Families when someone is wanting to change genders

[Pleasesendhelp8]

Have posted before but NC for this. Just after some advice really, i am a carer for DS1 (19) he has adhd and autism, high levels, still very dependant. Struggling with his sexuality and gender. Well I say struggling, he is sure that he’s gay, and he is sure that he wants to start hormone therapy to start to transition to be a woman, although he doesn’t want to actually be a woman he just wants top surgery. (Fine, I mean, it came out of nowhere at the time as he’s never been a feminine kind of boy, but ok.) The part where he is gay I kind of expected and I am supportive, the rest I try to support him as much as I can. However, this is where it gets difficult, I also have DS2 (9) and DD1 (2). Our house is so small that DS 1 is still sharing a room with DS2. 19 and 9, I’m sharing a room with DD1. (Just for context, I am trying to find somewhere bigger and more suitable, although it is extremely difficult in my position, I’m unable to work as I’m a single parent and also caring for two of my autistic children with additional needs I had to quit my job when DS1 was a teenager as it became apparent he needed someone with him atall times.) Anyhow, I have asked that he holds off from any hormone therapies while he is sharing a room with his younger brother for obvious reasons! But he does in the evenings change into womens clothes, sometimes a little revealing in my opinion. I mean I don’t wear miniskirts and shoulder revealing tops round the house but I have felt unable to broach this as a subject. I’ve just asked that he keeps it PG around his younger sibs. I’m just gaging what other people would do in this situation as I don’t want my younger son to feel uncomfortable in his own room, and I don’t want my older son to feel like he can’t be who he wants. But it’s just so difficult 😞

You’ve never seen any pictures of anime p*rn have you? It’s literally that aesthetic. Very Emo.

Point aside, he needs a good therapist, and you have to get your 9 year old out of that room. You can’t have a 9 year old in the same room as a 19 year old who is exploring sexuality preferences like this.

This! A 19 year old male - especially one with a porn habit and very poor boundaries as to appropriate sexual behaviour (cross dressing like this IS a fetish) in the home - should not be sharing a bedroom with a nine year old. It’s difficult because your oldest is disabled and asking him to live elsewhere may well feel cruel. It may also cause his behaviour to escalate. This shit is everywhere and it is ripping families apart.

This is a very mild anime image. It’s not uncommon for young autistic men to have avatars like this. It’s a fantasy they retreat into but it’s also sexual.

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yes. And this ‘aesthetic’ is reflected in some of the emo trends.

It IS sexual and it comes from porn.

However, the OP’s son may not be the one watching endless porn but may be taking in the imagery from other sources (group chats, forums, from content producers, gaming just to name a few) who are influencing the OP’s son. And yes, it is hard to get a 19 year old to seek counselling and to control their internet, but there is potentially ways to do this depending on the individual situation.

Yes, gaming is a huge way into this stuff. Jamie Lee Curtis’s adopted heterosexual son who was big into gaming is now identifying as a woman called Ruby and had a frankly gross female anime avatar with gigantic breasts. The contrast between the avatar and his true appearance in his anime outfits is so tragic it would be cruel to post the pictures.

@Pleasesendhelp8 as you are finding out, many on mumsnet have very strong views about transgenderism and some people will make assumptions about your son and your home that may be wide of the mark.

Mini skirts & off the shoulder tops are not necessarily hypersexualised or fetish wear. Plenty of teenage girls wear short skirts and shoulder bearing tops around the home without being accused of participating in a fetish culture. As long as your son isn't flashing his genitals then wearing skirts isn't a problem.

He also sounds considerate of you and his siblings in modifying his dress to meet your standards and sounds like a credit to you.

While remaining supportive of him, I would try to understand a bit more about why he wants top surgery. Has he said he doesn't want to be a woman, just wants breasts or is this a conclusion you have come to?

I'm not asking merely to challenge you but because if he says he is transgender then unless he is legally deemed not to have capacity it doesn't matter what you think the reality of the situation is.

If there is another reason why he wants top surgery then understanding what this is means you can give him the support and guidance he needs. Surgery always carries risks.

However, people who are neurodivergent and have disabilities can be transgender too, it's not something that only legitimately affects neurotypical people of robust mental health and without learning disabilities.

You sound like a great mum who is finding a reasonable balance between respecting his freedom to express himself while being mindful of your younger children and your eldest comes across as equally considerate.

It will be difficult to find balanced views on this website, the most vocal posters don't believe in transgenderism at all. Read widely.

