Families when someone is wanting to change genders

[Pleasesendhelp8]

Have posted before but NC for this. Just after some advice really, i am a carer for DS1 (19) he has adhd and autism, high levels, still very dependant. Struggling with his sexuality and gender. Well I say struggling, he is sure that he’s gay, and he is sure that he wants to start hormone therapy to start to transition to be a woman, although he doesn’t want to actually be a woman he just wants top surgery. (Fine, I mean, it came out of nowhere at the time as he’s never been a feminine kind of boy, but ok.) The part where he is gay I kind of expected and I am supportive, the rest I try to support him as much as I can. However, this is where it gets difficult, I also have DS2 (9) and DD1 (2). Our house is so small that DS 1 is still sharing a room with DS2. 19 and 9, I’m sharing a room with DD1. (Just for context, I am trying to find somewhere bigger and more suitable, although it is extremely difficult in my position, I’m unable to work as I’m a single parent and also caring for two of my autistic children with additional needs I had to quit my job when DS1 was a teenager as it became apparent he needed someone with him atall times.) Anyhow, I have asked that he holds off from any hormone therapies while he is sharing a room with his younger brother for obvious reasons! But he does in the evenings change into womens clothes, sometimes a little revealing in my opinion. I mean I don’t wear miniskirts and shoulder revealing tops round the house but I have felt unable to broach this as a subject. I’ve just asked that he keeps it PG around his younger sibs. I’m just gaging what other people would do in this situation as I don’t want my younger son to feel uncomfortable in his own room, and I don’t want my older son to feel like he can’t be who he wants. But it’s just so difficult 😞

You need to get him off the internet asap.

There’s no such thing as non binary

Of course he’s got these porn-soaked anime-influenced ideas from the internet! Where else do you think he’s got them from? He will be on Reddit and Discord etc. He is a vulnerable young man whose sexual identity is being formed and warped by this online cult. You seem staggeringly naive.

OK this is a difficult question but when he's dressed up in the non-PG clothes, is he visibly turned on? Because if so then this is more likely to be a sexual fetish than gender dysphoria, and definitely not appropriate for your younger son to be witnessing. I think you need to find a better living situation where your DS2 has his own room, as a priority, OP.

I personally would not allow any adult male to dress like your son does in my home, especially when you have younger children and he is doing it in their space.
It's funny really, when men choose to dress as women It's all short skirts, fishnet tights, knee high socks and huge heels etc. In reality the women/teen girls I know wear hoodies/jeans/trainers. Have you asked him why he doesn't want to wear hoodies/jeans and trainers like most women his age will be wearing? Answer, because it's a sexual fetish and you are all unintentionally playing along with it.
I would tell him he is welcome to wear womens jumpers/jeans/joggers around the house and see what his reaction is, personally I would bin all of the other crap and if he really wants to wear it he would have to move out.

Sorry OP - but knee-high socks and miniskirts absolutely is inspired by anime porn (the boob job idea feeds into this - anime girls in these clothes generally have massive boobs) - does he have some manga books? Have a flick through, or watch some of the anime he no doubt watches to see what you're dealing with - but prepared to be horrified. Especially if you have to look up any of the words used.

I know you say you monitor his internet, but you might not realise that what he's reading/chatting about is so far over the line.

I’m just gaging what other people would do in this situation as I don’t want my younger son to feel uncomfortable in his own room, and I don’t want my older son to feel like he can’t be who he wants. But it’s just so difficult

From experience with my son I can tell you that therapists and the NHS, for any kind of gender issues, are useless. All they do is agree and encourage.

Absolutely.

I can also recommend https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/about_us/

your child desperately needs exploring, questioning mental health support. Please don’t affirm him in any way - also the focus on trans parts of his issue is called diagnostic overshadowing. He needs holistic whole person help. Not just gender questioning support.

Absolutely. Get his phone. Read all his messages. Check his Discord and Reddit usage, posts and history. He will have caught this idea from somewhere.

Is he watching the porn soaked Anime genres?

You said the skirts were too short so there must be something raising your discomfort here.

As you said he is wanting breast surgery (meaning larger than oestrogen derived breasts) but doesn’t want to be a woman, is he watching drag content?

I would avoid any LGBT support groups OP. Despite what some posters declare will be neutral advice, I very highly doubt it will be. And please, please be aware that lately there has been a number of significant safeguarding red flags in those groups, Even some male people from those types of groups convicted of sex offences in the UK.

Bayswater Support group will have contacts I am sure for you to look at.

Oh just started reading backwards
as I had only read the first pages and see I have cross posted.

I’m just gaging what other people would do in this situation as I don’t want my younger son to feel uncomfortable in his own room, and I don’t want my older son to feel like he can’t be who he wants. But it’s just so difficult

Whoops, posted too soon.

I think it's hard for people to know what they would do. I know I wouldn't support my nineteen year old getting breast implants.

My teenagers know my opinion that you can't change your biological sex. Both of mine have over dramatically announced that they are bisexual. And both were rather taken aback that we were completely at ease with that.

They also know that as women they can't dress however they might want to dress all of the time because of society. It might not be fair but you just can't. You have to be constantly thinking about your safety.

So like your son, my dd can't 'be who she wants to be' with regards to clothes. But I've told my dd that.

But if he is like my teen, how do you know what he is watching with headphones on?

We had to make a policy of watching anime together so that it wasn’t the Hentai versions. But even in other anime the over sexualisation of female people was rife.

I think that the current emo styles do reflect the anime influence. Which is about looking like overly sexualised girls (ie children )

having read your first post do you think social services would think your younger child has been well safeguarded through this?

