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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding comment

499 replies

PregnantAtLast · 01/01/2025 07:42

I'm currently 2 months pregnant. Shared the good news with parents over Christmas, all lovely.

I told my mum I'd be breastfeeding when she asked. She said "Oh, will you be getting one of those shawls like your cousin had?"
(Basically to cover myself and the baby when I am feeding).

It made me feel really uncomfortable that she expects me to cover myself feeding my child in my own family home.

AIBU to push back on this and insist on feeding how I want to, or do I need to respect her wishes when I'm in her home?

OP posts:
solopanda · 01/01/2025 08:34

CrispyCrumpets · 01/01/2025 08:22

Those breastfeeding covers look a bit daft and draw more attention than not using one.

Your Mum hasn't even said she expects anything but if she does, you can show her that you can feed a baby without waving your boobs about for all to see.

You can either buy a nursing top/dress with openings for the baby to access the boob or you can wear a normal top with a vest underneath and do "one up one down". Both of these methods are more discreet than any kind of cover. Most people won't even realise you are feeding.

Yeah maybe she things the shawls are daft?

DappledThings · 01/01/2025 08:35

Sharptonguedwoman · 01/01/2025 08:32

It's her mother's house. Surely one is respectful?

Show quote history

One doesn't have to be respectful of every hang-up people have.

This is a woman who isn't comfortable with swimming costumes on the beach apparently.

dragonfliesandbees · 01/01/2025 08:37

It makes me so sad we are still having these conversations. OP you are not unreasonable for wanting to feed your baby without faffing about with shawls or feeling compelled to leave the room. People talking about nudity need to get a grip. I did once forget to put my boob away before answering the door to the postman... but apart from that I never fed naked in public or flashed anyone! And I fed anywhere I happened to be when my baby needed feeding.

Breastfeeding rates are shockingly low in the UK and attitudes like this are part of the reason why. We need to normalise breastfeeding if this is ever going to change.

If it was me I would just get on with it. The needs of your baby come first and I honestly can't believe people are getting worked up about the fact that your own mother might catch a glimpse of boob.

WonderingAboutThus · 01/01/2025 08:39

I would definitely cover up in the house of any older generation that were uncomfortable with it. I definitely would not for any younger generation.
(3 kids)

tillylula · 01/01/2025 08:39

I've never used a cover but i would just wear 2 tops to cover as much as I can at their house. If in my house would feed however I want. Don't let your mums opinions put you off breastfeeding. She obviously doesn't mind some nudity if she's "had lots of kids"

Doitrightnow · 01/01/2025 08:40

My step dad wasn't comfortable seeing breastfeeding so either he or I would leave the room when it was necessary. It wasn't a big deal. I only used a shawl once, during a church service.

SnoopysHoose · 01/01/2025 08:48

I'm laughing at is very uptight about nudity but has had lots of babies 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣

MimiSunshine · 01/01/2025 08:48

Once breastfeeding is established. It is quite easy to not be ‘naked’ when feeding.
as you’re due in the summer, you’ll likely be wearing vest tops or similar that you can
pull down which does then result in a lot of skin on show.
but simply draping a muslin cloth over your shoulder (not babies face) solves that one and is also handily in place for burping / sick wiping etc.

however in the early days, breastfeeding does mean getting your whole boob out and perfecting the latch but that’s what the fourth trimester is all about and worth reading up on so you can manage everyone including your own expectations

Bustopnumberone · 01/01/2025 08:49

Doitrightnow · 01/01/2025 08:40

My step dad wasn't comfortable seeing breastfeeding so either he or I would leave the room when it was necessary. It wasn't a big deal. I only used a shawl once, during a church service.

Why can’t these people who feel so uncomfortable with a woman feeding their baby just not look at their boobs if it makes them feel that squeamish?! It’s really not that noticeable in most cases and you can’t even see any boob if you do it with one top up and one down.

CurbsideProphet · 01/01/2025 08:53

Such a strange focus for your mum to have at this stage of pregnancy....
"It's ok I won't visit, you can come to me" would be my answer to any queries about breastfeeding.

Everlygreen · 01/01/2025 08:54

ThejoyofNC · 01/01/2025 07:51

Why do you feel like you have the right to make someone uncomfortable in their own home? If you know she wouldn't like it then I don't understand why you'd go out of your way to upset her.

Either don't visit her at all or visit her and respect her boundaries. If that means she always has to come to you then that's her problem.

I agree with this. Do what you want in your own home but respect someone else's home. That's what she feels so either don't visit her or just use the shawl.

OliveLeader · 01/01/2025 08:55

Bustopnumberone · 01/01/2025 08:49

Why can’t these people who feel so uncomfortable with a woman feeding their baby just not look at their boobs if it makes them feel that squeamish?! It’s really not that noticeable in most cases and you can’t even see any boob if you do it with one top up and one down.