Well I’m glad you don’t have a 19 year old autistic son!!!!! All this porn talk is rather concerning I must say! I think I would hear if my son was knocking one off in any room, nobody has any privacy in this house. We all sit downstairs together and use bedrooms for sleeping. I’m always the last one to bed, Always first to rise. There is no porn habit, he’s wondering round the house now in his nike tracksuit. 🤣 you have all got the wrong end of this stick completely. My son is not a monster! He is going through some shit and I’ve clearly come to the wrong place for advice! You all need your minds cleansing honestly 🙄

And to answer other questions yes he goes to college, he’s almost finished his 3rd year, no job and he has a few real life friends. You’ve all assumed he’s glued to the internet. A lot of assumptions here.

Thank you! He is a credit to me and very respectful of me and his siblings, I only mentioned the surgery so people could understand, he’s not saying he wants it next year or even in 10, but he has said that is what he would like, after I had asked him if he wants a vagine. . At the moment it’s just talk, and I don’t understand it. He doesn’t talk about it often he’s very introverted actually. Maybe I didn’t explain it well. Oh well, I don’t understand it myself I don’t know what I was expecting from this thread tbh ☹️

OP, please get your son to a neutral counsellor and do everything you can to discourage hormones and surgery.

My cousin's child (female) went through this. She's autistic and lesbian (so classic profile for thinking she was 'trans'). She took hormones for more than a year. Thought about surgery but thankfully didn't do it.

Then she decided she wasn't trans, that she had simply struggled with her sexuality and her perceptions of what it was to be female. She now has considerable health issues from the hormones she took.

There are lots of very confused young people being led down this path. Please try to protect your son from doing anything he might later regret.

Its not remotely normal or non sexual for a 19y old boy to want breasts. The only possible motivation is a sexual one. Get your head out of the sand, dont listen to the trans actuvists that are showing up on this thread and get your son some help before he's too far down the path of wrong sex hormon damage or even surgical mutilation and castration.

Well he’s accessing it somewhere op. If it’s not at home it’s at college. I think you’ve come to exactly the right place for advice.

As I said, you are hopelessly naive. You genuinely think your 19 yr old son never watches porn and doesn’t masturbate? Or that a young man wanting breasts and wearing mini skirts, off the shoulder tops and knee socks is not sexual? Really? You have no idea what the Wild West of the Internet and anime/trans culture is like. Where do you think he has got these ideas from? None of this makes him a monster btw. Having strong sexual feelings is NORMAL for 19 yr old men, but his outlets are not in real life relationships but are instead influenced by the fetishy side of the internet. Has he got access to money? If so he will very likely be considering ordering hormones online.This stuff is terrifyingly common.

Mini skirts & off the shoulder tops are not necessarily hypersexualised or fetish wear

No, men often wear these as casual wear, picking up the kids on the school run, doing the laundry.

Oh gosh, that's really difficult.

I wouldn't want him cross dressing in front of his younger siblings.

He really needs a decent therapist to unpack the feelings he's having, but the problem is it's very difficult to find one who won't just affirm the person's stated gender identity.

I think it's quite worrying that you think a nineteen year old isn't masturbating. It's a completely normal thing to do.

I agree that you are naïve to think you are completely across what he is looking at on the internet just because you have a small house.

OP you've had a hard time here and it's difficult to process but I totally see where pp's are coming from. He's got the idea from somewhere and it does sound like anime from your description

It's hopelessly naive to think your 19 year old son is not masturbating - do you think this has never happened? It's a completely natural thing.

I’m not surprised you’re being defensive of your son OP, that’s what us mums do.

But please understand that male sexual behaviour is unfathomable to most women.

Have you wondered why he wants breasts but wants to keep his penis? Genuine question that I encourage you to ponder.

Plenty of women are pretty flat chested or have had mastectomies but none have a penis.

I’d urge you to go to the places that you don’t want to go on this - ie to consider the possibility that he is accessing porn and/or being groomed online.

With any safeguarding issue, we sadly all need to think “it could happen to my child/be my child”. Uncomfortable though that is.

I don’t believe anyone has suggested that your son is a monster. At all.

And why do you think that having a fetish only means “knocking one off in any room”.

Nor, as I and others say, does it mean that he, himself, is actively accessing porn all the time on the internet. All it might take is for him to be fixated on this image as one that is desirable by others.

