Families when someone is wanting to change genders

[Pleasesendhelp8]

Have posted before but NC for this. Just after some advice really, i am a carer for DS1 (19) he has adhd and autism, high levels, still very dependant. Struggling with his sexuality and gender. Well I say struggling, he is sure that he’s gay, and he is sure that he wants to start hormone therapy to start to transition to be a woman, although he doesn’t want to actually be a woman he just wants top surgery. (Fine, I mean, it came out of nowhere at the time as he’s never been a feminine kind of boy, but ok.) The part where he is gay I kind of expected and I am supportive, the rest I try to support him as much as I can. However, this is where it gets difficult, I also have DS2 (9) and DD1 (2). Our house is so small that DS 1 is still sharing a room with DS2. 19 and 9, I’m sharing a room with DD1. (Just for context, I am trying to find somewhere bigger and more suitable, although it is extremely difficult in my position, I’m unable to work as I’m a single parent and also caring for two of my autistic children with additional needs I had to quit my job when DS1 was a teenager as it became apparent he needed someone with him atall times.) Anyhow, I have asked that he holds off from any hormone therapies while he is sharing a room with his younger brother for obvious reasons! But he does in the evenings change into womens clothes, sometimes a little revealing in my opinion. I mean I don’t wear miniskirts and shoulder revealing tops round the house but I have felt unable to broach this as a subject. I’ve just asked that he keeps it PG around his younger sibs. I’m just gaging what other people would do in this situation as I don’t want my younger son to feel uncomfortable in his own room, and I don’t want my older son to feel like he can’t be who he wants. But it’s just so difficult 😞

For sensible therapists, this is a good directory

https://just-therapy.org/members/

I've been nothing but empathetic to my family and I've been included in their difficult decisions and been alongside them the entire way. I love them deeply. But godson's behavior isn't simply "How he expresses himself." He's a deeply misogynistic young man who is self-harming. My DH and I have had to keep our youngest minor daughter away from him after he physically tackled her trying to mimic some 'girl pillow fight'. I wish I was making that up. He was 18 at the time and she was 12. If I hadn't intervened, he would have hurt her worse than he did (she had red welts on her neck from him holding her in a headlock). This incident was one where I hold a great deal of guilt. Should I have called the police? Did I make his needs to stay out of jail greater than my daughter's needs to be protected? Everyone acted like it was 'kids wrestling' that needed breaking up, but I'm still sick about it to this day. She could have been really hurt. She hates him now, and so does my DH and our other DD.

I would suggest approaching the situation with curiosity and empathy in future, rather than conclusions and judgment.

The more I interact with him, the less I like him, which hurts me deeply. It's been a painful time not just for his family, but for those around him.

losing people who can’t accept your godson for who he is isn’t really a loss. If someone feels uncomfortable simply because of how he expresses himself, that reflects more on their biases than on him.
Oh, but it is a loss. These were friendships of decades. Some are still friends w/ godson's parents, but won't bring their children around and don't want to watch the trainwreck. I'm sure some of them are biased against my friends and blame them, but a lot just don't want to see the pain of their friends' situation. And some are sick of being subjected to godson's rude comments, interruptions, domineering behavior, embarrassing clothing choices and physical aggression.

This sounds really tough, and it’s clearly a more complicated and painful situation than you first described. Still, I wonder if some of the issues you’ve mentioned are being mixed up with your godson’s gender identity. For example, his behavior—like the incident with your daughter or his struggles with social interactions—seems more likely to come from a mix of personal, relational, and possibly mental health challenges, rather than being simply about “how he expresses himself” as a trans person. Separating these things could help make them easier to address fairly.

It’s not uncommon for things like social rejection, internalised shame, or mental health struggles to make other challenges worse, but that doesn’t mean they’re caused by his gender identity. Behaviors like physical aggression or domineering tendencies might have deeper, unrelated causes that need attention on their own.

I completely understand why losing friendships and social connections feels hard. That said, it might be worth thinking about whether those relationships were truly solid if they depended on everyone fitting into a certain mold. For your godson’s family, building relationships with people who can show them kindness and understanding might provide a much stronger and healthier foundation for the future.

I have watched my very inclusive teen have to distance themselves from some of their friends with transgender identities. Not because they were not inclusive or accepting but because of lack of boundaries and unhealthy behaviours from the friends.

There seems to be a push to portray this group of people as all being simply needing kindness and inclusiveness.

Whereas, it is clear that the proportion of behaviours that cause difficulties in friendships is at least as high as the general population. The high proportions of co-morbid conditions published that have been diagnosed in people with transgender identities at GIDS confirms this.

It is rather simplistic to view that just finding kinder friends is the answer.

I understand your point, but my comment was specifically about the family in Delphinium20’s post and how they’ve lost many of their friendships.

I can’t comment on the specific situation with your teen’s friends and their boundaries, as that’s a separate issue. But for this family it sounds like they need friends who can offer compassion and understanding, rather than walking away because things aren’t easy. Having more understanding and supportive friends could make a huge difference for everyone involved.

