Families when someone is wanting to change genders

[Pleasesendhelp8]

Have posted before but NC for this. Just after some advice really, i am a carer for DS1 (19) he has adhd and autism, high levels, still very dependant. Struggling with his sexuality and gender. Well I say struggling, he is sure that he’s gay, and he is sure that he wants to start hormone therapy to start to transition to be a woman, although he doesn’t want to actually be a woman he just wants top surgery. (Fine, I mean, it came out of nowhere at the time as he’s never been a feminine kind of boy, but ok.) The part where he is gay I kind of expected and I am supportive, the rest I try to support him as much as I can. However, this is where it gets difficult, I also have DS2 (9) and DD1 (2). Our house is so small that DS 1 is still sharing a room with DS2. 19 and 9, I’m sharing a room with DD1. (Just for context, I am trying to find somewhere bigger and more suitable, although it is extremely difficult in my position, I’m unable to work as I’m a single parent and also caring for two of my autistic children with additional needs I had to quit my job when DS1 was a teenager as it became apparent he needed someone with him atall times.) Anyhow, I have asked that he holds off from any hormone therapies while he is sharing a room with his younger brother for obvious reasons! But he does in the evenings change into womens clothes, sometimes a little revealing in my opinion. I mean I don’t wear miniskirts and shoulder revealing tops round the house but I have felt unable to broach this as a subject. I’ve just asked that he keeps it PG around his younger sibs. I’m just gaging what other people would do in this situation as I don’t want my younger son to feel uncomfortable in his own room, and I don’t want my older son to feel like he can’t be who he wants. But it’s just so difficult 😞

He's male and wants "top surgery"? What does that even mean? If he wants breasts, the usual thing is to grow them through cross-sex hormones...if he's gay ie attracted to other men, does he think gay men like a sexual partner with breasts? Because the vast majority very much don't. He sounds very mixed up indeed and I think the kindest thing you can do is impress upon him the fact that no human being can ever change sex. When he comes to how he wants to present himself to the world, dissuade him from doing anything permanent. Oh and clear boundaries around your other children ie no telling them he's a girl now. He isn't.

Other useful resources are the Gender: A Wider Lens YouTube channel and the Gender Dysphoria Support Network which is part of Genspect. GDSN support groups have been a life saver for me.

If he has therapy look for an exploratory therapist rather than an affirming one which will do more harm than good. Thoughtful Therapists and the Gender Exploratory Therapy Association are a starting point. I'd keep him away from the NHS which isn't fit for purpose.

Just to give a different perspective, there's a lot of ground between "radical gender ideology" and the kinds of ideas espoused on Mumsnet, I.e. that all trans feminine (MTF) people (especially those that are autistic) are either brainwashed victims or sexual predators waiting to happen.

I'd advise you get in touch with a charity like LGBT Health and Wellbeing—they're Scotland-based but they tend have a more nuanced perspective. They should also be able to point you in the direction of groups local to you that can actually help you, your child and your family rather than those wishing to push an agenda (from either side).

Full disclosure: I am non binary(!) and autistic, but in my 30s, a parent etc—ie I have a "full" life that extends well beyond my identity. My mother is also constantly bombarded with the message (based on nothing more than my identity, often from people who have never even met me) that I must be a brainwashed extremist, which doesn't actually help either of us.

It's one thing when gender identity is your political hobby horse for whatever reason, but when it's happening to you and your family, it's a totally different thing. Don't let strangers on the internet persuade you that they know your child/ren better than you do.

From a place of interest (no judgement here!) what do your children call you?

Gender is a spectrum, and not everyone fits neatly into categories at either end. It sounds like you’re being supportive, which is wonderful. I would encourage you to continue supporting your child in how they choose to express themselves, including what they wear.

Ask yourself: if you had a 19-year-old daughter, would you feel uncomfortable if she wore short skirts or off-the-shoulder tops around the house? Many teenage girls go through phases like this—I know I did. If your answer is yes, perhaps gently guide your child towards more appropriate choices at home, while still respecting their preferences. It sounds like you’re already doing this, as you mentioned they’ve agreed to wear longer skirts.

As for your 9-year-old feeling uncomfortable in their room because of their sibling’s clothing choices, it might help to frame this as a learning opportunity. Embracing differences can teach empathy and open-mindedness.

