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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding comment

499 replies

PregnantAtLast · 01/01/2025 07:42

I'm currently 2 months pregnant. Shared the good news with parents over Christmas, all lovely.

I told my mum I'd be breastfeeding when she asked. She said "Oh, will you be getting one of those shawls like your cousin had?"
(Basically to cover myself and the baby when I am feeding).

It made me feel really uncomfortable that she expects me to cover myself feeding my child in my own family home.

AIBU to push back on this and insist on feeding how I want to, or do I need to respect her wishes when I'm in her home?

OP posts:
Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 01/01/2025 07:45

Does she expect you to get one or has she seen your cousin, assumed it’s now the fashionable thing, and just asked if you’ll be getting one?

I suspect you’re over thinking, but if you’re not, you’re going to need to toughen up and have confidence in your decisions if you’re going to be a parent.

Original poster
PregnantAtLast · 01/01/2025 07:45

(I don't live with her, just to clarify, but it's my family home where my parents live and where I grew up)

OP posts:
Original poster
PregnantAtLast · 01/01/2025 07:47

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 01/01/2025 07:45

Does she expect you to get one or has she seen your cousin, assumed it’s now the fashionable thing, and just asked if you’ll be getting one?

I suspect you’re over thinking, but if you’re not, you’re going to need to toughen up and have confidence in your decisions if you’re going to be a parent.

I suspect she would quite strongly want me to. She is extremely squeamish about any kind of nudity - even feels uncomfortable on a beach with people in bathing suits.

I am perfectly capable of telling her how I feel in no uncertain terms (and have had to over the years, many times!) but I want to know people's opinions on whether they would respect parents' wishes on something like this when in their home.

OP posts:
MinnieBalloon · 01/01/2025 07:47

YANBU. Feed however you like wherever you like. If people have a problem with it then tough shit, perhaps they shouldn’t be looking 🤷‍♀️

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 01/01/2025 07:49

Feed your baby how you want. I never used a shawl or anything of the sort when breastfeeding all 3 of mine. Doesn't mean you are going to whip it out for all to see! Some people 🙄

Bustopnumberone · 01/01/2025 07:50

Nope. She can go into a different room when you’re feeding if she’s that uncomfortable. Once you’ve got the hang of it, it’s very easy to breastfeed ‘subtly’ and half the time no one knew I was even feeding.

GuineaPigWig · 01/01/2025 07:51

She doesn’t have a specific issue about breastfeeding then, just about (partial) nudity. So this isn’t a situation where you need to make a big statement in my view. I would use the shawl cover as there is no need to cause extra drama or bad feeling…

ThejoyofNC · 01/01/2025 07:51

Why do you feel like you have the right to make someone uncomfortable in their own home? If you know she wouldn't like it then I don't understand why you'd go out of your way to upset her.

Either don't visit her at all or visit her and respect her boundaries. If that means she always has to come to you then that's her problem.

solopanda · 01/01/2025 07:52

What a random thing to bring up when you're only 2 months pregnant!

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 01/01/2025 07:52

GuineaPigWig · 01/01/2025 07:51

She doesn’t have a specific issue about breastfeeding then, just about (partial) nudity. So this isn’t a situation where you need to make a big statement in my view. I would use the shawl cover as there is no need to cause extra drama or bad feeling…

Why? It's the mother's problem not the OP's.

SallyWD · 01/01/2025 07:53

If she's squeamish about this stuff then her comment should be of no surprise.
Everyone's different when it comes to breastfeeding.
I personally liked to cover up a little when I had guests (for example, my parents). I also covered up when breastfeeding at their house. This is simply because I'm a little shy/uncomfortable about exposing too much in front of them. It's probably a me issue, and others feel differently. I suppose if I knew my mum wasn't comfortable, that would make me uncomfortable and I'd cover up.

Munkypuppy · 01/01/2025 07:54

I think she was just asking to make conversation tbh

Original poster
PregnantAtLast · 01/01/2025 07:54

ThejoyofNC · 01/01/2025 07:51

Why do you feel like you have the right to make someone uncomfortable in their own home? If you know she wouldn't like it then I don't understand why you'd go out of your way to upset her.

Either don't visit her at all or visit her and respect her boundaries. If that means she always has to come to you then that's her problem.

When did I say I feel I 'have the right to make someone uncomfortable'?

Why do you think I'm asking on here what people would do?

I am thinking it through and wanting to get others' opinions.

A shawl is an extra hassle to faff about with and I'd rather not if I don't have to, so I am trying to weigh up in my mind whether it's a reasonable request or whether to push back.

OP posts:
Onlyvisiting · 01/01/2025 07:55

Going against the grain here- but I don't see how you can insist on doing things your way in her house. Either tell her no now re the shawl and just see what she says next, tell her no, but if it really bothers you I will feed in the bedroom (or somewhere) or just say no without offering an alternative and if her reaction is negative be prepared to not feed in her house.
And btw I fully support BF in whatever way you are comfortable and wherever it is convenient, including public spaces, but however unreasonable they are you cant just do what you like in someone else's home when they have asked you not to do something.

