Breastfeeding comment

[PregnantAtLast]

I'm currently 2 months pregnant. Shared the good news with parents over Christmas, all lovely.

I told my mum I'd be breastfeeding when she asked. She said "Oh, will you be getting one of those shawls like your cousin had?"
(Basically to cover myself and the baby when I am feeding).

It made me feel really uncomfortable that she expects me to cover myself feeding my child in my own family home.

AIBU to push back on this and insist on feeding how I want to, or do I need to respect her wishes when I'm in her home?

YANBU. I thought everyone had to cover up. I had my baby and realised it was hard for me to see latch, awful for baby to be covered up and I realised I DIDNT HAVE TO. so I quickly started breastfeeding how I wanted to. My mum kept trying to drape things over me and I just pushed them off. I never had nipple out, my tops were covering the top and bottom of my breast. Baby’s head blocked view of the boob.

anyway it’s rubbish how people make you feel embarrassed about trying to feed baby. Please don’t feel like I did

Oh they look great and also my style - Thank you.

I don't have a problem with breastfeeding at all - breastfed all my 3 including a set of twins - that being said if I was well aware my parents were uncomfortable with it then I would respect their home and cover up and wouldn't have a problem with it at all

Yes this is the exact flip side that I am thinking about. I don't want her to be uncomfortable. I won't 'weaponise' it or fall out over it, I'm not that kind of person. I just want to get the balance between her discomfort and mine, because covering up is a) a faff and b) makes me feel like it's somehow shameful.

Boundaries are rules you set in respect of your own actions, not other people’s. You can’t have a boundary that requires another person to do something they aren’t voluntarily choosing to do.

A boundary in this case would be ‘if you feed without a cover in my home I will leave and go to another room’ or ‘if you feed your baby in front of me I will no longer invite you to my home’. It’s a person changing their own behaviour in response to an action.

Saying ‘you must do X in my home’ isn’t setting a boundary, it’s trying to control another person’s behaviour.

She wasn't. I know my mum - she was worrying about me sitting around with my breasts hanging out and how uncomfortable that would make her (and my dad) feel. She bottle fed all of us and is very uncomfortable with nudity.
^^
Personally I'd accept your parents requests in their own home. If you're not worried about BF in public
Then that's up to you but I think if you'd knowingly make someone feel uncomfortable in their own home then it's time to do something that works for all parties IMO.
Unused muslin squares to cover up, it usually wasn't to another room, it used to piss me off enormously when people would follow me, I hated being watched

You can bf very discreetly without a shawl. Loose top over a vest top, loose comes up best comes down, babies head covers the boob in the middle. The shawls can make you and baby very hot and babies tend to pull them off!

I breastfed my two and never once flashed my tits at my parents 😆

I fed both of mine in every public place imaginable but when we were at my PIL house I would retreat to the bedroom. They are weird about breastfeeding, it’s not an attitude I understand or agree with, but it would make it awkward for all of us otherwise.

I guess it depends how much time you plan to spend at your mum’s with the baby - I didn’t quibble about hiding away/covering when feeding on a couple of short visits, but if you’re going regularly then I’d expect your mum to get over her issues because breastfed babies can feed for HOURS per day.

My parents were probably a bit apprehensive about it too as my mum didn’t breastfeed, but in reality, like others have said, if you get breastfeeding tops and bras to make it easier it’s not like you’re undressing and hardly anything is visible because baby’s head is in the way. I think it’d be horrible for baby to be under a cover of some sort, especially in the hot summer, and it’d be another thing for you to faff with. If you feel comfortable without a shawl then you do you - I’m sure when your parents realise you aren’t just whacking a whole boob out and leaving it uncovered for all to see, they’ll be fine about it.

'Don't be ridiculous'

Then posts something way more ridiculous.

If people were really like this they would get no visitors at all!

Those breastfeeding covers look a bit daft and draw more attention than not using one.

Your Mum hasn't even said she expects anything but if she does, you can show her that you can feed a baby without waving your boobs about for all to see.

You can either buy a nursing top/dress with openings for the baby to access the boob or you can wear a normal top with a vest underneath and do "one up one down". Both of these methods are more discreet than any kind of cover. Most people won't even realise you are feeding.

I agree. I think it’s much more obvious when someone’s puts on one of those big over the neck shawl things on and feeds rather than just subtly does the one up one down with their top.

