Should I of gotten in the car?

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I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

Yes, but this isn't about your son. Not all adhders have the same traits. Just as not all mumsnetters are kind and thoughtful.

This child is not yet clinically diagnosed.

Your son might be horrified by some of the latest work showing that in prison, up to 65% of inmates show undiagnosed adhd. That on one tiny study of a dozen or so such inmates, once diagnosed and given appropriate treatment, only 1 of them reoffended.. as opposed to the usual number which would be about 9/10 out of 12.

I'll hunt out the original papers if helpful.

ADHDers are far more likely to have an addiction, end up in prison, die early.

It maybe that your son is actually more audhd, which changes things a bit. Or he may not have all the potential traits. Or he may have been trained/masked thoroughly enough that he now manages to deal with impulsivity in a way that others cannot.

But you wrap up warm, and enjoy your spot up there on the moral high ground.

As you can see on this thread, there are plenty of people who would leave her in the dust.

I’m one of them - because I don’t accept poor treatment and disrespect in my friendships. For her to not text Op the address is one thing. That could’ve been an innocent oversight because maybe she was driving and didn’t see the text or she forgot - especially if her son was still shouting on the way to the sports game.

However to follow up hours later scolding OP for not accepting the pain and discomfort of the backseat journey, instead of giving an apology for not ensuring the kid was in the backseat as agreed and for failing to text her the address was definitely a deliberate choice.

She was completely disrespectful and inconsiderate to do that particularly after Op had bothered to get herself up and ready by 7.30am for nothing.

She is taking OP for a mug and she probably wants to “move past this” so she can ensure she still has her babysitter. If anything she should’ve apologised for her rudeness and made clear it’s fine for Op to drive in her own car in future - especially in light of all Op does for her and her kids.

This seems like a one-sided friendship.
So yeah there’s good reason why some people would’ve left her for dust. I always say the best test to any relationship is to start utilising the word NO for a spell. See how people behave towards you when you don’t dance to their tune anymore.

I agree with this, and my son has ADHD (diagnosed, not suspected).

There are of course things that individual people with ADHD cannot tolerate at all. And we need to be understanding when this is the case.

However, clearly this child can tolerate sitting in the back, because he does so when his Dad is in the car. So the ADHD is a bit of a red herring. He would need to have the fact he’s in the back set out in advance (as the OP did) and the reasons why explained - not just told “because I said so” as that won’t work - but that seems to have all happened in this case.

How does any of that justify a 10 year old learning that screaming, shouting, behaving badly means he gets his own way?

Your friend's car with bucket front seats and bench back seat sounds like a coupe / Mini type. Not suitable for family's needs.

Why do you pay for meals for them?

I’m more shocked that she’s allowing a 10yr old to sit in the front seat for safety reasons! My almost 10yr old is still in a car seat as per the regulations and as per common sense! Not least the head protection!

Anyway, yep she has a discipline problem. My aforementioned DD wouldn’t DREAM of refusing to do as I say and she has Autism herself.

Not illegal in UK or in Australia to have a ten year old in the front seat. In the U.K. a child can be there at any age as long as in an appropriate restraint or seat as dictated by their age and height (with airbag off in some circumstances). It’s not the safest place they could be but it isn’t illegal - I’ve put a kid in the front plenty of times if that’s been necessary to fit them in.

Oh look an attention seeker 👆🙄

YAbu she is better off without a ' friend' who fails to understand her child child has additional needs and how these are factoring into his behaviour. Its not simply him being ' bratty' like some pp are saying. Such a tone deaf response from pl and you to Sen kids needs and behaviour challenges for parents. Honestly OP open your eyes to what it's probably like for her and asking her to fight a losing battle for an adult that can fully process sitting in the back is doable.

ADHD doesn't mean you don't parent. If that was my son I wouldn't let him use ADHD as an excuse to behave like this, I'd drive back home and he can go to football once he's learnt not to behave like that.

ADHD isn't a free ticket for shit parenting.

I really can't see what the fuss is about. YABU.

I sat in the back seat of my car last week as DH was driving and my elderly mum was in the front passenger seat. And it was quite uncomfortable! I feel sorry for 6’1 DS17 now (but not sorry enough to give him the front seat!)

I think she’s taking the path of least resistance with her DS and that’s her choice but if it’s causing you pain it’s reasonable to make other arrangements.

'Have', not 'of' - but we get the meaning. I think it's a local dialect thing

A child with SEND can still be a brat. The two are not mutually exclusive.

He's not learning anything. He's reacting.

He acting out. I said in a previous post that the mother could be taking the piss, but maybe in this particular instant she just did what she needed to do to get the child to football? Maybe next time she should say "sorry OP, clearly child doesn't actually want to go to football" and go back home.

