Should I of gotten in the car?

[CountryVic]

I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

You’re not unreasonable in going in your car going forwards, but having a silly tantrum back and forth with a 10 year old is silly as hell. You wouldn’t die in the back seat for a last time.

Well I feel a bit shit now so I’ve called her and we’re going to move past it. I really thought her son would just move, and not get so mad about it. I’ve never seen him like that before, he normally holds my hand and walks along, maybe it’s the loss of his routine over Christmas.

I bought them a yearly family pass to the zoo for Christmas and they want to go in 2 weeks, but I I will be away for work, so I suggested she take her sister or go as a family, she said maybe.

I think she’s really overwhelmed and she did ask if I can still babysit on Thursday night so she can have date night with her husband and I said yes of course I would still do that. But I think maybe car travel will be off for a bit.

Many thanks for the suggestions of how to move forward, and the grammar lesson. 😃

For people saying she is putting her needs above a child who has special needs - do you think that about the Dad as well? Is he putting his “needs” above the childs - because the Dad goes in the front seat and mysteriously the kid is able to fall into line then. Sounds like a want not a need!

And actually OP wanted to compromise by driving herself and therefore letting them both have what they want. But that still wasn’t
good enough for her entitled friend. She demands Op company in the car even if it’s causing her pain and discomfort.

I agree with the poster who said good luck to her friend on finding another mate who pays for both her and her kids meals , and travels 45 minutes to keep her company while she watches her son play sports!

Child's behaviour aside this whole fiasco was all on OPs friend , she should’ve asked her son to sit at the back before she set off from her own house. And if he refused to do that she should’ve then pulled up and texted Op to let her know in advance that her child is in charge she wouldn’t be able to sit in the front.

Op made it clear in advance that she needed to be in the front seat, so if friend couldn’t accommodate that she should’ve also let her know in advance. This probably would have led to OP offering drive herself that morning, without the showdown in front of her house.

think she’s really overwhelmed and she did ask if I can still babysit on Thursday night so she can have date night with her husband and I said yes of course I would still do that. But I think maybe car travel will be off for a bit.

Op, wow - once again I really think she’s taking advantage and taking you for a bit of a mug. Of course she has to get over her little sulk rather quickly since she needs you for childcare. Each to their own but I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of treatment from a friend.

The ability to discern the meaning of sentences containing spelling or grammar errors is really useful. If you genuinely were so lacking in this ability that the OPs post meant nothing to you, it would be very useful for you to work on this skill (assuming you have the basic intelligence and understanding of the English language to do so). You will be astounded at how much more everyday conversation you will begin to understand.

You can’t seriously be talking about a CHILD like that??

@CountryVic TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

I would sit in the back seat, but I do not have issues with sitting in small cars. If I had an issue with my back which was causing issues (as you have described in your original post) then I would drive myself instead.

I'm not sure why your friend was offended though. I don't think it's reasonable for children to shout and scream over nothing, and I don't understand the parenting style of Gen X parents who allow their children to run riot while saying nothing.

The front seats of cars are way more comfortable than the back seats, and as we get older it really makes a difference

• back seats are more a bench rather than an individual seat
• especially in smaller three doored cars
• As we age we are not as nimble, so a 10 year old hopping into the back is not the same as a near 50 year old doing her best to manoeuvre her way in
• Sometimes due to my husbands medical condition, if one of the adult children are driving I go in the back, and it has its own door, I wouldn’t stick it for a long journey
• its also tight for space, more difficult for me as I’ve both a foot and knee issue (accident/surgery and old age)
• 10 year old was being a brat
• He should have been made move, it’s basic manners, since when do children dictate where they sit in a car
• The OP is a more than generous friend
• its much easier for adults to chat seated together in the front
• More brat behaviours in his deliberately kicking the front seat, I’d have out him out for that or not brought him to the event
• The mother is making a rod for her own back
• Child clearly can travel in the back as he used to, and as he does when his father is in the car
• Having some kind of issue doesn’t mean a child becomes the boss just to appease or placate him, wait until he’s a stroppy teenager

Because you can't adjust the angle to the right place for .your back, like you can a front seat. When my back is playing up sitting in the back is crucifying after about 10 mins, I daresay OP is the same

Child is a brat. I'd be raging if my DC behaved like that. ADHD is no excuse for rudeness and refusal to follow instructions.

It will not improve matters but UK law says
Children aged between three and 12, or up to the height of 135cm (4'4”) in the UK and 150cm in Ireland (4'9”), must travel in a child seat placed in either the front or back of a car.

