Breastfeeding comment

[PregnantAtLast]

I'm currently 2 months pregnant. Shared the good news with parents over Christmas, all lovely.

I told my mum I'd be breastfeeding when she asked. She said "Oh, will you be getting one of those shawls like your cousin had?"
(Basically to cover myself and the baby when I am feeding).

It made me feel really uncomfortable that she expects me to cover myself feeding my child in my own family home.

AIBU to push back on this and insist on feeding how I want to, or do I need to respect her wishes when I'm in her home?

Shawls are an absolute faff, unnecessary and reinforces the misogynistic message that giving your baby lunch is an act to be hidden.

If my mum had rules to cover up in her home I wouldn’t be visiting. It’s controlling and borderline sadistic to impose a rule like that.

Regardless of whether you are squeamish about it or not, do you not think people have the right to be comfortable in their own home? Surely that is an absolute right? To suggest someone should go into another room IN THEIR OWN HOME is outrageous imo.
We have several things at play here - the MN assumptions that (a) all new mothers assume the role of Princess and must never be upset, ever, (b) babies are the most important thing to the detriment of everyone else and (c) aggressive breastfeeders who love a thread like this so they can be righteous about how marvellous they are and (d) any person over 50 has no idea about anything to do with babies and needs to be told the error of their ways.
I have no issue with bfeeding as long as it is not performative, so I would not be in this situation, but I would absolutely not allow anything that made me uncomfortable in my own home

I’m a bit gobsmacked at everyone saying respect her wishes. Since when should women respect sexist and misogynistic wishes? So what if she feels uncomfortable. She needs to grow up. would you go to great efforts to make a racist person feel comfortable by hiding a photo of a black person for example?

I don't subscribe to any of those assumptions really.

What I do subscribe to is that seeing someone breastfeeding and it making you uncomfortable is a ridiculous notion that deserves nothing but a shrug and a patronising "yes dear" while carrying on. It's too silly to respect.

I think at this stage, given that you're in the early stages of pregnancy, you could go with a vague "Oh, I haven't thought about it. Not all babies like them." and leave it at that.

The best precedent to set is not getting into discussion with her at all. It's your baby, and you'll do things in the way that works best for you. If she wants you and the baby to be comfortable at her house, then the best thing she can do is buy in a changing mat, a stock of nappies and changing stuff and a travel cot for naps and then make you feel as comfortable and at home as possible there!

You never know though, she may melt when she meets her grandchild and all of her rules will go out of the window!

Also if you hold the baby across your body nothing is on show. I found all of those shawls a massive faff.

In your opinion. Others are available

What a shame people think “it’s her HouSe” trumps the rights of a baby to feed easily and a daughter to feel comfortable herself. U less you hate your kids by would you put them through this in the name of “My House! It’s My House! Mine! Therefore My Rules!”

She was only asking a question

Of course you're well within your rights not to use one.

Yes, that's how opinions work.

These assumptions have all come from you. I don’t agree with any of them either. The idea of breastfeeding as ‘performative’ is also just weird.

It is biologically normal for women to breastfeed babies. It is weird to make that a thing. I don’t know a single breastfeeding mother who is flashing her boobs around. With the right clothing, breastfeeding is very discreet. If a grown adult (who isn’t the breastfeeding mother ) is embarrassed or weirded out by a normal biological function then they need to grow up.

If OP’s mum makes a thing of it when the baby arrives, then obviously OP will need to choose whether she wants to not go to her mum’s, cover up, or roll her eyes and tell her mum to grow up (which obviously may then cause a further argument about it). But these really weird and unhelpful attitudes to breastfeeding as something that should be done only in private, or that is shameful or embarrassing, or that it’s reasonable to ask a woman to wear additional awkward fabric (covering her baby, who might hate it) just because she’s feeding a baby are regressive, sexist and totally not conducive to improving breastfeeding rates in this country.

It's the OP's baby, but it's her mother's home.
How would all the pps who assume having a baby comes with the right to ride roughshod over everyone else feel if their mother came into their home and refused to take their shoes off, for example, in a shoes-off home?
In my example, the poster would be told 'your house, your rules' and the same applies with breastfeeding I am afraid.
Or is it that opinions of anyone who is not in the 20-40 age bracket utterly irrelevant?
The hypocrisy is hilarious on here sometimes

Because it’s more akin to ‘this is a clothes off home, take your clothes off’ than something normal like taking your shoes off.

It’s a bonkers attitude.

Shoes off has a definable hygiene benefit to the homeowner.

Asking someone to feel ashamed and cover themselves up when they are doing something entirely normal has no benefit to the homeowner other than to pander to their own hang-ups.

