Should I of gotten in the car?

[CountryVic]

I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

I think people are saying that just as you have written

"In hindsight I would have driven myself,"

You could also have written "should I have gotten in the car"

It's the 'of' instead of the 'have' that's causing the confusion.

Or rather should (I) HAVE

I think I’d be only willing to meet this friend without her DC in future, and if that means the friendship fades then so be it.

Her kid is rude and she is a poor parent. Allowing him to kick a seat is lazy parenting. I don’t care if he has suspected ADHD - he has no need for the front seat, he just wants it. A child does not dictate the behavior of adults, especially when an older and less physically able guest is present. ADHD does not automatically mean a child has poor behavior, and it is not an excuse for poor behavior - in fact, you’re doing your child a disservice by letting poor behavior slide under the banner of “oh but he has ADHD”.

It’s not causing confusion. It’s riling pedants.

It's nice that you even wanted to go tbh. I wouldn't have tolerated that. The fact you faffed around making your own way there, trying to find out where they were actually going with no reply and wasting your entire morning makes you a decent friend.

She needs to instil some boundaries for this behaviour and you aren't wrong to simply not bow down to the tantrums of a ten year old.

I wouldn't bother in future. Sounds hard work.

Ohh, that’s my Aussie lingo, grammar is not my forte.

Noted for future reference.

Her son manages to sit in the back when it’s his Dad insisting so clearly it’s possible. It sounds as if things went wrong when she started letting him sit in the front seat when his Dads not there and now he feels entitled to it.

I think you want to scale back on all you do for her tbh - why are you paying for all the meals? It sounds like she didn’t text you the address of the match to try and punish you. I feel she’s been taking you for granted.

Her son can continue to rule the roost if that’s what she wants, but she should have no issue with you then choosing to drive separately. I absolutely wouldn’t stand for constant kicks to the back of my seat.

ETA:

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship

Where’s the tolerance and flexibility from her end? Can’t she realise not every adult is ok being in the backseat while a ten year old who is probably shorter than them is in the front seat OR in the front seat and having their seat kicked? This doesn’t sound like a very equal friendship and she was massively disrespectful of your time by just leaving you hanging.

This is common English usage in the US/Canada. Not all posters live in Surrey/England.

Grow up.

I think most of us just assumed from the use of the word ‘gotten’ that you weren’t English and moved on. It was perfectly clear what you meant.

(To clarify, an English person would normally say ‘should I have got in the car’ - ‘gotten’ isn’t really used here).

The kid is causing you physical pain, drive yourself.
I empathise, as my back is really bad {have had spinal surgery} and cars are very uncomfortable - A kicking ten year old would be intolerable.

YANBU.

Why doesn't she put the 10 year old in the back before they set off?

if it is just too much for the 10 year old I'd just sit in the back, or if it genuinely hurt my back I'd just drive myself.

Her comment was rude though given you've been making special allowances for her 19yo for a long time.

its one thing to think it, its quite another to say it.

You can't control other people's behaviour only your own.
Therefore if you don't want a scene and want to make sure your back is ok, yes, pleasantly arrange to drive yourself. No drama. Just tell your friend you'll follow her or meet her there.

I don't see the appeal of going in the first place. Maybe going back indoors to not be shouted at or kicked, rather than wasting money on driving, would have got it more effectively across.

Kid's a bit of a dag by the sounds of it.

Back seats are sprung differently and really do hurt a sore back.
I can do a four hour journey in the front without issue but I did a two hour journey last week in the back of a car and couldn't bend the next day.

You put your needs above a child with additional needs?? I doubt this friend will ever want to see you again.

Nah kid is playing his mum to a right tune.
Doubt many are jumping to be her friend with him around.

This. ⬆️
So much bad behaviour and lazy parenting is excused with 'ADHD'
It's a ''get out of jail free card'' for letting a kid run riot and rule the roost.

Interesting the kid behaves much better for his father, probably because the father takes no nonsense.

Personally I wouldn’t have got into a power struggle about seats, especially if the child has additional needs - I imagine your friend doesn’t need the additional stress. I have to say though, it’s very kind of you to even want to travel for 45 minutes to watch someone else’s 10 year old child play football.

You didn't understand what she was saying? Of course you did. You just wanted to pick holes in her written English.

@CountryVic sounds like an amazing friend, she’s willing to spend her time and money doing frankly quite dull child orientated activities to keep her friend company. I doubt the woman would find anyone else willing to do this

I can see why you are uncertain of a polite way forward.

In answer to your question .. You should have jumped into the back seat and risked a sore back. It was clear the troubled boy was incapable of being considerate.

When next invited, you could ask how long the journey might be and where it is etc.
Based on how long you will be spending in the cramped back seat, make your decision about driving yourself.

You could also offer to drive your friend's car one way - with friend in the back. This might help the little chap to get used to changed circumstances. Once he gets used to you as driver, he might travel back in your car, one way, on some days when you drive yourself.

Your friend could try having her son in the back seat every second trip too - to help him be flexible. (The door is broken or the seat is wet from spilt milk. You'll have to sit in the back with your favourite toy.)

P.S. It is definitely "should have" not "should of" in Australia.
The problem is that "should've" is an option which sounds like "should of" so people assume they are hearing the latter.

No clue about children with special needs!!!! And this is purely why people need todo some research and learn about different needs!!!!