To feel resentful about his ex's return to work?

[Coinsfortheeyes]

My partner has two older children with his ex, both now at secondary school. I know that when their children were young she worked 3 days a week.

I'm currently on maternity leave. Will absolutely need to go back to work full-time, with additional overtime potentially. We need a 4 bedroom house to accommodate all kids (we have older 2 for 2 nights a week and longer during holidays). We also need a bigger car so that we are able to do days out etc.

My job is Mon - Fri and at the weekends we have all 4 children. I feel like I will never get any quality time with my children when I go back to work and I feel so upset about it.

Question is, AIBU to feel so resentful about this? Even though I knew it would be the case, I think my brain somehow thought there would be another option. If I ABU, how do I curb this horrible, angry feeling inside?

I would probably say I was only going back part time and all plans would have to flow from that

@Coinsfortheeyes amazed how many posters have missed the point of your post!

I note DH does shifts but is there any way any of that could change? I’m thinking of you maybe condensing hours say 5 days into 4.5 and having an afternoon to yourself a week, or even 5 into 4. Alternatively use annual leave creatively/maybe shorter lunch sometimes (if employer is agreeable and/or you feel it won’t make you stressed to do that etc). If you are able to carve out this time, it is not there for others to ‘volunteer’ you to do other stuff ‘because you are not working’ - it is for you to chill or use with the little ones or just to sit with your feet up and have a cuppa/read a book. I wouldn’t even tell people. You have obviously been really flexible and I hope your DH appreciates you (sounds like he does).

This sounds eminently sensible.
Museums in London are wonderful- and so is the shopping 🛍!
😂

It’s a really vulnerable time going back to work with lots of big emotions but I think you need to be realistic in that four children is a significant outlay, both financially and time wise, and you made that decision (in that you knew he was responsible for two when you decided he was having a third and fourth). His ex-wife might be resentful that there’s another two kids around to share resources with too thinking of uni fees etc and she didn’t get a choice in it so everyone just has to make the best of it. You can’t change this now but maybe have a good conversation with your partner about what it looks like - can he take on extra hours so you have more time at home? Can both older kids and younger kids share for a bit and you have smaller house? Can you cut back financially anywhere in terms on holidays, clothing etc? I imagine older kids would like some time with dad doing older fun activities so maybe that would give you time with just your kids? Of course that’s hard in that it’s solo but realistically it’s the situation you’re in.

All of us can feel what we feel, especially at a point which is emotional anyway. The situation you are in has been caused by various different things so maybe dividing them and looking at them separately would help see where changes could help.
You do need a four bedroom house so that is not variable.
You do need to go back to work so can you find any ways to make this a more effective way of earning, are compressed hours a possibility? Can you work 9/10 and have one day off a fortnight. In doing calculations remember that once you have worked enough to use tax allowance each extra hour brings in less).
Can you vary when the step children come, switching to two weekdays would free up weekends, or every second weekend and weekdays the other week. From what you said it is your partner’s work that leads to the weekends being chosen and it is his choice to spend it all together to see all four children. One, this isn’t going to be easy as very different ages and two, why do his wishes and convenience trump everybody else’s?
It isn’t for ever but you do have a few years of it so worth sitting down with your partner and talking through how everyone copes and contributes.

Ah thanks @Sarahconnor1 I missed that.

Is the mum happy with no weekend time and getting the short shrift of school days

thst said I think he is in danger of over correcting because he has other children now - no one needs to spend time as a family all the time certainly not teenagers and all could do with one to one time we certainly split it

and recognising as they get older they will want friend and alone time as well

And be honest with him - and what may need to change going forward

It sounds like your DH can’t really afford 3 kids.

@Diomi he has 4

Sorry you’re getting some bashing comments on here.

Our situation is similar but also reversed. I am expecting our second, we have the 2 DSC weekdays though (with weekends at their mums). I cannot imagine working all week and then having our weekends with SC, you’ve got it rough. Just wanted to say that I think you’re completely valid in how you feel and I would feel the same.

As for return to work, it’s been exactly same here. I would love to be in a financial position to work less or be a sahm. We’ve made some changes to our lifestyle and my car (it’s tiny) for me to go down to 4 days. I would severely scrutinise your budget and find wiggle room somewhere.

A thing I do during holidays, which may be helpful, is to schedule very little during the days without SC. Prioritising chill time with DH and DS. Then I plan majority of my social stuff, meeting up with friends and play dates etc when SC are here so the time is punctuated with a few hours ‘break’. We obviously do family days too, but it’s not always realistic to expect young and older kids to be interested in doing the same stuff anyways.

Gosh, what an insensitive comment.
As always, the needs of the children come first and every effort needs to be made to ensure the kid's happiness. Remember, OP's husband's older children are the siblings of OP's children and have had to endure parents break up and creation of a new family with OP. All children need to be treated the same, as it would be if OP had children from a previous relationship

You choose to have a family with a man who already had huge financial responsibilities - this is what that means!

That sort of attitude from either partner in a marriage should have the other partner running for the hills!

It would be totally unreasonable for any partner to make a demand like that. It's pretty plain anyway that the family need two full time incomes. If the family need these incomes to manage 4 children, essential bills, food, etc then that's the way it is.

Anyone saying 'well I'd just say I would only work part time, end of' needs to check their privilege because they clearly have no idea of the real world pressures on many families

Only thing I would add to this thread is that, while you may not see this now, having two older siblings will be an absolute blessing for your little ones.
so much to learn from older siblings or cousins, so much love they can have growing up, and eventually when the ages are right there can also be babysitting situations which allow you and DH to get more time as a couple.
you do need to foster that feeling of togetherness and all being a family unit though. Sorry it feels hard right now

Did his payments reduce after your DCs were born? They should have.

I would leave and have my own kids in my own house. I couldn't cope with this.

This is interesting. I didn't know this, but it seems remarkably unfair on the mum, who had no say in whether he went on to have more children.

DH cannot look after them during the week. Their mum has them Mon to Friday. is it so odd for you that a father looks for 2 days a week after his offspring?

I understand what you're feeling, but comparing it to the ex is a mistake. She/they only had 2 children to support so clearly that costs less and she could afford to work less. You chose to have kids with someone who already had kids, so as a family unit you/he have more to support.

Had she had 4 kids, she may well have had to go back to work sooner.

And I know they're not your kids, but their father is equally responsible for all 4 and that is something you were aware of and chose when you decided to marry, have more kids.

Anyone else wondering where the 4 th child came from?

@arethereanyleftatall Under CMS rules that is correct - it can reduce for each dependent child.

The original post says 'all four children' and OP also wrote her kids (plural) share a room 🤷‍♀️

Can you try and view it the same as if you’d married a lower earner? Unfortunately your DH can’t afford for you to work part time but that’s obviously not the fault of the step kids.

Missed that she said her kids shared. My bad reading skills, blame it on the brand. In that case , given the information about the sex of the older two shouldn’t she be aiming for a 5 bed! 🙂