Families when someone is wanting to change genders

[Pleasesendhelp8]

Have posted before but NC for this. Just after some advice really, i am a carer for DS1 (19) he has adhd and autism, high levels, still very dependant. Struggling with his sexuality and gender. Well I say struggling, he is sure that he’s gay, and he is sure that he wants to start hormone therapy to start to transition to be a woman, although he doesn’t want to actually be a woman he just wants top surgery. (Fine, I mean, it came out of nowhere at the time as he’s never been a feminine kind of boy, but ok.) The part where he is gay I kind of expected and I am supportive, the rest I try to support him as much as I can. However, this is where it gets difficult, I also have DS2 (9) and DD1 (2). Our house is so small that DS 1 is still sharing a room with DS2. 19 and 9, I’m sharing a room with DD1. (Just for context, I am trying to find somewhere bigger and more suitable, although it is extremely difficult in my position, I’m unable to work as I’m a single parent and also caring for two of my autistic children with additional needs I had to quit my job when DS1 was a teenager as it became apparent he needed someone with him atall times.) Anyhow, I have asked that he holds off from any hormone therapies while he is sharing a room with his younger brother for obvious reasons! But he does in the evenings change into womens clothes, sometimes a little revealing in my opinion. I mean I don’t wear miniskirts and shoulder revealing tops round the house but I have felt unable to broach this as a subject. I’ve just asked that he keeps it PG around his younger sibs. I’m just gaging what other people would do in this situation as I don’t want my younger son to feel uncomfortable in his own room, and I don’t want my older son to feel like he can’t be who he wants. But it’s just so difficult 😞

OP, you are most certainly not alone.

And many parents on this thread absolutely recognise the difficulty in your choices. Just as we also understand your limited options.

Regarding phone:

Could one way to limit 'screen time' be that a blanket family rule is no phones in the bedrooms? I have a friends who did this with their teens, which also limited the amount of time their teen with a transgender identity spent on the phone.

There are potentially other options to if you pay for the phone bill, you could limit the data usage so that your son will have to use wifi at home and you can perhaps use a 'safety' package on the wifi. We did this and never told our child the password to get around the safety block. It blocked porn and alcohol and adult content sites.

I fully understand that you are unable to monitor internet access for a 19 year old. But there may be measures to limit it while at your house, if you see what I mean.

However, please do reach out to Bayswater Support group.

And please, please ignore the advice to contact an LGBT support group. We have a regular poster on the feminist chat board who claims to be a person in one of these groups who gives advice to young people who absolutely has a shocking safeguarding knowledge. For instance, fully advocates that a male person with a transgender identity does not need to inform any future sex partner of the sex category of their body before or after having their penis or intestines inserted into a cavity anchored into their pelvis. And see no medical issue with any gender affirming surgery or hormones despite the evidence that clearly shows that there is significant issues with these treatments.

The point that I am making is that these groups now have a rather public record of safeguarding failures. It is too often people with too low boundaries themselves that recommend vulnerable teens seek help from those groups.

This is a very small point but "I can’t physically tell him not to grow his hair" - long hair is probably not something that is really an issue. Many male people have long hair. Wearing sexualised female clothes, yes, that is a problem when sharing a house with young children. But hair is not something that makes a person male or female.

I think he knows my views IE it’s been a topic in the headlines for a while now and I’ve always made my opinions clear when it comes to things like males in womens spaces and sports. I don’t agree: Does that make me a terf?! He never expressed an opposing view. I don’t think he’s that kind of trans if that makes sense. I certainly would not envisage him trying to wee in a womens toilet or play in a women’s sport at any stage.

Also can’t help but feel as if I’m partly to blame, because he never had a father figure or any positive male role model in his life. .

And OP, it will take some time, but please do read widely about this to form your own opinions. Read and listen to the words of transgender people, detransitioners, scientists, psychologists, medical doctors and feminists.

And sadly, you will have to become a very consistent fact checker. Because it is very likely you will find plenty of misinformation, such as the claim above that the treatment of homosexual people and of people with a transgender identity can be compared. This type of false logic is hard to sort through but if it feels emotionally manipulative rather than factual, there is very good chance that it is based only on emotional manipulation.

No OP. Not having had a positive male role model in his life is not the explanation. He is a vulnerable young man and you have done your very best to provide the scaffolding that he needs to live and make his own decisions.