It’s not uncommon for things like social rejection, internalised shame, or mental health struggles to make other challenges worse, but that doesn’t mean they’re caused by his gender identity. Behaviors like physical aggression or domineering tendencies might have deeper, unrelated causes that need attention on their own.

I agree that his behaviors have deeper causes. But he was a really sweet boy until late teens (so I'm not ruling out some trauma) but the gender identity belief is one that makes his behavior worse: the cult-like demands from his family to recite dogma, the unreasonable demands of society to accommodate him, the aggression when older family members accidentally 'misgender' him. He's turned into a jerk and I'm beginning not to care about the causes any longer. My DD has also had serious traumas in her young life - more than one (death of bf and a violent gang rape) - yet she isn't rude to loved ones, aggressive or demanding. I've lost patience with him.

Manicured flags here. Can you persuade him to try counselling?

Do you come to mumsnet because you want people to say

WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!
Or
"He doesn't have gender dysphoria, he's just experiencing self hatred from being gay"
Or
"I can recommend this counselling service: TerfyFriendsRUs.com"
Or
"You know all transgender people are actually nothing more than sexual perverts?"

Because you've definitely come to the right place.

Personally I think your child is an adult and you shouldn't comment on what your adult kids are wearing - I never do as it's disrespectful, regardless of sex or gender. If they were walking around with their breasts or genitals completely uncovered I'd ask them to stop, but miniskirts, cleavage and tight clothes? Nah.

Maybe focus on getting rehoused. Or your oldest child should move out into supported housing. It's not healthy for them to live with someone who thinks it's a reasonable idea comes to the motherboard of terfdom pretending to look for unbiased advice on having a transgender family member.

It’s clear you’re feeling hurt by the changes you’ve seen in your godson, but I think it’s important to separate his behavior from his gender identity. Gender dysphoria is a real and difficult experience, and transitioning can often be a way for someone to better align with their sense of self. It’s not fair to frame his struggles as a result of a "cult-like" belief system. When someone is misgendered, it can be deeply painful and triggering - understanding this requires a level of empathy for their experience.

It’s also important to remember that just because someone struggles with aggression or behavior doesn’t mean their gender identity is the cause. We need to treat everyone with understanding and look at the bigger picture—not just the parts we find frustrating.

Gender identity isn’t the problem here—it’s about recognising that every individual, no matter their identity, has struggles that deserve empathy, not judgment. Focusing on supporting his needs and encouraging him to get help for his behavior, without blaming his gender identity, might be a more productive way forward.

Gender identity isn’t the problem here—it’s about recognising that every individual, no matter their identity, has struggles that deserve empathy, not judgment. Focusing on supporting his needs and encouraging him to get help for his behavior, without blaming his gender identity, might be a more productive way forward.

But unless someone is a paid therapist or a parent why should they subvert their own needs and those of others in their family in order to 'support' someone else's 'needs' as clearly needs to be the case? It's not possible to accommodate both the needs of some people to use normal English (and the lifelong habit of using correct sex pronouns) and also a person's new pronouns. Why should the latter be more important than the former for multiple people? I'm not sure it's really beneficial to the person so accommodated too - they're not going to get this level of support in the workplace. Learning that other people have needs and rights too and one individual doesn't always come first (except to their own parents) is frankly parenting 101.

Edited to add, it's clear this is part of OP's problem here - it's really difficult to balance, in her specific situation, all her children's needs optimally. Being 'kind' to one person can quite often mean being unkind or cruel to someone else.

Gender dysphoria is a real and difficult experience, and transitioning can often be a way for someone to better align with their sense of self.

If transitioning had helped him, maybe I'd agree with you. What we've seen each year is that he gets worse over all (can't keep a job, keeps getting fired for poor performance and anti-social behavior - even at jobs where the managers and staff and employees are mostly trans!). I was hoping that age and maturity would improve his behavior (lots of 19 year old are insufferable and become better around mid-20s). But that's not been the case for him. Also, he looks really awful due to how unhealthy he is (rapid weight gain and weakness due to low blood pressure). The cognition issues from the estrogen are a problem. He also has severe diarrhea from the spironolactone in addition to the lowered blood pressure.

Honestly, I love weird and unconventional people. I find them interesting and unique. For example, Noel Fielding is my kind of guy and if my godson had done just a gender bender aesthetic like him or Harry Styles or similar, I'd be all for it. But, transitioning doesn't make him a woman. If it truly did, I'd be happy for him, but instead, transitioning took a healthy, handsome, smart and kind boy and made an obese, angry, intellectually challenged and unhealthy young man who scares women and girls.

For many trans people, transitioning is a deeply affirming and even life-saving process. However, it’s not a fix-all for other underlying struggles like mental health, physical health, or difficulties with social interactions. Those need to be addressed on their own, and focusing all the blame on the transition risks overlooking the real causes of what’s going on.

Transitioning might not make him a woman in your eyes, but it’s an important part of his experience and identity. Focusing on the root causes of his health and behavioral struggles, rather than tying them all to his transition, might help you approach the situation with greater compassion. It’s not about denying the difficulties he’s facing, but about recognizing that transitioning isn’t the source of all the challenges you’ve mentioned.