You came to Mumsnet because you wanted a parent’s perspective. You have parents, aunts and others giving you advice from similar experiences but you seem to be dismissing their posts because you don’t think they accurately and exactly fit your son’s experience.

Yet you have also said he doesn’t talk to you about a wide range of topics. Surely there would be some useful things to think about from the shared experiences.

At least some place to start to think about this. Because there is some significant disconnected thinking in your son’s experience. Such as wanting surgically enhanced breasts but not wanting to be a ‘woman.’

And you know that something is amiss here. Trust your mother's instincts. Yiu know what your son is talking about isnt healthy. People cant change sex. Men that pretend to be women or adopt surgical characteristics are massively reducing their dating pool. Neither gay men nor straight women nor lesbians are interested in this fetishisitic presentation. That just leaves him other people suffering similar delusions. He's young, get him help to see that he can be a happy gay or straight man.

‘Plenty of teenage girls wear short skirts and shoulder bearing tops around the home without being accused of participating in a fetish culture.’

No, that’s because they are girls, and no one, not even a TRA, could accuse a girl of ‘participating in a fetish culture ‘ by wearing a skirt. Short skirts and ‘shoulder bearing’ ( I presume you mean ‘baring’ , not some sort of milk pail carrying device) tops are standard wear for girls. That’s why blokes who are experimenting with this sort of stuff are wearing them rather than a baggy top and joggers.

Sometimes the efforts of the apologists are truly remarkable, - and counter productive. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Op, my wheat son came out as trans at age 15. Very unreserved and very sudden. Also has adhd and ASD. My son was a top A* student but very socially inept. When he was 18 and 1 week old, the police came through my front died and he was arrested for viewing illegal anime/Hentaii style animated/cartoon images. He now has a criminal record and has a SHPO and is on a sex register. Even worse, he has inadvertently groomed his younger brother who is now deeply committed to being trans and insists he’s a girl despite wearing perfectly typical male clothes like joggers and hoodies. But he thinks wearing an A cup bra, striped knee high socks and matching gloves that go to his elbows is all he needs to made him a woman. He grew his hair too but every single thing about him his male. He now has a girl friend and has only just stopped saying he wants his penis amputated and a boob job.

In your shoes look at the internet he is using. Is he watching anime? because a lot of it presents as very innocent but it’s 100% not innocent at all. It’s insidious and sissifies neuro divergent young men into desperately wanting to be exactly like the character on the screen. Anime has destroyed my family, I’ve lost friendships over my son’s conviction and had the hardest 4-5 years of my life. I was completely and utterly positive that my son would never ever ever look at anything like that. He was a high achieving prefect, a lovely polite young man. But I had no idea at all what he was secretly doing.

What stands out most with this story is how easily these situations can lead to disconnection when understanding and acceptance feel strained. The importance of accepting a child—no matter how you feel—is vital because the alternative, losing that bond, can have devastating and long-lasting consequences.

It’s easy to see how grief, confusion, or fear could affect a parent’s ability to respond with unconditional acceptance. When your child makes life decisions that feel alien or difficult to process, it can test even the strongest relationships. Holding onto that connection is essential—not just for the child’s well-being but for the family as a whole.

I’ve read similar stories where a lack of acceptance, even when unintended, led to estrangement and deeper pain on all sides. The risk of losing contact, especially when a child feels unsupported, is so high. But relationships can heal when parents manage to convey, in both words and actions, that their love is steadfast, even when they’re struggling to understand the situation.

As your son is talking about surgically transitioning, to have top surgery, I would also explore whether he is thinking about bottom surgery, and if not, why not. While also looking at the excellent sites recommended, finding realistic experiences of both surgeries (I find detransitioners are often most realistic and honest about their experiences, including that of having to dilate their neovagina) and seeking a non-affirming therapist for your son to help him understand exactly what it is he wants - it does sound like a might be struggling with the idea of being gay and rationalising it in a way some autistic (also trans) people I know do. As in, they are attracted to men therefore they must be female, rather than it's ok for a man to be attracted to a man. I find society is very much pushing the male-female coupling narrative at the moment and this does not help youngsters who are going through a confusing time.

Really tough situation, so my heart goes out to you.

Definitely needs therapeutic help, just make sure the therapist isn't going to affirm anything purely out of fear.

In terms of the sleeping situation, definitely stand your ground. If he/she isn't willing to abide by your rules, then it might be worth looking for external housing. The government PIP can cover the costs of housing and bills.