Should I of gotten in the car?

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I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

Agreed. You seem to be doing all the heavy lifting in this friendship. Perhaps just spend time with her without kids?

Autism isn’t a trump card. I would have not gone - why would you? Doesn’t sound like it’s much fun. Why do you want to go?

YANBU suspected adhd or not this is where boundaries are put in place .
The kicking of the back seat I just wouldn't put up with he isn't 3.
If you still want to spend time going places with your friend and her children just drive yourself .

What tantrum? The OP didn’t have a tantrum? The kid kicked off. She still tried to attend but the mother didn’t respond? Then sent a passive aggressive text message when it was too late?

He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

Personally the way I read it, it does sound like OP engaging. I would have just sat in the back for that time and then the next times I’d drive myself or not go. But that’s just how I read the situation, you’re welcome to have your own take.

1. It was a 45 minute drive, and the OP has very, very severe back pain. We're not talking 5 mins down the road.
2. Its a 3-door car and the passenger in the front has to get out anyway to move the passenger seat forward/fold it so someone can get in the back. So he would have to have got out, in order for OP to get in the back anyway, as OP has already detailed.

ADHD is not a valid excuse for bad behaviour.

I’m sorry but ADHD is not a reason for bad behaviour the child should be reprimanded for bad behaviour and he needs to learn. I say this as someone her has a diagnosed ADHD husband and 2 diagnosed ADHD children.

I think you knew it was an irritating situation, and you let yourself get angry.

You should have just gotten in the car, or organise going in your own car beforehand, and not let the situation escalate like that at 7.30am. The kid did scream because you didn't want to budge.

Next time, go in your own car and do the pay for lunch. I am assuming you pay for their lunch because they pick you up?

He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there.

The OP couldn’t get into the back seat as it clearly states above “if the door was open he would slam it”
10 yr old kid was totally controlling the situation that the mother did nothing about except then choose to take it out on OP by ignoring her texts and even going as far to say OP should be ‘more tolerant’
WOW words fail me how friend cannot see her own terrible attitude towards OP
that would be no friend of mine

I’d say you sound a little entitled and child free?

How do you "sound child free"?

So what do you do if you’re transporting 4 children under 10 in the car? Not allow any of them in the front despite having the right child seat? Don’t be ridiculous. It may not be the safest place in the car but it’s not illegal and is often necessary.

Wrong and smug. Try re-reading the OP's opening post specifically My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year. Maybe really slowly to help your comprehension.

Such a stupid and ignorant comment.
Phrases such as “so much bad behaviour and lazy parenting is excused by ADHD”
is EXACTLY why parents with neuro diverse children live in a constant knot of anxiety. Have you any idea how physically and mentally draining it is to constantly have to consider how you approach a demand or task with a much loved child?
Nobody can dispute that the child’s behaviour was challenging but when dealing with a ND child nothing is to be achieved by entering into a battle or argument. What exactly do you think his mother should have done?
I am still genuinely amazed by the level of ignorance some people demonstrate in this area!
BTW - if the child ‘behaves’ better for his father it’s probably because his Dad knows how to approach making demands of his child and doesn’t just expect a ND child to meet with a pre conceived attitude of how a child should behave.

So he sits in the back when his father tells him to.

Op-I wouldn’t reply to your friend.
If she messages again, I would tell her that you will not tolerate being kicked in the back.
If you really want to go to these events then tell her you will drive there and see her there.
I would also stop buying lunch and dinner for her and her family.
Sounds like she is very ungrateful and a poor parent to boot.

When you are a guest, you do not get to choose where you sit. So, go in your own car, or not at all. End of story.

To be honest, If my friend was driving and her child has additional needs then I would take my place in the back seat. Obviously the front seat is his spot usually and he needs routine and structure to remain regulated. I personally don't think because your an adult that you should automatically have a right to the front seat.
You drive, so to avoid the problem In the first place I would probably have just said sure il come but il take my car as I need to pop somewhere after or offer to pick them up.
You mentioned that your friend needs a car seat for her child, these can be removed and placed into another car as I do this when my husband is at work and my friends pick me up.
If this friend is a valued friend I would personally message her and apologise that you hadn't realised how much of an issue the front seat would have been.

I think the post you were replying to was referencing using ‘of’ instead of ‘have’…

not sure if your post was aimed at OP or me so if it was aimed at me … i then would also like to add i am a mother of 4 (2 of which have ND) all gown adults who have excellent manners😉

Gotten is correct usage. Both are past tense, but got sounds much more tawdry….?

Nobody can dispute that the child’s behaviour was challenging but when dealing with a ND child nothing is to be achieved by entering into a battle or argument. What exactly do you think his mother should have done?
@Poppysocks13
The friend should have simply put the 10 yr old in the back seat at the start of the journey before even picking up OP.
No drama
No arguements
No battle
No problems
SIMPLE to me🤷‍♀️

It’s deadly, if the airbag goes off it can kill the child. The recommendation around the world is 12/13.
This situation alsp doesn’t apply to 4 children under 10 🤦🏼‍♀️
It’s one child that has plenty of room in the back.
The Op is also in country Aus where there is far more car accidents than the rest of Australia

Wtf? @MummaEllie ? OP's friend is the one who needs to apologise! And no, at 10, we don't do child car seats in Australia! We're not strange like the UK is with that. Child seats are up to about 6. So that doesn't need to be moved. And you forget OPs replies (I doubt you read all her posts before replying) that its a FOURTY-FIVE MINUTE drive, and she CANNOT sit in the back like that for 45 minutes, and friend knew this! Its not 5 minutes down the road, its 3 quarters of an hour sitting like that!
And you missed, in her replies that as the car is a 3 door, the person in the front HAS to get out for the front seat to be folded, in order for someone to get in the back. So the boy HAD to move out for OP to sit in the back, anyway!

Ah but this is MN. A place where SEN is an excuse for every bit of poor behaviour exhibited by a child and parents of said child are not responsible for parenting them because they need to avoid ‘meltdowns’.