It always fascinates me when I read threads like these (because OP's story is not unique, sadly - AGP is an increasing problem due to online porn and porn related content such as hentai), how subtly AGP supporters manage to dress up their deeply problematic suggestions as helpful advice.

Emo fetish wear? Not at all, it's just healthy gender expression!

Forcing a 9 year old to be in proximity of someone acting out a fetish? Well, just tell the 9 year old it's rude to stare!

Family members are justifiably creeped out and concerned? They must be phobic, cut them out and get better friends!

Toxic and creepy suggestions dressed up as expert advice. Fetish excusers hiding behind faux reasonable tones. I see it again and again.

This.

The whole situation is heartbreaking and these individuals need therapy, love and help.

These are mentally ill people being told they are "valid" and anyone who doesn't go along with the pretence is a bigot, phobic and to cut them off.

TRAs are like abusive partners cutting vulnerable people off from those that see the dysfunction and will speak the truth.

The knee high socks and little skirts is also straight out of K-pop central so the inspiration could be more innocent. Dd was really into this look for a while before going more emo/goth.

Sadly, that K Pop look is from the same source. That of sexualising little girls.

I think it’s important to rethink some of the assumptions you’re making. Linking someone’s gender identity to things like fetishes or porn is harmful and totally misses the point. For most trans people, transitioning and expressing their gender is about being true to themselves—not about anything sexual or inappropriate.

When family or friends feel uncomfortable, it’s not about cutting people off. It’s about finding people who are willing to support and respect each other. Everyone deserves to feel accepted for who they are, and that means treating them with respect, not jumping to conclusions based on stereotypes.

It’s okay to talk about behavior and boundaries, but when someone’s gender identity gets blamed for everything, it doesn’t solve anything and just causes harm. If you focused on seeing people for who they really are, you can have more honest, open conversations about what’s really going on.

You're talking to the wrong woman Mamabear. As a former neomarxist and postmodernist acolyte, I hung out in the original Queer Radical groups which emerged in the late 90s and over the following decade had a front row seat in which I witnessed how these movements provide smokescreens for the destruction of boundaries, and for manipulation and predatory abuse.

Thus, when the movement had its brief time in the mainstream spotlight from 2015 - 2022, I was already a veteran and thus very au fait with how such people use reasonable sounding language, borrowed from the worlds of Foucauldian philosophy and psychology, to cloak their deeply predatory and sinister aims.

This is how I know that when you begin your post with the Predator's Red Flag, "I think it’s important to rethink some of the assumptions you’re making", what you really mean is that I should let down my healthy boundaries and ignore the signs that my amygdala sends me in order to alert me to predators and keep me safe. Similar phrases I've heard in the wild include "reframe your trauma", "your preferences are exclusionary", "gender expression", "gender euphoria" and "don't jump to conclusions based on stereotypes".

These are all phrases beloved of postmodernist folks who want no boundaries to protect the vulnerable. Unfortunately for you, I'm too old and too experienced to fall for it, and I have insufficient oestrogen left in my body to bother to pander it. You may find that your pitch proves more successful on other sites where less experienced and knowledgeable women hang out.

I agree with this, @GiveMeSpanakopita

However, @Mamabearto3 ’s responses seem to be copy pasted straight from ChatGPT, so I wouldn’t bother to engage. 🙄

I get where you’re coming from, and I can see how your experiences have shaped your views. I also understand that the way some of these things are talked about can feel unfamiliar or off-putting. That said, I do think as time goes on, things change. Younger generations tend to bring new perspectives, and while that can feel uncomfortable to some at times, it also brings more understanding and compassion. I may not agree with everything you say, but I believe we can have respectful conversations even if we don’t see eye to eye.

The world keeps moving forward, and the next generation will shape things in ways you might not fully understand now, but hopefully with time, we’ll all find ways to connect better. In the end, the world changes whether we like it or not, and I’m hopeful that we’ll all learn from each other as that happens.

What is GPT?

Those of us who insist on believing in biological reality aren't the ones who are incapable of holding respectful conversations.

And I don't find this younger generation particularly understanding or compassionate.

What is GPT?

It means you haven't a thought of your own, that you are just repeating the 'party line' or googling it. That you are talking nonsense and just saying lots of phrases that when you actually look at them have no meaning or are bollocks.

Such as Everyone deserves to feel accepted for who they are, and that means treating them with respect,

When you look at that sentence it's just daft. Does everyone deserve to feel accepted for who they are?

There is nothing compassionate or life affirming about supporting the delusion that humans can chnage sex. They cant. Its actually cruel to tell these autistic and confused boys that people will accept them as women if they staple on some comedy boobs or lop their penis off. People won't, outside of a few 'be kind' proponents such as yourself. Its not kind to affirm trans people in their delusion because the majority of people now, including young people, have seen how damging it is and, crucially, while they may go along with it to a degree verbally, have no desire to date or have sex with a trans woman. All the queer theory word salad in the world doesn"t change that.

Are we supposed to accept Fred West or Dominique Pélicot or Jimmy Savile for who they are?