In case it’s helpful OP, I really recommend these:

https://www2.hm.com/en_gb/productpage.1039096020.html?pr_oyster=hnsqtsp6AA&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GB_ENG_GOO_SH_Ladies_BRA_Branded_SHOPV1_All_LOW_pi_GBG0609W301212&utm_term=&hier_id=go_cmp-12828082235_adg-121943361336_ad-517954073642_pla-319520409259_dev-m_ext-_prd-en-1039096020004_sig-Cj0KCQiA7NO7BhDsARIsADg_hIae1e8BVc4xD3kGcpixq51moIvLJwkP4wdyOU8T-yWFT5crHknCjHcaAmq7EALw_wcB&utm_source=Google&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADvrmzRxNEKpGlLVNcptKBzZzmYnW&gclid=Cj0KCQiA7NO7BhDsARIsADg_hIae1e8BVc4xD3kGcpixq51moIvLJwkP4wdyOU8T-yWFT5crHknCjHcaAmq7EALw_wcB

you can wear them under another top, they unhook at the strap just like a nursing bra. You can lift your jumper up, unhook the vest strap and nursing bra, and very discreetly access your boob with the rest of your body still covered. The mechanism for unhooking the strap is really simple. I wore them under loose button down shirts in summer and under jumpers in winter.

I always found nursing tops tricky because they didn’t work with the size of my boobs but fed my baby for 16 months using this method and managed it without any awkwardness about public nudity 😂

I breastfed both my babies for 2 years, i support breastfeeding wherever a baby needs fed - however if it makes her feel uncomfortable in her home, I’d happily use a muslin or something to cover up. My in-laws would never have said as much but I knew it would make them feel awkward so if I was at their house I either covered up or took baby into the bedroom to feed and it was never an issue.

I think it’s probably one of those scenarios where you’ll need to see what happens when the baby arrives. You may prefer a cover (I never did) or you may naturally choose to feed the baby in a different room at your mums. You can set your own boundary that you’ll be feeding your baby however you wish in your own home and she’ll have to get used to it or do whatever she needs to to feel comfortable (leave the room, for example) - in her house I would probably ask if there was somewhere they’d prefer you to go, like a spare room. Like other posters I’ve fed my babies anywhere and everywhere and the only person I’ve flashed was the postman at the window who peered in to see why I hadn’t opened the door when he knocked with a parcel!

Well, if it's in her home surely you can just drape a muslin or silk scarf over?

I remember being at Gatwick once sitting next to two ladies who were probably in their 70s. There was a woman facing us but a few chairs away who was feeding in one of those big cover things. Ladies next to me were staring. Woman's husband was glaring back at them, I assume he thought they were staring because they disapproved of public breastfeeding but I could hear their conversation and they were actually aghast that anyone was bothering with the big cover thing and that it was a shame she didn't feel she could just get on with it.

If she hadn't had the big cover thing nobody would have noticed what she was doing from that distance. It totally draws more attention.

But it wasn’t a request, it was a question. A request would be ‘please make sure you get a shawl to cover up when you breastfeeding in my presence’.
What would you need to ‘push back’ on? You’re creating drama where none exists.

Just getting a latch and BFing successfully every feed was the only thing on my mind. I couldn’t have cared less who was looking (I didn’t deliberately stand in a public setting to feed but sometimes being out didn’t mean I always found a private place to BF).

I feel a shawl or a blanket to cover would have caused more problems because I wouldn’t be able to visually see if the latch was right. And the hold sometimes needed adjustment so a cover would have been skewed and the only focus is to get milk as soon as possible into hungry bubba’s mouth!

If your mum prefers a cover in her home, maybe consider BFing in a room by yourself at her place when it’s time for a feed.

I would have felt like a right twat doing that. Fine if people really want to but there should be no expectation. I would have being so much self-conscious in doing that and buying into the idea I was doing something shameful.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous!!

Many people’s responses are very odd and I can only assume all the people thinking that you should cover up didn’t breastfeed. The number 1 rule of breastfeeding is that the nursing mum has to be comfortable. if don’t want to cover up, don’t. If anyone has an issue with that, it’s their issue. I wore nursing tops so was fairly discreet. Lots of babies don’t like the covers and won’t feed under them anyway. You’re going to need to be resilient and tenacious (and bloodyminded) to successfully breastfeed if you don’t have people around you supporting you to breastfeed. Stay strong 💪

It's her mother's house. Surely one is respectful?

“Oh, will you be getting one of those shawls like your cousin had?"

”No Mum, don’t worry - I’ll be feeding my baby in the toilet”