Original poster
PregnantAtLast · 01/01/2025 07:55

Munkypuppy · 01/01/2025 07:54

I think she was just asking to make conversation tbh

She wasn't. I know my mum - she was worrying about me sitting around with my breasts hanging out and how uncomfortable that would make her (and my dad) feel. She bottle fed all of us and is very uncomfortable with nudity.

OP posts:
Original poster
PregnantAtLast · 01/01/2025 07:57

solopanda · 01/01/2025 07:52

What a random thing to bring up when you're only 2 months pregnant!

Oh, she has brought up a million things that I don't need to know until much further along 😂 It's my first and she's giving me all the advice - most of which is actually fine, as she's had a lot of children so does know a lot. She's just excited to talk about everything. It was a bit of a bombardment of questions and advice for the whole Christmas period!

OP posts:
Onlyvisiting · 01/01/2025 07:57

Personally I'd just use a cover as the idea if flashing my tits in front my parents makes me uncomfortable, but that's a personal choice obviously. I feel like some kind of poncho would be the easiest, wouldn't keep slipping off?

RhaenysRocks · 01/01/2025 07:58

It was probably just a random question at this point and you are overthinking it. You have no idea how you'll get on with BF and may not end up doing it at all so I wouldn't fall out with her on this but assuming you do, I don't think it's really much to ask if it's going to make her really uncomfortable in her own home. She's not asking you to go upstairs or into a toilet to feed. A pretty scarf or wrap I always found had a number of uses when mine were tiny. Depending on your body shape you may be able to be beautifully discreet or not so much. Wait and see, but I do think you need to calm down a bit....you have a lot of this to come.

elfshenanigans · 01/01/2025 07:59

just ignore. When people in the family bothered me too much, I offered them a bed sheet to throw over their heads during dinner. Some people are stupid.

OliveLeader · 01/01/2025 07:59

It’s totally up to you (and, to an extent, your baby!) whether you cover up. I never did - I found it an extra faff when I was already struggling to get to grips with feeding and my baby hated to be covered. There’s honestly nothing to see when feeding a baby anyway and people never had any issue politely averting their eyes from the relevant area. Some women feel more comfortable covering and that’s absolutely fine, but it’s not a requirement and you certainly don’t need to prioritise anyone else’s comfort over yours and your baby’s.

Your mum might just have been mentioning the cover as something she had seen rather than something she thinks is necessary. If you feel she is pushy about it you can have a conversation where you make it clear it’s your decision entirely whether you use a cover and you don’t need to discuss it further.

Cornflakes123 · 01/01/2025 08:00

I breastfed but I always went into another room in my parents house when doing it because I didn’t feel comfortable whipping them out in front of my parents it would be just plain weird to me. But if you feel comfortable by all means do it … if it makes you happy instead of just throwing a scarf on.

thisfilmisboring123 · 01/01/2025 08:02

PregnantAtLast · 01/01/2025 07:55

She wasn't. I know my mum - she was worrying about me sitting around with my breasts hanging out and how uncomfortable that would make her (and my dad) feel. She bottle fed all of us and is very uncomfortable with nudity.

Show quote history

Given that you already know this about her, her request can hardly be a surprise, can it?

In her home, given that it’s not just a problem with breastfeeding she has and how uncomfortable it would make her, I’d just take a shawl.

However, when I breastfed as for most people I know, your tits are hardly just hanging out, baby’s head covers the majority and can barely see a thing.
When she sees this may not even be a problem.

ThejoyofNC · 01/01/2025 08:02

PregnantAtLast · 01/01/2025 07:54

When did I say I feel I 'have the right to make someone uncomfortable'?

Why do you think I'm asking on here what people would do?

I am thinking it through and wanting to get others' opinions.

A shawl is an extra hassle to faff about with and I'd rather not if I don't have to, so I am trying to weigh up in my mind whether it's a reasonable request or whether to push back.

Show quote history

You've completely contradicted yourself.

How can you "push back" on it? The reality is she would not be comfortable with you breastfeeding in her home and that's up to her. What you do about that is up to you, but trying to force it just isn't fair.

GuineaPigWig · 01/01/2025 08:02

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 01/01/2025 07:52

Why? It's the mother's problem not the OP's.

Show quote history

Sure, but why does OP have to trigger the problem and cause an issue rather than just think, ok my parents are really weird about nudity so I will respect that when visiting them in their own home. Could be a shawl, could be going into a different room, could be having a conversation with parents to say I’m breastfeeding now so they can make a choice.

Clearly they are not going to change, so why cause bad feeling

Awaywiththeferries123 · 01/01/2025 08:02

Honestly, I wouldn’t sweat it right now, you’re 8 weeks pregnant. When the time comes and you’re successfully breastfeeding then do whatever you like, but do bear in mind that it is her home. I too support breastfeeding anywhere and have done so myself.