Families when someone is wanting to change genders

[Pleasesendhelp8]

Have posted before but NC for this. Just after some advice really, i am a carer for DS1 (19) he has adhd and autism, high levels, still very dependant. Struggling with his sexuality and gender. Well I say struggling, he is sure that he’s gay, and he is sure that he wants to start hormone therapy to start to transition to be a woman, although he doesn’t want to actually be a woman he just wants top surgery. (Fine, I mean, it came out of nowhere at the time as he’s never been a feminine kind of boy, but ok.) The part where he is gay I kind of expected and I am supportive, the rest I try to support him as much as I can. However, this is where it gets difficult, I also have DS2 (9) and DD1 (2). Our house is so small that DS 1 is still sharing a room with DS2. 19 and 9, I’m sharing a room with DD1. (Just for context, I am trying to find somewhere bigger and more suitable, although it is extremely difficult in my position, I’m unable to work as I’m a single parent and also caring for two of my autistic children with additional needs I had to quit my job when DS1 was a teenager as it became apparent he needed someone with him atall times.) Anyhow, I have asked that he holds off from any hormone therapies while he is sharing a room with his younger brother for obvious reasons! But he does in the evenings change into womens clothes, sometimes a little revealing in my opinion. I mean I don’t wear miniskirts and shoulder revealing tops round the house but I have felt unable to broach this as a subject. I’ve just asked that he keeps it PG around his younger sibs. I’m just gaging what other people would do in this situation as I don’t want my younger son to feel uncomfortable in his own room, and I don’t want my older son to feel like he can’t be who he wants. But it’s just so difficult 😞

Internalised homophobia. If he knows he is gay and yet thinks he needs to transition then it therapy he needs not hormones.

Useful resource

www.transgendertrend.com/

I would be finding a good therapist for him personally. Sounds like he has a lot to work though

Your son needs some really intensive psychological support.

You'd be well to educate yourself on ROGD, very common among autistic teenage boys who spend a lot of time online.

I think you need to be utterly frank with him that he is not, and can never be a woman, irrespective of what drugs he takes or surgeries he has.

Transgender teens are a fabulous resource and there are therapists out there who will help him work through his identity struggles without immediately jumping to affirming that he is a "girl".

Also do some reading around autogynephilia. A teenage boy who has never expressed gender dysphoria in his youth, and has always expressed himself as typically male is much more likely to be AGP

100% this. Please do all you can to discourage him from having surgery, OP.

Transgender Trend not transgender teens!

How very difficult for you. Could you ask him to delay this operation for an agreed time? Would he accept counselling by a reputable, qualified therapist?
Would your son be willing to talk to any trustworthy people that you know and that he respects?

Dr Az Hakeem on Heretics on youtube has a few words to say about this. At about 28 minutes in.

No advice as to what to do but a very clear explanation about how your ds’s mind is working.

although he doesn’t want to actually be a woman he just wants top surgery he needs to speak to a therapist

True.

He'd have a limited dating pool also if he had a "full" sex change also (along with limited sexual function).

I agree therapy to help him feel comfortable being a gay man is worth pursuing.

OP you may find this organisation for parents of trans teens useful. (Although he's not saying he's trans, if he wants fake breasts this is a group that will understand the issues well).

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

He just wants big breasts?

I wonder what might have brought that on.

@AlisonDonut sissy porn probably

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Under no circumstances should you allow this to be happening around your young children.

Have you thought about getting him to live in supported accommodation.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blanchard%27s_transsexualism_typology

Look up autogynophelia linked above, it is a thing and he needs therapy not pandering & your kids need safeguarding.

He's clearly spending way too much time online and would benefit from meeting some gay people who are happy in their own skin (not online identity obsessed people wanting to start a fight).

Having your relationships and development online rather than irl can mean that someone gets down a fetish rabbit hole before they've even had a fumble with someone they fancy, it's quite sad really. Does he really want to limit his irl options further by having a penis and boobs?

The idea of getting breast implants, but not actually wanting to be a woman is really odd. Do you think it's more a drag queen thing he's aiming for? Then chicken fillets will do and he needs to get it out of the kids bedroom and into nightclubs/community.

I'd really try to get to the bottom of it and not pretend to him this is a normal thing to want. Call it a moob job rather than the coy, top surgery, for example, take the trans language out of it and keep it factual.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this OP.

If your DS is only dressing in a sexualised porn-type way then this is not appropriate around your younger children. If it were me I'd say he can dress like the actual woman / women in his life (which sounds like it's mostly you) do if he wants but nothing sexualised.

Please make sure he is not using the internet in the room with your younger DS, it sounds very much that this is porn driven and to safeguard your younger children you need to ensure he is not exposing them to very age inappropriate potentially traumatising content. No phones or computers in the bedroom and / or turn the internet off when they're there together and don't pay for data on his phone.

It is also not ok for your DD to see that it is acceptable for men to equate 'woman' to being porn type overly sexualised dress.

Whilst he's living at home he needs to accept your boundaries and consider the impact of his actions on you and his siblings, it sounds as if he is not doing so. I would be very clear about boundaries - no sexualised dress and no hormones or surgery whilst under your roof, but you will explore therapy with him.

I'd also question WHY your son feels that a sexualised, pornified version of 'womanhood' is what he 'wants' and 'who he is' and whether following this path is truly in his best interests, or whether he has fallen into some negative and harmful content online and is potentially being groomed online.

This. And turn off the wifi. Is he at college or does he have a job? Both are probably needed. I would actually do the opposite with dressing as a porn soaked image of a woman, out of the house only. You are not his audience.

Funny how he only wants tits and tight short skirts

My ds is the same so following with interest.

Jeez, classic autigynephile.
You need to get him therapy and protect your younger children.

What is autigynephile? I’ve never heard of this term. Thanks everyone I will do some reading up later. My children are very well safeguarded
, DS1 might be battling through some stuff right now, but he doesn’t have a bad bone in his body. With his autism he’s very introverted, and might be unsure where boundaries lie in terms of how to dress, I have explained to him it’s not appropriate infront of my little ones but I don’t dress like that around the house and I don’t agree with it personally, so he’s resorted to wearing longer skirts with tights 🤷🏼‍♀️ not every night but some.
it’s hard to talk to him as with his autism he only really talks about a couple of certain subjects, if I ask a question he is open enough which is how I discovered what it is that he wants to do. He doesn’t just come out with it IYSWIM. . He has said he will hold out until he has his own space to take anything further.
this is all alien to me though and I am struggling with it 😞

Encourage him off the internet.

Get him a good, non ideologically captured therapist.

Do not support his damaging delusion that he can transition to a woman. Humans can't change sex and large fake comedy boobs wont make his life better, they will make him a laughing stock.

@Pleasesendhelp8
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blanchard%27s_transsexualism_typology

Definition of autogynophelia linked above