The mum might be handling it terribly, but the WHY of the child acting out is not because he's a brat, or spoilt, and unless he's having antisocial behaviour modelled by others, or actually has (rare) antisocial tendencies himself, it would make sense to assume the most common reason. A young adhd child trying to exert some kind of control in a world where he has none.

The OP is also an adult, if she can't cope with the behaviour, then she needs to say so and duck out for a time. I have never just moved on, in the way the mother is suggesting, because I couldn't have the worry that I caused my friend difficulty, but I have a couple of friends who very much avoid any confrontation, whether it's their own fault, or some else's.

For a kid with adhd that would be a red rag to a bull. If their physical needs are being met, but the mum constantly smoothes over, opts out, doesn't ever go back and talk to the child (why did you do that? Do you know why you did that? ), they're just going to flail around even more.

I may sound way too theoretical on this stuff, but learning is the only way I got my eldest to adulthood in one piece.

I would drive myself if it affected my back. You did the right thing.

FWIW I gave my lovely inlaws a book to read over Christmas which explained what one of my children deals with. Because they ask useful questions, and are interested in how we parent, and why. As far as I know this is because they love us, and the child, and not because they're over there tutting and rolling their eyes.

They thought they knew. They thought they were engaged. They were astonished, and really pretty emotional. I went over for coffee yesterday and they'd already read it (it's a very short, highly illustrated book). My FIL just kept saying "how do you do it?... I mean, how do you do it?!... I.. I don't know how you do it". Because it's him, and I understand it was a genuine question, and didn't reply with the usual glib "oh, I didn't know I had a choice". The only reason everyone thinks I'm marvellous is because DS2 internalises everything, doesn't act out. So mute, hiding, frozen etc. It's exhausting, worrying, 24/7 but doesn't impact on anyone else.

Walk a mile in someone else's shoes...

My PDA/ADHD DS is now being homeschooled, after immense distress and struggle with school attendance. SIL has mentioned several times that my DN has two autistic kids in his class, suggesting that it is somehow my preference - or my failure as a parent - that DS is at home. If those autistic kids can hack it, why can't my kid?

I've noticed on many occasions ND posters on mumsnet suggesting that just because they or their ND kid has a particular capacity, other ND kids who struggle more are actually just being parented badly. Spectrum, schmectrum!

To the OP, just drive yourself, and tell your friend you're physically uncomfortable in the back seat. She is BU to tell you to suck it up and get in the back, particularly if you are in pain. However, the only people other than DH and me who can travel in the car with my DS are my DPs. And they sit in the back with me. DS struggles badly in the car, but sometimes we need to drive to places. Putting him in the front seat is an accommodation we're happy to make. In an emergency, he would be able to sit in the back, but if we can lower stress by putting him in the front seat on the majority of occasions, why wouldn't we? He's disabled, and fortunately my adult ego can take it.

The 10 year old shouldn’t be in the front regardless, it is a safety risk as they are far too small.
I understand picking your battles as a parent, but this not the one to drop the ball on. I also feel the potential ADHD is irrelevant here.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable for choosing to not get in the car, if she’s choosing to raise her DC this way that’s her business. It’s not your circus, not your monkeys.

Not unreasonable, you already tolerated 6 months of this behaviour. If this kid can behave with the father, then he's capable of behaving with the mother as well. People are too quick to push it onto the potential illness.

You're too kind already going only to child events to keep her company. I have a child and even if I allowed him to do tantrums, I would never expect other people to tolerate them too. You have a back problem which means that you shouldn't be bending to just reach the back seat! Then if it's country, you would have more bumpy roads on a flat seat, making it much more uncomfortable than the front seat.

Given that she's unwilling to do something about her child, I would only meet her if I drive my own car even if that means to meet her only for short drives. Friendship is both ways, it's not only you tolerating her child or doing her activities.

I don’t think you should have got in the car, because there is no point hurting yourself. It’s not reasonable to expect you to put up with worsened back pain. You had given fair warning and really your friend should probably have said then that her 10 year old can’t be relied on, and it might be safer for you to meet them there. It’s really not good for her to kick off and blame you like that. If you think it’s out of character and she is just very sensitive on this issue, then I would text saying that you understand it’s very difficult for her but you just have a literal problem with your back, and you are prepared to be flexible by meeting them there so hopefully that can work. If she doesn’t accept that and move on from it then I am not sure what more you can do.

Assuming she has air bags, the ten year old shouldn't be allowed in the front seat ever.

This is common English usage in the US/Canada. Not all posters live in Surrey/England.

Other way around, actually. “Could of/should of” is a common error in the UK but nowhere near as common or prevalent in North America. I’ve only encountered it a couple of times since moving here. (In fact, my American iPhone just autocorrected it when I typed it even though I put it in quotes.)

I think they mean it’s “should I have” not “should I of”….

Sorry to digress.