do I curb this horrible, angry feeling inside?

Obviously not hence the post. I clearly already feel crap about feeling this way.

It’s the norm if you’re a useless parent I guess. Also what a bloody weird assumption to make. The ex is cheeky because she wants her kids to see their dad more than 26 weekends a year? Yeah sooo cheeky to be the RP 🙄

They are teenage boy and girl and my OH has always been pretty adamant that they have their own rooms, which I do get although wasn't granted myself as a teenager 😂

You willingly chose to have a children with a man who had already done it all already. You've made your bed, now you'll have to lie in it

I have been in your situation with two older step children and empathise complete. Baby hormones are still high and you are understandably apprehensive about returning to work and leaving your baby. You are feeling resentment towards the SC for this - but in reality, the baby, your current living arrangement and your back to work plans are yours and your partners choice rather than theirs. That doesn’t mean I minimise your feelings but it is important to recognise this factor.

i suspect the dread of returning to work and separation anxiety is the main issue here and you would feel the same regardless of the older step children.

I would also add that in my experience the relationship with older stepchildren will evolve as they get older, at 16 and 17, we don’t see mine as regularly or as frequently any more as they are getting older, work and have a much more active social lives

I would advise you to try and separate a few of the issue as they are compounding in your head. Your primal mothering instinct is kicking in here and all you can see is threats… however…

1. in the short term how can you spend more time with your baby? Is there no option for 4 days a week even for a year? This may alleviate some of your anxiety. Can you use annual leave?
2. in 5 years, your family set up may have radically changed, there may be future children and even if not, your SC will be much older and your routine will be different
3. the ex and her part time working is annoying but irrelevant.

be kind to yourself. I am now 8 years on from your point and look back at this time with the benefit of hindsight. The primal mothering instinct made this period challenging with my stepchildren although we are very close.

if a house downsize is a long term suitable option, then consider it but not as a short term knee jerk reaction to address your current feelings

good luck

They obviously do.

Their own children have a bedroom each, OP and her DH have a bedroom and that SC share a room. That’s 4 bedrooms

Did you share with your brother? Because that’s pretty appalling.

And when does she spend days out with the children?

I'm in a similar position so understand the feeling. It's not a nice feeling but it is what it is. If it helps then ask your husband to contribute more to the joint pot to cover his kids and then you get more spending money which you can spend on you/your kids. Don't take time off work for the step kids. Take unpaid parental leave to spend with your kids? Why are you paying towards 2 extra rooms? Just one room is needed at this stage and he should pay the difference in the mortgage for this.

YABVU if you have that attitude towards kids who didn’t ask to be living between two houses and to be a financial inconvenience. Your own child will ultimately have the advantage of having two parents for 100% of the time even if they both work

I don’t understand this mentality at all.

If you have a kid round for a play date at your home are they not your responsibility? So why is a step child, whose life you chose to be part of (they didn’t choose you) not your responsibility at your home?

I can’t be doing with manchild or woman child people who get into a relationship with a parent and then act all stupid and surprised when there’s a child or two they have to acknowledge. Imagine being so dim!

They bunk up with their half siblings when they're here then

Thank you, I definitely don't show this to his older 2, I know they feel very welcome here. 4 bedrooms are needed for me and OH, his 2 have their own room each and our 2 share as both little. It will be a difficult transition for sure.

Financially - his problem. He has chosen to have 4 kids he should be paying towards 4 kids

It's pretty normal to feel upset about going back to work after a baby but yabu to resent his ex when all these choices are yours. You took him and his baggage on, its you thinking you need a big house and car. Examine things honestly and make the situation workfor you ie: less work, less stuff if thats the priority.

Could you do condensed hours if you want to have a day off with little one during the week? The baby might be your 1st but actually they are the 3rd child in your family which means they often don't get 1 on 1 time that's normal. I would buy the bigger house as you never know what's going to happen and could end up with the older 2 full time so I would want space for them. I went back full time DS is 11 and I'm glad I did as my career didn't take a hit so we have a nice life and frankly he can't remember the toddler years but does remember last years holiday paid for because I was at work full time. You could also look at things like parental leave or using annual leave outside of the school holidays to get 1 on 1 time.

In a few years you will look back and not be bothered you didn't go part time. The toddler years fly over and what comes next is even more magical but they are at school mon-fri so you don't mind being at work to pay for the weekend fun.

This is the second thread this week alone where a man has started again and happily made more kids than he can afford and the woman has to deal with the consequences

Yes this is exactly why they have their own rooms and space. We want them to feel that this is their home as much as their mums.

No one buys a house with more bedrooms than needed in case the kids mum dies and they end up there full time. That's ridiculous

I’m assuming he is, given they live in a large house.

Going back to work is shite though after maternity leave but not very fair to blame a totally blameless party of children least of all feel resentment towards a woman who bears very little significance!

Even if it’s a boy and a girl? I should think teens of opposite genders probably shouldn’t be sharing a room?

Thank you, it's actually really good to know someone else has felt the same way so I appreciate that.

I think the blinkers might have fallen off for you, and you are just coming to terms with the reality of being in a second married/relationship. There always have to be compromises, as they inevitably come with existing baggage. It’s how you choose to deal with the pro’s and con’s that will challenge you. Don’t forget that maybe to the ex wife, his older children, you are the baggage, so if possible, it’s always best to sort things out amicably and without rancour or jealousy. It was your choice, the relationship, the pregnancy.

However it would be fair to transition the SC into the one room. The kids there full time will soon need their own rooms

So the woman who made the additional kids gets a free pass? Did he hold a gun to her head?