Thank you. I wish more parents had your attitude.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be

Yes you know precisely-he can be a little shit who won’t do as he’s told (or his behaviour can be and she won’t manage it).
Adults take precedence over kids for front seat (except for cases of car sickness etc which was not the case here). He is ill disciplined and wouldn’t accept NO.

The child gets in the back for their dad.

The mum knowing another adult was to get in the car, should teach the child that they have to sit in the back - it's about respecting adults - not getting 'my own way because I scream'.

And yes, even young people with SEND can learn this. Its about pre-warning - expectations - and consistency. (Remember they can do it for Dad , so it is not that the young person 'can't ). I guarantee they don't kick dads seat for an entire journey either.

I would probably see them less often. They are not being a good friend to you.

Although I would also try to gently suggest that 10 year olds 'dominating the rules' and not 'getting a bigger picture could be quite scary as a teenager.. they get bigger and stronger - and if they learn early not to be respectful the teenage years could be really hard.

Rubbish. Stop denying what your motivation was. You've contributed nothing to the actual discussion and couldn't wait to get stuck in being spiteful.
Behaviour like yours is generally deemed to be not in the spirit.

I'm glad you and your friend sorted it out. Your response to the spite dished out to you is very gracious.

'Suspected' ADHD is no excuse for that kind of behaviour. There are plenty of children with additional needs that don't point blank refuse anything and everything that is asked of them.

Yes.

I have an ADHD son. I suspect I am too as was my mother. None of us require to be in the front passenger seat or to kick the back of seats. Having ADHD does not mean that other people should yield to our unreasonable preferences. Nor does it mean that children, ADHD or not, shouldn't be taught empathy and manners. My son was never a rude defiant brat and he gets really annoyed about people blaming ADHD for their behaviour as he thinks it adds to the stigma of ADHD for genuine cases.

Wow you certainly do a lot for her and her family.
Just hope the relationship is reciprocal and she is appreciates your friendship

ADHD often comes with many and varied issues. PDA, OCD, lots of bits of descriptors that help explain how their brains work.. or react would be a better word.

It maybe that the child behaves differently with the dad there, but that doesn't mean he's "putting it on" and playing the mum. It may be that he has to "behave" in front of dad because his reactions are scary (to him, not saying the dad is being violent or such).

In exactly the same way that a child can be challenging at home, and am angel at school, they will try and find some control in their lives when they feel safe to do so.

It is also a known fact that child and young adults with adhd have an emotional age that's about a 3rd less than their biological age. He may be becoming more and more aware that he's making life difficult, is the naughty one.

So, this child has all the confusion of not knowing quite how and why he feels the way he does, potentially has the emotional age of a 7 year old, has made it through Christmas, and has an early start back into something structured.. in my world I'd be doing well if this was his only way of "acting out". Maybe he doesn't actually want op to be there? Maybe getting ready to leave is chaos and by the time he's in his seat he can't cope with one more change.

OP - I'm really grateful that you see that your friend may be struggling. As you can see on this thread, there are plenty of people who would leave her in the dust.

Yes, she may be so caught up in her child rearing, that she expects you to put up with a much as she does (although I suspect this is nothing compared to the rest of her day), and it maybe that in due course you find that she is taking the piss. But for the moment you've been graceful, and I really appreciate friends who second-hand cope with my life too.

No you did the right thing here: clear expectations set out well in advance which you re-iterated and then held the boundary.

The child should have been put into the back at the start of the journey, before pick you up. This wasn’t an issue you should have been made to handle.

Your friend was then petty to ignore you and then immature in trying to make you feel guilty. The fact she’s moved past this and made sure you are still okay to babysit spots really poorly. I do wonder if you are being taken advantage of

My children, as all children do, tried the “me first” for front seat trick. Only solution is the owner/driver dictates the rules. Now as young adults they therefore never even try that because it’s not tolerated.

My brother put his two children out of the car on the road once, teenagers fighting over “their air space” in the back seat.

It’s the height of bad manners to expect a VERY kind friend get in the back seat of a three door because a 10 year old is allowed dictate. I’d be backing away from this friendship, because the OP is being gaslighted into thinking she’s somehow in the wrong. She strikes me as a most kind generous and supportive friend. Very understanding too.

Also from a safety point of view children should be in the back. Surely it’s illegal to allow a 10 year old in the front.

You absolutely did the right thing in driving yourself. I actually think you handled the situation well.

I agree you just go in your own car from now on.

I get really car sick so never sit in the back. If I’m not getting to sit in the front, for whatever reason, I’m driving myself.

It needn’t be a confrontational thing, it’s just what has to be.