Unfortunately I think boundaries have become blurred. Your younger children are not being well safeguarded with a 19 year old male that you admit you have already had to intervene with because of the revealing nature of what he was wearing around a younger child.

I don’t think he understands what a gay man is, but it is certainly not tits and miniskirts. Honestly if you are asking because you genuinely want to help him, get him some therapy as a matter of urgency.

Wearing overly sexualised clothes that make others uncomfortable in a social setting is a sign of something needing exploring as to why this is happening in a teenager. Is it too low sexual boundaries for instance, and if so where has that come from?

“I’d suggest that losing people who can’t accept your godson for who he is isn’t really a loss. If someone feels uncomfortable simply because of how he expresses himself, that reflects more on their biases than on him. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, inclusive people (and there are plenty of those, despite how it may seem on MN) fosters a much healthier and more supportive environment for everyone.”

I disagree. If a person is behaving in ways that include for instance, wearing overtly sexualised clothing and behaviour that make their established social group uncomfortable, it is not just about how that person is ‘expressing’ themselves. There are definitely elements at play here to explore.

Finding a group who accept that type of behaviour can be immensely harmful to vulnerable young people. Because those groups are not just ‘accepting’ of lowered sexual boundaries but encourage that behaviour for reasons that are not of benefit to that vulnerable young person.

Yes, the wide eyed emo anime knee socks look is particularly sinister to me. In a lot of the texts it feels like paedophilia in plain sight that people just haven't cottoned on to yet. This may not be what your son is going for OP but I'd be uncomfortable if it was, to be honest. Is he even aware of the message he's potentially giving if he makes the choice to dress like that. Women can't dress exactly as they please in every situation and neither can he.

If he’s gay I doubt he’ll find a partner if he has knockers. Gay men tend to be attracted to the male body type. Make it make sense!

I don't understand where you say he doesn't actually want to be a woman he just wants top surgery.
What does he want the outcome to be? Has he spoken about why he feels that way.

We were very carefully trying to balance the internet usage of my teen and I insisted that before 15 that I had access to their instagram account (because instagram had a age minimum so at the time we felt it was better to limit to platforms with suitable age limits and that we have access too).

At 14 my teen was being exposed in a group chat (all school friends that I knew) to Peppa Pig ‘blood play’ and ‘incest’ porn that came from school friends who posted their ‘fun’ story they group created on discord. Turns out the group discord (not something my teen had access to) was a LGBT discord group and this was a story that was posted there being supposedly created by these two female school friends and some others. The others were supposedly other teenaged female people. I doubt they were teenaged female people, but I know the two who were in that instagram group chat and they were young vulnerable girls.

Your son almost certainly has private, encrypted emails (proton mail etc), texting and browser access you know nothing about. How do you ‘monitor’ his internet access? You ‘see’ everything he’s looking at on his phone at 2am while your younger child is in the same room? That seems highly unlikely to me. Believe me, he’s looking at stuff that would freak you out. Loads of confused, vulnerable, autistic young men who are full of testosterone but have with no real life romantic or sexual partners of either sex are getting online sexual gratification from (deludedly) imagining themselves as these pornified child-like anime characters God knows what you do about it as your son is legally if not emotionally an adult. It’s tragic. You can love your son while telling him you will not tolerate him dressing in a fetishistic way at home, and say no to hormones bought over the internet and no to plastic surgery while in your home. You might also give him some straight talk about what real gay men want from a partner - which is not a set of silicone enhanced moobs.

Are there any family stresses/ trauma/ significant changes going on? When young autistic people are going through emotional difficulties, coming out as trans is often an expression of their distress. I know a family where the father was diagnosed with a terminal illness and his autistic son then announced he was a girl.

No advice OP, just sympathy and a similar story to share. My DS is the same age as yours, no autism diagnosis but some very strong traits. In the last year could only maintain a conversation on 1 or 2 topics.
Went off to uni a cheerful, positive young chap. After less than a year he became withdrawn, unstable and declared himself trans. We tried to be supportive, non judgmental and encourage questioning. All offers of support (therapy etc) were turned down. No overt cross dressing in the home but he left his women's clothes lying around his room and they ended up in the washing cycle. He went through a stage of buying female hormones online from abroad. He is now living at uni and has not spoken to us for 3 months. I have no idea what he is doing wrt to dressing, therapy, online content or hormones.
Those posters saying 'you must control his internet use' or 'get him to see a therapist' are not being realistic. At 19 he's legally an adult and the bloody mindedness and online influence that goes with this condition means that they feel justified in doing what they want, and they are unable to process the impact on other people, even young ones.
How you safeguard younger siblings is tricky. Ours have been left very upset by events, and are now destabilised by the complete disappearance of their beloved brother from their lives.
I'm sharing my story here as I'm stunned at the numbers of late adolescent boys this phenomenon is affecting and how similar the stories are.

I absolutely agree with this, the more I think about it (this post has been on my mind most of the morning!) the more uncomfortable I feel for OPs younger children.
Life can be confusing enough for young children without their older brother living out his sexual fantasies in your home.
Does he go out of the house dressed 'as a woman' (porn star)? What happens when the 9 Yr olds friends find out?
I think the 19 Yr old has pulled a blinder and taken mum's attention firmly off the younger children and straight back to him. No gay man wants breasts, gay men like male bodies so that makes no sense at all. Do the younger children know he wants surgery?
I strongly feel that either he stops dressing in 'women's' clothes and talking about ridiculous surgery or he needs to live elsewhere.