Edited
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I know. It’s just so unnecessary for it to be this big a deal. My FIL (though lovely) is a very socially awkward man and even he never made a big deal of anything. He would just politely make sure he wasn’t looking in my direction while I got my baby latched, and he’s not in the habit of staring at breasts anyway! You have to actually be looking at a woman’s boobs to see anything when a baby is breastfeeding and it should be normal to not do that.

Waggytail · 01/01/2025 08:56

My son's paternal great grandmother bought me one of those shawls unprompted. I just bunged it straight to the charity shop and continued as I was. Honestly once baby is born you'll be feeding so often they'll just get used to it. And no, no one is 'waving their boobs about' when they're feeding their child. I find the whole thing is naturally very discreet unless you are outright staring and trying to see something.

Everlygreen · 01/01/2025 08:59

Actually come to think of it I see mostly people are using these shawls and wraps everywhere, so most people are aware of respecting others.

Bustopnumberone · 01/01/2025 09:01

Everlygreen · 01/01/2025 08:59

Actually come to think of it I see mostly people are using these shawls and wraps everywhere, so most people are aware of respecting others.

Why don’t those who are weird about it, instead of expecting the mother to cover up whilst feeding, respect the feeding mother by not looking at her breasts?

DappledThings · 01/01/2025 09:01

Everlygreen · 01/01/2025 08:59

Actually come to think of it I see mostly people are using these shawls and wraps everywhere, so most people are aware of respecting others.

It isn't respecting others to pander to their hang-ups.

And you have no idea how many women breastfeeding without a shawl you've also seen but not noticed. Because those covers draw more attention than just cracking on with it.

Bringmethesleep · 01/01/2025 09:03

Everlygreen · 01/01/2025 08:59

Actually come to think of it I see mostly people are using these shawls and wraps everywhere, so most people are aware of respecting others.

Respecting others?? What on earth are you on about. It's feeding a baby!! What an utterly ridiculous thing to say

Doitrightnow · 01/01/2025 09:06

Bustopnumberone · 01/01/2025 08:49

Why can’t these people who feel so uncomfortable with a woman feeding their baby just not look at their boobs if it makes them feel that squeamish?! It’s really not that noticeable in most cases and you can’t even see any boob if you do it with one top up and one down.

Edited
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He didn't dramatically flounce out of the room or anything. He'd just quietly go off and do the washing up or something. I don't care if that's what he's happy with.

Nomnomnew · 01/01/2025 09:14

Everlygreen · 01/01/2025 08:59

Actually come to think of it I see mostly people are using these shawls and wraps everywhere, so most people are aware of respecting others.

I’m not sure it’s about respecting others, I think it’s about the culture or shame our society has around breastfeeding. Women shouldn’t be shamed for breastfeeding. Our society is hopeless with it and looking at a large number of the responses on this thread, it’s not hard to see why.

TheKeatingFive · 01/01/2025 09:17

The two tops method is way more 'discreet' than those whacking great covers.

OliveLeader · 01/01/2025 09:20

Everlygreen · 01/01/2025 08:59

Actually come to think of it I see mostly people are using these shawls and wraps everywhere, so most people are aware of respecting others.

There is nothing remotely disrespectful about breastfeeding a baby, with or without a cover.

MammaTo · 01/01/2025 09:26

I think it sounds like a passing comment and because you know your mums a bit prudish to nudity you’ve interpreted it a certain way.

TheKeatingFive · 01/01/2025 09:28

Everlygreen · 01/01/2025 08:59

Actually come to think of it I see mostly people are using these shawls and wraps everywhere, so most people are aware of respecting others.

This is an awful comment. My baby wouldn't tolerate a cover. His needs were much more important than anyone else's need not to see a baby feeding. 🙄

HBGKC · 01/01/2025 09:34

I am a firm advocate of breastfeeding, but you said 'I know her and it was definitely a subtle way of saying "please cover up when you are here".'

I think that's a fair request for when you're in their home.

Having said that, the first few weeks & months of breastfeeding can be a challenge, when you definitely won't need the extra faff of a cover to deal with when you're trying to get baby positioned well, latched on right etc... so nearer the time I might say something to her along the lines of 'I respect that you don't want to see any naked boobs, mum, but that will mean I won't be able to visit with baby till I've got breastfeeding well-established' (unless you're happy to feed in a private space in their home - that might be an ok compromise..?)

The proper breastfeeding covers are much easier than a shawl/muslin, btw, if you decide to get something along those lines: you've got good sight of baby, and don't need to keep re-positioning it/hoiking it back up when it slips down. You could choose one you really love and ask your mum to get it for you as a present!

flameofgerontius · 01/01/2025 09:37

Just ignore it. My family could not have been less supportive of breast feeding, but they had to go cold turkey because I'm a very determined person. My babies BF a LOT, and I never left the room or covered up. The family got used to it fast.