Should I of gotten in the car?

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I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

You knew he wasn’t going to move and it wasn’t your place to ask him to. You should have got in the back or decided beforehand to drive yourself rather than making all that fuss.

Isn't the meaning clear enough for you? Is that all you have to contribute?

In answer to the OP - no, I wouldn't sit in the back if it's uncomfortable for you. I'd drive myself in future.

I would have just arranged to drive myself rather than get involved in a difficult parenting situation with a child with additional needs. I wouldn't make a big deal of it, but just say that you'll sort out your own transport when you meet up.

You absolutely were not unreasonable not to have got in the car, and I wouldn’t even do anything with that bratty rude ten year old, let alone within the same vehicle. She should be apologising for not ensuring he was in the back as agreed and didn’t kick the seat! Especially since you just said also you were helping with the kids and paying for things!

She is bonkers. I can't believe she can't quickly move her child to the back seat. Although I don't know how she would stop him kicking you all the way to your destination. What was her explanation for not letting you know where the football match was when you were driving around?

Child with suspected ADHD, do you mean?

I’d sit in the back if a child with additional needs needed to be in the front, yes.

As an adult I wouldn’t make it a big deal / power struggle. I would agree in advance to drive and meet them there (I would also find out the address in advance)

You are putting your friend in a difficult position when her life is probably already difficult enough. Go in the back or agree in advance that you will drive yourself, hopefully this eases any issues and your friendship continues.

Good luck yo her in a dew years when she's failed to instill boundaries.

Honestly what joy do you get from these people?

I think you handled it really well. For a parent to let her child dictate where he sits in the car is ridiculous. If I were his parent, I would be insisting that he only sits in the back if this is how he will be. I think it’s nice that you’re willing to still meet her with this child present, to be honest.

Why doesn’t she parent and get her child to sit in the back? Why is he running the show?
Did she even reply to the texts with the address?!

I had a bad back (which eventually required surgery) and the angle of the seat made a massive difference. Front seats can be adjusted, back seats can’t so yes, the back seat hurt me a lot more than the front seat. There was nearly a year where it was impossible for me to travel in the back seat unless I broke the law and lay across the seat with a pillow to prop me up against a side door (so no seatbelt).

The OP is being perfectly reasonable here in my view.

Just to clarify, we’ve been friends for 4 years, it’s only the last 6 months or so her sons been allowed to sit in the front.

She drives a 3 door hatch car so you have to pull the front seat forward and climb into the back, the front seats are bucket seats and the back is like a bench seat, hence not very comfortable. Plus I hate climbing in, it’s pretty awkward.

He has not been tested for ADHD but schools suspecting this and she’s been referred to a paediatrician.

When they travel as a family he sits in the back, his dad wouldn’t fit.

She messaged me when she got home, nothing was mentioned about why she didn’t text back. I would of missed one game if she responded when she got there.

and I don’t feel like I made a fuss? I was invited to go to his game, they pulled up, I opened the door and he kicked off. Regardless he would have had to get out for me to get in as there are no back doors in the car and I was not going to go in via the boot.

and @XWKD i genuinely have no idea what your needing help with to understand?

DS knows if there's another grown up in the car he sits in the back. He's tried his luck a few times but we'll sit and refuse to go anywhere if he pushes it too far. Even easier to do if it's his activity we'd be late for.

Don't think it's unreasonable to not want to sit in the back, you can't really talk to the driver properly like that anyways.

And I thought I took a hardline approach, but you went with “It doesn’t means anything”? Nothing at all? You can’t possibly discern what might be meant by the collection of words in this context?

An Internet forum probably isn’t the place for you, then. Even the same language is used differently in different areas, and it changes over time. If really you don’t know such common uses as “of gotten” and you can’t gain meaning from context you’re going to struggle.

Just drive separately. You can’t or won’t sit in the back for your reasons. He either can’t or won’t for his reasons. It’s not your battle to have with her child or your judgement to make on what she should or should not make him do.

Or just move the five year old’s car seat over into your car if you really all want to travel together and then she can work it out with the ten year old who sits where.

How else can I word it? Should I of hopped into the car? Clambered? Accepted a lift?

In hindsight I would have driven myself, but we live county so things are long distances, 45 mins to a football game, 40 mins to local school, 20 mins to the shops, 2 hours to bigger shops… so car pooling when going to the same place together does typically make sense.

I have 13yr old with adhd/ASD it is NOT easy to make them move when they don’t want to. They have fixed ideas and sometimes ocd reasons for being inflexible. They become disregulated and act out when their logic (to them) is challenged. Sometimes we do challenge but we have to pick our battles otherwise almost every conversation would result in arguing/criticism, reasoning skills are largely absent. Trying hard to “train them” in NT expectations to help them learn expected behaviours for adult life. Tiring and hurtful most days.
I would just not accept anymore lifts if you cannot travel in the backseats.

Such a shame that you clearly struggle to comprehend the meaning there. Everyone else here seems to have managed it perfectly well. Perhaps as another poster has suggested, the internet isn’t the place for you.
toodle pip.

I would probably text back something along the lines of - I’m not into tolerating pain or a crappy ride anymore. Maybe it’s my age, but sitting in the back of your car is really not working for me. I’m not trying to make things harder on you, is there a reason why me driving myself somewhere doesn’t work for you?