Breastfeeding comment

[PregnantAtLast]

I'm currently 2 months pregnant. Shared the good news with parents over Christmas, all lovely.

I told my mum I'd be breastfeeding when she asked. She said "Oh, will you be getting one of those shawls like your cousin had?"
(Basically to cover myself and the baby when I am feeding).

It made me feel really uncomfortable that she expects me to cover myself feeding my child in my own family home.

AIBU to push back on this and insist on feeding how I want to, or do I need to respect her wishes when I'm in her home?

@OliveLeader I really disagree that she doesn't have to prioritise anyone else's comfort in their own home. How much you expose depends on your breast shape, how the baby best latches on, how dextrous you are. One friend of mine popped hers under fairly tightly shirts and you could see a thing, barely knew it was happening, another fully exposed large boob and quite awkward. Having a baby is not a trump card over ALL else, especially when in someone's own space.

Try not to stress about it now. You have no idea what your baby are feeding experience will be like. Baby might only like a certain position or dislike their head covered. You might feel self conscious or you might feel fine with feeding wherever. It's up to you and what works for you and your baby.

I find it sad when breastfeeding rates in this country are so low anyway that women have this extra thing to worry about. It's completely natural and the babies head is over your boob anyway. Alap it's your mother not a stranger!

I never covered up. I found it a massive faff managing a piece of fabric as well and didn't like it. I also refused to leave the room. Why should I miss out on adult conversation?!

I'd just breezily say 'no idea mum, I haven't tried it yet'.

Maybe she's planning to buy you a shawl and is sounding you out. Shawls are useful, there are plenty of creepy men around who love to stare so they come in handy when in public.

Kindly though, as soon as you are known to be pregnant, the unasked for advice will come thick & fast. You need to develop a thick skin and a polite non-committal response or you'll spend years worrying about what other people think. This is your baby. You and your gp know best.

Congratulations & good luck.

No one should be telling a breastfeeding mother to cover up.

Breastfeeding is protected by the equality act. Telling a mother to stop BFing, or to cover up is as unacceptable as racism or homophobia in the eyes of the law.

maternityaction.org.uk/advice/breastfeeding-in-public-places/

The equality act only applies to business and services, not a person's own home, but just to give an idea of how unacceptable what the OP's mother is asking is.

OP, stand your ground, you're right about this.

Sorry but feeding your baby how you wish to is far more important than making someone feel uncomfortable in their own home. It's not the Victorian ages!
Do cover those table legs mother......

It wasn't a random question - she was trying to ask subtly because she probably thought I'd react strongly if she asked me outright (I usually have no qualms in telling her how I feel 😅)

I know her and it was definitely a subtle way of saying "please cover up when you are here".

I'm not completely averse to it and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
But covering myself would feel weird to me, like it's something to be ashamed of, when (in my view) it's the most natural thing in the world.

This.

I think she was probably just making conversation, maybe she just liked the shawl your cousin used. You’re only two months pregnant, I would honestly just ignore her comment. Obviously if she makes a comment asking you to cover up once baby is actually here and you are breastfeeding then that’s very different, but all very hypothetical at the moment and now something worth causing a row over.

Some kind of poncho 😂 I take it you have never BF?...

OP you can get large muslins that are great if you want to be a bit more discreet when the baby is very small and where it takes a few attempts to get them latched on. Once you have established feeding then you'd be surprised how easy it is to be discreet without any additional covers etc - just a vest top under and loose fitting top over so you don't need to whip off your entire top layer 😅

It really isn't the "whole boob out" thing that your mum may be worried about

Some women have big boob's (I do) and therefore breastfeeding discreetly is much harder. Some babies don't like being under a tight shirt!

@Allswellthatendswelll yes that's exactly what I said (albeit with a couple of typos). There are some pretty militant responses on here and I think there is actually a difference if you are in someone else's own home to being out in a cafe or whatever.

Nope. No way. Breastfeeding can be precarious for some - I didn’t accept anything that sought to undermine it in anyway, and suggesting that there’s something ‘rude’ about it undermines it.

I’d be clear I wouldn’t visit if I needed to do that. They’d be welcome to visit me, in my home, where we don’t have silly rules that are designed to make women feel less comfortable breastfeeding.

I had to be firm with my mother as she had very negative beliefs about breastfeeding. I had to protect myself and my baby from her foolish misconceptions.

The people who think you should cover up to avoid ‘bad feeling’ might want to ask themselves why they think it’s fine for your mum to put her
‘bad feeling’ above this, with zero justification.

You don't need to worry about this yet because your baby isn't here yet.

I was always fairly relaxed about breastfeeding in public and in my own home but with my first baby I generally went into another room to breastfeed at my in laws' house because I thought my FIL would feel awkward about me getting a boob out in the living room, and because my SIL had done the same thing. By the time my second child arrived I didn't bother going into a different room unless I was also going to put her down for a nap.

I probably used the big muslins a bit for breastfeeding when they were tiny, but as they got bigger neither of them would have tolerated having fabric round their faces during a feed.

