Should I of gotten in the car?

[CountryVic]

I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

Nope, bratty rude 10 year old was bang on.

OP YANBU at all. It sounds like your friend is taking you for a ride, and getting far more out of your friendship than she gives.

I have chronic pain. It makes a hell of a difference. Back seats in cars are completely different.

I think the kid is hurtling towards adolescence and needs to be reminded about manners and empathy. It’s not HIS seat. His mum needs to grow a pair.

@CountryVic After years of tractor work, my excuse for something like that is “nah, doing that is a chiropractors appointment waiting for me” and I do my own thing.

But I am also in the ‘stronger parenting wouldn’t go astray” camp, too.

This is a good point. My dd didn’t travel in the front at this age. She is now 16 with suspected Autism and PDA. This is unofficial but comes from a highly trained professional and dd refuses to get tested. There are some battles that I pick and others that I don’t. What your friend is doing is showing no respect for any adults other than her husband. I am someone, who treats everyone the same so this wouldn’t wash with me.

'Gotten' is fine, people like to get really snobby about it but it originated here and went to both the US and Aus via British settlers.

But the 'of' instead of 'have' will really make the pedants teeth itch.

Back to the point however - no, I would not travel in the back seat of a small car, it is not generally comfortable for an adult sized person, the seat isn't adjustable and children simply fit there better. I also have not grown out of throwing up if sitting in the back. So yes if the back seat wasn't available, driving yourself seems the logical option, or not going.

Same excuse as always which is why kids are like this and he'll become more difficult when he doesn't get his own way as he gets older. He's a kid, she's an adult. Kids sit in the back, adults in the front.

No, you definitely shouldn't have got in the car.

This child does not have needs that require him to be in the front seat. There is no physical or safety need for him to be there as he manages the back just fine when his father is home in the vehicle.

ADHD is no excuse for getting away with power plays on mom and her friend. And if he refuses or is unable to follow his mother’s instruction, he should not be in the front seat with easy access to the steering wheel and gear shift anyway. This happened to a family friend a few years back when driving her 11 year old grandson to hockey. He has behavioral issues but seemed fine when they got in the car. 10 mins later he got upset when his grandmother wouldn’t look at a picture on his phone (as she was driving), he started arguing and it escalated to him repeatedly grabbing the steering wheel while they were on a busy parkway. No more front seat for him.

The friend can't have wanted OP's company that much as she behaved like a spoiled brat by not responding to her messages/calls. If the child can sit in the back when they travel as a family then he can do it for others.

Honestly OP, friendship doesn't have to be this hard. I would look for a better friend.

Sorry about your bad back and you were right to put your physical needs first. You weren’t being difficult, intolerant or awkward, you weren’t being a bad friend at all. Unfortunately, you have a bad back which is exacerbated by being in the more confined space of a back seat and trying to scramble in.

It’s why you’d had the discussion multiple times with your friend in advance about needing to sit in the front. Her child possibly has ADHD and was having a meltdown. It happens but he would still have had to get out of the seat to let you in had you been able to sit in the back without pain. She needs to work on this with him in quiet times.

The answer would have been for her just to accept you couldn’t even get in the car, then arrange to meet you there, not to try to guilt you by sending a text too late and threatening the friendship with claims of inflexibility and intolerance.

if you wish to continue the friendship - where you handily pay for food and drinks for all of you - I would stress the pain angle, make it about your physical health needs, nothing to do with her son, so she doesn’t feel defensive or get accusatory

It isn't about "confusion", it's that "should I of gotten ...." is 😱a crime against the English language especially as the OP then went on to say "In hindsight I would have driven myself".

Normally I'd agree that picking holes in someone's written English is a bit crap, but that takes it to a new level low!

OP notwithstanding the of gotten I marked you as not unreasonable, because I have suffered back problems so I know the misery. A bit too late now, but you could have (natch!) taken a cushion to support your back - that's what I do if I'm sitting in the back of a car.

I think you’re being used OP. Why do you buy everyone’s lunch? And big family Christmas gifts? What are the power dynamics like, does your friend return the favour?

I think your ‘friend’ likes the support you give her, more than the friendship

Should you of gotten? No, you should not of! :-)
You should have been allowed to sit in the front passenger seat.

You've been very reasonable so far. It is a good idea for you to drive yourself if you go out with them in future. I daresay your friend is at the end of her tether which is why she is defensive. Goodness only knows what I would have done in that situation, it was and is difficult but I think you handled it well so try to think no more about it.

I am really sorry for your friend but does a diagnosis of ADHD automatically mean that a child cannot understand simple requests? It's not as if he was cornered and put on the spot, or threatened; you had mentioned it previously a couple of times so he knewhe should have sat in the back. Shouting outside your house, banging the car door, early in the morning is just not on - he was naughty.

I looked up ADHD and read that children who have the disorder can learn manners but have problems being consistent with them. They need preparation and warnings, then praise when they are display some control and behave better. The boy may outgrow this; hopefully he goes to a decent school with appropriate care irom teachers. I also hope, if he does receive a formal diagnosis, he isn't given drugs. Some of them are awful!

This is probably gonna get me massive flack but I’ve noticed a tendency in parents these blaming additional needs for their kids poor behaviour which usually stems from ineffective parenting

Oh we can all play that one. How’s the kid going to manage in life if his mum lets him get away with this behaviour at 10?

Hang on , why is she being selfish? She is helping her friend with her family and paying for meals out. I wouldn't put up with having to sit in the back if my back was painful. Infact I would drop this friend who seems to just be using the OP and not even texting back to tell her where she should go and then having a go at her. I don't get what the OP gets out of this relationship to be honest.

So sick of people on here thinking that means they don't need to be even remotely well behaved or follow any rules.

I totally get that scrambling in to the back of that hatchback is unpleasant and uncomfortable. I'm amazed you agreed to go to the football match, it's boring enough when it's your own kid let alone one you're not even related to. Clearly the mother had lost a grip of the situation as the child with suspected ADHD (no official diagnosis at 10) sits in the back for his Father. And as a player in the football game, presumably the child can follow the rules of match. The minute, the situation slipped into failed threats and bribery I would have been off, back inside my own home, along with my offer of lunch and snacks etc., not riding around Town looking looking for them.

Only accept child free lifts from your friend.

I was in a back seat recently where there was hardly any leg room, and it does do your back in. I don't think you were at all unreasonable to drive yourself when her DC wouldn't move. It's a pity she didn't reply to your texts about the address in time, otherwise everything would probably have been just fine. I don't blame the DC for not moving if he has additional needs plus suspected ADHD.

The back back excuse sounds really flimsy, it just sounds like you are calling shotgun and getting miffed when others won't play. At the end of the day your friend is always going to side with her children over a friend, so YABU for thinking she won't.

Whether or not you should have got into the car, I'm struggling to see how you COULD have got into it if the front seat passenger wouldn't get out. It's usually much harder to get into the back of small 2 door cars from the driver's side.

There wasn't a 'back back' excuse, the op said there was insufficient room which exacerbated a bad back on a longish journey. I have similar problems in some seats and it really is quite irksome. If you don't experience it you won't understand.

I would have no problem telling me child to sit in the back of the car for a journey as friend finds it difficult because of her back. The son would find it comfortable enough. An adult would give up a seat in those circumstances.

This relationship is really off. Your friend seems to be playing you like a fool. Why do you do so much for them? That’s not what most friends would expect of each other, are you lonely?

There really needs to be a "Don't be a knob" react button 😑