Should I of gotten in the car?

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I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

I work with lots of children with ADHD and they can follow instructions. It may require constant reinforcement of those instructions but so be it. I don’t like this being used as a reason for poor manners. It is up to the adult to show them how to behave and how to respect others.

No need.

I don’t understand why the back seat is any different. I wouldn’t have an issue sitting in the back, but I always made mine sit in the back if a friend was coming. Why didn’t she just tell the boy he’s in the back from the start. Additional needs or not he sounds quite rude. Just stick to your car if she can’d get her son to co-operate. I’d have been mortified if my child behaved like that. I’d have refused to take him to the match too if he didn’t listen, and i’d be making sure he apologised.

Personally, I wouldn't drive over an hour to watch a friend's dc play football. Why do you feel you have to?

Then you’re borderline illiterate. It’s perfectly possible to parse meaning from imperfect grammar, and if that’s a skill you lack you should look into adult literacy classes to assist you.

Another child ruling the roost. I wouldn’t be getting in that car again.

The person who can’t understand why the back seats are different to the front, you’ve clearly never suffered from a proper bad back.

Having ADHD is not an excuse for poor behaviour/manners. This is coming from someone who is diagnosed with ASHD- and so is my 10 year old son.

My 10 year olds bum would be out of that front seat so quickly if we were in this position 😂

Unnecessary no?
You must be able to get the gist

This

OP I don’t think you were unreasonable - despite what many posters seem to think, the back seat of a car is more likely to exacerbate a back problem than the front seat. It’s more cramped and it tends to be bumpier. It also deprives you of the opportunity to talk to your friend during the journey, which was presumably the purpose of you being picked up in the first place.

Your friend’s son having additional needs which make him less compliant is a complicating factor, but one your friend ought to have resolved in advance, either by insisting he sat in the back from the outset of her journey to you or by her letting you know in advance that he would insist on being in the front and giving you the option to drive yourself.

I would certainly not agree to be driven by her in future; there is nothing wrong with you prioritising your own comfort and health.

I would not have engaged in a debate that morning and if a child has a habit of kicking the seat when sitting behind me I would not be giving him further opportunity to do that either!
An adult would have waited until the friend arrived and then announced "I will drive myself this morning as my back is giving me pain" and then follow the friends car.
Not the OP place to be debating with another persons child

I always sit in the back seat if there’s more than one passenger. By far the safest place to be (which is why 10 year olds should generally be seated in the back).

Let's see if I got this straight.

This is a fairly new friendship, not years and years of togetherness.

Her son is SUSPECTED of being ADHD, but not diagnosed (schools can suspect anything and frequently do when it suits them). So, he could just as easily be an entitled, spoiled little brat who knows that whining/acting out will get him his way. He also has the need to be the constant center of attention. BTW--my DS WAS diagnosed with ADHD and never, ever, would that behavior have been allowed.

You have sat in the back, paid your own way into things, helped your "friend" with her children when her husband is too busy AND usually pay for food for them all. uummmm....oookkkaaayyyyy.

Wow! Please, read this, over and over again and think about what you are getting out of this relationship besides a bad back, financial loss and probably a massive headache. With friends like that, who needs enemas?

Edited to add: So, after talking to her, she what? Forgives you for not wanting to constantly pander to a 10-year-old and destroying your back for the next three plus decades? Plus, you are being their unpaid sitter so they can have a date night. Again, what in ever hell and high water are you getting out of this relationship? I'd rather stay home and read a book than be used for that style of friendship.

You sound like an amazing friend. Children with ADHD can absolutely follow instructions, have good manners, understand that an adult might feel uncomfortable in the back of a small car… She’s setting herself up for a tough adolescence. You were NBU at all.

New year, same dickheads. Have a day off.

Yeah, I would not be putting up with that. We would not be friends.

She lacks the ability to appropriately parent her child and she needs to know that has consequences, and one of those is that people probably aren’t going to want to hang out with you.

I think you sound like a really good friend and good support to the family OP. I hope you are getting something out of the friendship because you are putting a lot into it.
In this situation, I think the mother needed to take control. I say this as a mother of an 11yo with ASD. She should have either had him in the back seat on arrival or else let you know before arriving. There shouldn't have been a confrontation between you and DC.
We can't judge the DC (some calling him a brat) as we don't know his capabilites. With my 11yo, this absolutely would not have happened because its within his capabilities to follow rules, take no for an answer and learn social norms/respect adults. We have been working on all of this since he was 3 though when he was first diagnosed.
I know though that every DC is different, has different needs and different capabilities and what may work for my DC won't work for every DC with SN. This is all the more reason why the DM should have taken control of the situation.

t's

Also I think if there is undiagnosed SN, he may also have ODD or PDA, we just don't know.

The mum knows what he's like so should have insisted he be in the back from the very beginning. He is being taught that he gets his own way if behaves badly, not a good thing to teach a child!

This. She is making a very big rod for her own back. ADHD is not an excuse for allowing a child to be a brat and get his own way by screaming and shouting.
I say this as a parent of a now adult son with adhd and asd. Would it have made my life easier in the short run to let him sit in front seat- yep. Would I have let him- nope. If you don’t put in the hard work and help them then they are heading for big trouble as adults

What a rude little brat. What part of ADHD makes him unable to understand that if he doesn't swap seats, OP will be in pain?

Of course it does. “Of” means “have” in this context and “gotten” is American English with the same meaning as “got”. The sense is “should I have got in the car?” You are really dense if that isn’t obvious.

Don't be ridiculous. (Suspected) additional needs doesn't mean a child should never be told no and be allowed to do whatever they want regardless of the consequences and effect on others.

I Am with you op, the friend needs to exert parental control and the child should have been in the back.

Suspected ADHD doesn’t mean letting the child do whatever they want. Children need clear boundaries.