I would recommend getting a few proper breastfeeding tops with panels in them so you can breastfeed without really showing any skin. I have a couple of mariner style ones from JoJo and I've basically lived in them for the last few years. Excellent cost per wear.

My two DC were EBF for 14 months each. I never used whatever this shawl thing is.

I can’t recall a situation where I had to feed baby at my mother’s house. If I did I would probably have preferred to pop upstairs to a bedroom just for the peace and quiet!!

Seriously, how often is this going to be an issue? Definitely don’t fall out over it. Just take it in your stride when the time comes.

Ultimately, it’s her house, her roolz, but surely you can do better than that?

If it comes up again just say no and leave at that. I bf two babies and don’t think anyone saw anything when I was feeding. I used the “one up one down” so pulled first top up or wore bf friendly tops and pulled the other vest down. This also helps with staying warm! I used a muslin if I needed to cover temporarily while baby unlatched and I sorted things out. However I did take babies upstairs to feed at in laws, as with lots of people and dogs barking, tv on etc they never settled properly and were easily distracted/startled.

Don't be ridiculous.

OPs mum could have a rule saying people can only come into her house wearing purple for all she likes. Her house, her rules.

Agree and when I was doing it I had to use nipple shields all the time because my nipples were so sore (which luckily didn’t affect my supply at all). This meant there was no way of subtly latching the baby on. I completely support breastfeeding and think women should be able to do it wherever they want and in public spaces but in someone else’s home I would take someone else’s feelings about nudity into account before exposing my breasts. That’s just me though.

https://www.jojomamanbebe.co.uk/style/st576241/c39531#c39531

Here.

Get one of these in every colour.

They are also maternity tops so you might as well buy them now so you can wear them as your bump starts to grow.

I would agree with this.
It's her home so respects her wishes.
We all love to talk about boundaries on MN, these are hers.
And all the posters telling you to ignore her and she can fuck off to another room are breathtakingly rude and entitled.
Having a baby dioes not entitle you to treat others like shit, regardless of what MN posters may tell you.
Don't weaponise bfeeding before your baby's even born.

If someone felt uncomfortable, i’d have covered up. When I stayed with my parents I asked my dad if he felt uncomfortable with me bf and if so i’d happily go upstairs. He said he was fine with it. I never had a cover, but I did like to be discreet. Some people can be a bit funny about it, and I was respectful of that.

I breastfed in front on my parents and in-laws and anyone else who happened to be in any public place where my babies were hungry.

I used no shawl or cover and yet at no point did I whip anything out or find myself in an state of anything approaching nudity.

OP just do whatever you're comfortable with. I wouldn't use a shawl, I think they look like a faff and draw more attention to what you're doing. And I'd pat no heed to anyone who thought I should leave the room.

I have absolutely huge breasts and, after the initial couple of weeks while I was figuring things out at home, was able to feed my baby perfectly discreetly. It takes some practice but it’s perfectly possible.

I have also never in my entire life seen a breastfeeding woman in public where I felt there was anything remotely close to exposure. If you were really staring you might see a brief flash of nipple while she was preparing for latch, but under those circumstances the person staring is clearly the issue! By obeying the basic rule of human decency and looking at a woman’s face instead of her breasts, any awkwardness can be avoided.

I also think that a hungry baby does actually trump most other considerations. Some babies are fine with covers, others hate them and will be distracted by trying to pull them off. A hungry baby being fed is more important than an adult experiencing mild awkwardness which they would very soon learn to get over.

If OP’s mother has such a significant issue with this that she can’t move past it then OP can decide what to do. I would personally have chosen not to visit the house of someone who made me feel uncomfortable about feeding my own baby. OP may feel the same or she may choose to compromise depending on what works for her.

I did not really think about or discuss this prior, but when baby came along and people were at ours I found that what I wore negated the need for any kind of proper cover up. I didn't want the faff of buying/taking/using one either. I was wearing a lot of loose tops with another strappy vest top underneath and a feeding bra, so typically nothing was really visible except when latching and unlatching. My dad and my FIL would discreetly find things to do like put the kettle on or talk intently to someone else to avoid looking in my direction, not because they had any issue with BF but because they did not want to see anything they would not normally see. I took this to be respectful and at no point did I feel like I needed to cover up more when in their home either. If they had made a specific request I would have perhaps had a conversation about feeding my baby however I liked, but it never came up. In this situation I would probably wait and see what the reaction is when you actually feed as they may see that nothing is actually that visible and a cover just draws more attention. Start by observing this in your own home at first and then see what feels comfortable in theirs. When mine got bigger I would take them into another room simply because they would be too distracted otherwise and would pop on and off and expose me a lot more.

I had to use nipple shields so couldn’t do it subtly at all.

If you know she wouldn't like it then I don't understand why you'd go out of your way to upset her.

Breastfeeding a baby isn't "going out of your way to upset someone". It's literally one of the most natural things in the world. If the grandma doesn't like it then she can just not look, it's not hard not to look at a small area of a room for a few minutes. The OP isn't going to chase her round the house with her tits out shouting, "Here come the boobies!!!"