Totally understand that you love him and that he is vulnerable. Also living away from you could drive him further down the trans rabbit hole and put him in touch with social workers etc who would be all too delighted to declare him female and push him towards irreversible and harmful hormonal and even surgical interventions. It’s not an easy position at all. I don’t think any sexually mature male teen should be sharing permanently with a small child for reasons of privacy and dignity. But how you sort this in a tiny house with limited funds, I don’t know.

Does it matter if you are a 'terf'?

The majority of the UK population don't believe that male people should be in female single sex spaces, sports etc. What you label this or what others label you hopefully will not make a difference.

Just another bit about emotionally manipulative language or points of view.

OP, if anyone tells you that 'if you just rethink / reframe how you think about' anything, you are being manipulated. While something may feel really uncomfortably blunt when you hear it or read it, if it holds up to robust analysis, it is more than likely true. For what it is worth, I don't reject something because it has been bluntly stated. I might not repeat it in that style, but I try to analyse why it made me uncomfortable which I used to think most people did. But now there seems to be more focus on 'that is not kind' than 'that is false'.

Please don't blame yourself OP. It's not your fault. The exposure to porn for this generation has been devastating, even if your son is not directly exposed, it's having an impact.

Try to get him good therapy and take it from there.

I want to like this post 100 times. Exactly.

It all leads to trying to normalise paedophilia eventually if you follow this train of thought to its logical conclusion.

The whole point of safeguarding is having boundaries and barriers to actions which will harm children even though the people taking those actions are only doing what they do because of 'who they truly are' and their 'inner identity'.

Jimmy Savile's true inner identity was a child abuser.

OP you're doing the best you can, and it sounds like you're doing a good job. Juggling the needs of different children is often hard, more so in this situation, but you're not alone.

I'd second the idea of having your older son sharing with you and the younger children sharing together. Or maybe could you get a cheap blow up mattress for him to use downstairs? Not ideal, of course, but maybe better than the alternative. This might only have to be a few days a week if your younger son spends some time at his Dad's.

The people who use the empty mantras of 'just accept people for who they are' never think beyond that mantra. They don't think about how that platitude actually works beyond what they believe is just being 'kind'.

And how often have we seen lately that being 'kind' to one group in supporting their philosophical belief that is now the only commonality that is foundational for gender identities, harms female people and children. And yet, we still see these mantra like responses used.

Was there a discussion about dressing in women’s clothes before he did it? Does he dress in women’s clothes at college?

I would have come down hard on him wearing women’s clothes in front of me and his younger siblings. I would not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home by my own child, no matter how confused he is. Other family members should not have to be uncomfortable so he can “express himself”.

The fact he has nowhere to go puts you in a good position to be firm with him about boundaries within the home.

I would not be accepting about any of it. Not the clothes, not the boobs, none of it. It’s weird, it’s inappropriate and it’s unkind to pretend any of it is normal because it isn’t.

When we meet vulnerable young people who have been groomed on line into believing something that is impossible, the kind response is not to agree with them.

I do believe we should try to understand why and I've yet to meet someone with gender dysphoria who doesn't have other complex issues. It's important to try to unpick (and treat) what's behind it. Understanding doesn't mean validation though.

That was in regards to my younger son in response to comments that he could be influenced. I have strict rules regarding screen time with my younger son for obvious safeguarding reasons.
I cannot monitor a 19 year olds phone..
I said that I know what happens in my home.
when did I say that he can’t access it?

OP I'm sorry to raise this, but how long has your DS been staying away at college? Although online grooming is sadly very common, sexual abuse can also be a cause of gender dysphoria and may be something you need to rule out.

They are men who get a sexual thrill from being seen as woman, getting their own breasts in particular to play with . They dress as prostitutes usually as this is a real turn on, too. Often gay but homophobic. Hate women as extremely jealous. Protect your young children from him as a priority, please.

He stays at a close (female) family members who lives closer to the college than we do. He usually pops in for his dinner still in the evenings it’s just for convenience more than anything.

Living with a single mother does not make you homosexual nor transsexual ! Unfortunately this is a trend in society to think one can change gender as one change style. Not your fault!

that thing you're using when you type in, "How to respond positively to mean terfs."