I'd ignore any comments like that OP. Breastfeeding is a natural thing and shouldn't have any shame attached to it.

The covers are a faff especially early days- I tried initially but found them awkward. Would your mum want to eat under a cover? Doubt it. She's welcome to not look, but honestly it's the back of a babies head!

When I bfing no one even knew most of the time. I was having coffee with a male friend when baby was a couple of weeks old and he didn't even know id been feeding until I was burping baby!

It's fine to not want to expose your own body (like swimsuits at the beach) but no one should be telling other people what to do.

You're missing the point completely. It's completely ridiculous to be uncomfortable over something so natural as the act of feeding your child, breast or otherwise. And women certainly not 'princesses' for breastfeeding ffs. If anyone had told me to wear a shawl they would have found it stuffed up their arse.

I have not said a bfeeding woman should hide away or bfeeding is embarrassing or something to be ashamed of.
I have said - and I will stand by this - that a person has an absolute right to not feel uncomfortable in their own home.
So yes, that does mean the feelings if the OP's mother trump hers if it comes to that.
The OP can feed her baby anywhere else in the house - why would she want to deliberately make her parents uncomfortable?

If it isn't because it's meant to be embarrassing or to be ashamed of then what is this mysterious feeling of uncomfortableness that has to be respected?

Why should anyone respect such nonsense?

This thread reminds me of this brilliant poem by Hollie McNish

By "fetishing" I meant turning it into this holy grail that absolutely trumps anything else. I mix fed, found BF painful and inconvenient but I did do it. All of these posts holding forth about how natural and normal it is may come back to haunt the OP if she finds she can't do it. Let's turn down the hyperbole and just try to reframe it. It isn't unusual for people to have different levels of modesty / comfort zones in this area...think about open changing rooms at gyms. Some will wait for a cubicle, some stride about in the buff (and usually get told on here they are exhibitionists). There's a compromise here. The ops mum isn't saying don't do it at all, or even to leave the room.

What the actual fuck is performative breastfeeding?

And what if the OP's mum was white and the baby was dual heritage with brown skin. Should she go along with her mum's wishes to cover the baby due to racism? Or would you (quite rightly) see this is ridiculous?

Or if her partner was a woman, and the mum made it clear her partner wasn't welcome and asked her to pretend she was married to a man when she visited, would you find this unacceptable?

It's not ok to treat others badly because of your ignorance and prejudice, even in your own home.

(I've chosen these examples as the same laws - the Equality Act - cover treatment of people due to their race, sexuality or breastfeeding.)

It isn't unusual for people to have different levels of modesty / comfort zones in this area...think about open changing rooms at gyms.

So? When it comes to a baby's nutritional needs, these people can get over themselves. It's very simple.

Not all babies/mothers will manage a cover. There should be zero pressure for them to use one.

I really wouldn't worry about this until the time comes.

You might find that a shawl simply isn't an option- if the baby finds it hard to latch, or shakes it off, for example. Or you might love the shawl regardless of whether your mum is around.

You can go to a separate room to feed but again you might just wonder why you're visiting your mum at all if you have to leave to feed (there will be days when baby is feeding every hour).

Also, despite what you're being told here, it's not always possible to be discreet in the early days if you have large breasts, a small baby and issues latching.

I'm in the thick of it breastfeeding a newborn at the moment and I think some of these responses are from people who don't remember what it is like. Your mum certainly has no clue having not done it herself.

And remember, if visiting your DM doesn't work out you can always tell her to come to yours and that when you need to feed she can go to another room, or put a shawl over her head so she can't see you ;)

It's a tricky one.
I breastfed all my children for at least 3 years each and certainly when they were babies I had no qualms about feeding them whenever and wherever they needed it. I didn't make a big thing of it, but nor did I use any kind of cover, I just got on with it.
However, in my parents' house I went upstairs. I knew they were uncomfortable with it, and whilst I disagreed with them it was their home and I was a guest, so I complied with their wishes, just as I would abide by other behavioural standards, dietary restrictions etc that other people choose to follow in their homes. It may be your childhood home, but once you've moved out I think you are a guest and should behave as such.
So as a general rule I wouldn't feel obliged to cover up in public, and certainly not in my own house, but as a guest in the home of someone who asked me to, I would. Either that or not visit. It shouldn't be necessary but it wasn't a hill to die on for me. My parents were old (born in the 1920s) and had some old fashioned views but I loved them and didn't want to fall out with them. I knew they wouldn't be amenable to discussion so it was better to feed my baby upstairs when I visited than to waste time and energy arguing about it. Maintaining the relationship mattered more to me more than my opinions on the subject and the minor inconvenience of feeding in a different room once in a while.