I don’t have experience with autism, so I can’t comment on surgery or hormone therapy specifically. However, if I set that aside, I would suggest encouraging your child to take their time before considering surgery to ensure they’re absolutely certain. At 19, though, they’re likely old enough to make an informed decision about hormone therapy, and if that’s what they want, I’d support their choice.

The feminism and womens rights boards will be of a lot of help to you, OP.

Unfortnately autistic teenagers seem most vulnerable to the idea that if they're not 100% constant in their own skin they must be transgender. Show me a teenager who IS comfortable in their own skin!

I'd recommend you do a fair bit of balanced reading around the subject, as he'll need a firm steer from a parent. Getting breasts, or even having your penis inverted does not change his biology - he will always be biologically male. Taking cross-sex hormones or puberty blockers are NOT harmless endeavours, there are serious long term repercussions on his body. Find him some good wholesome gay male role models. Monitor what he's looking at online.

This. With bells on.

Autism makes your DS1's situation more empathetic, but you need to draw clear lines that a sexual fetish around children is completely unacceptable. The wearing of the sexualized clothing in honor of his fetish around your minor children is at best gross, at worst child abuse.

As for your 9-year-old feeling uncomfortable in their room because of their sibling’s clothing choices, it might help to frame this as a learning opportunity.

I think the thing that needs to be learned is respect for the person you're sharing a room with, hence the OP asking if clothing could be kept PG. Sibling is 9.

If son is wearing very sexualised clothing around younger children, this could be a safeguarding concern and seeking to normalise this exposure by treating it as a 'learning opportunity' could raise red flags OP.

Gender identity is anything anybody wants it to mean.

Biological sex cannot be changed, and there are serious health risks associated with gender affirming treatment that should be considered VERY carefully - including a great many unknowns because long term studies have not been done.

As for your 9-year-old feeling uncomfortable in their room because of their sibling’s clothing choices, it might help to frame this as a learning opportunity. Embracing differences can teach empathy and open-mindedness.

Please don't take this advice. Why should a 9-year-old be forced to 'learn' about sexual fetishes? Not all "differences" are healthy or appropriate for children.

Just to clarify, there has been no mention of ‘sexual fetishes’ anywhere in the OP’s post. The discussion is about clothing choices, such as short skirts and off-shoulder tops, which are not inherently inappropriate or “crazy.” Only the OP truly knows the details of the clothing being discussed, and it’s important not to make assumptions or jump to conclusions without evidence.

He is a young man who wants boobs and wears sexualized clothing that is meant to objectify women. When one hears hoof beats...

Some great advice here thanks, I would just like to reiterate though that his clothing choices are more ‘emo’ than pornstar. . however he has toned it down after our chat.
also DS2 is unaware of a lot of this and is certainly not at risk of seeing anything regarding porn or sexual fetishes. I’m unsure where this has come from?!

As for your 9-year-old feeling uncomfortable in their room because of their sibling’s clothing choices, it might help to frame this as a learning opportunity. Embracing differences can teach empathy and open-mindedness.

No, don't teach your 9 year old that their discomfort doesn't matter and they should drop their boundaries to please a man.

Disgusting "advice".

Have you looked into your DS1's computer use? Are you sure DS2 hasn't seen any sexualized content?

Thanks! Yes I’m unsure where porn star clothing and sexual fetish comes into this. I meant like emo style skirts and knee socks not tight revealing porn star clothes 🙈 oh my goodness! And I’m well aware he couldn’t be a women no matter what he does.

Of course I’m bloody sure!!!! I monitor everything and as my OP says we live in a small house I hear and see everything. My younger two children are very well safeguarded thank you . . . . . .

My suggestion wasn’t about dismissing the 9-year-old’s feelings or forcing them to suppress their boundaries. On the contrary, their feelings matter, and it’s important to address them with empathy and understanding.

When I mentioned it being a learning opportunity, I meant fostering dialogue to help the 9-year-old understand the situation in an age-appropriate way while also ensuring their own comfort is respected. It’s not about “pleasing” anyone—it’s about balancing the needs and feelings of both siblings in a way that promotes mutual respect.

Teaching empathy doesn’t mean ignoring someone’s discomfort; it means guiding them to better understand differences while also validating their own emotions.
I’m

I’ll tell you where it has come from… Discord, Tumblr, Reddit and Anime…

I'm not trying to hurt you, but I'm sure what I said on this thread does hurt, and I'm sorry for that. I'm not coming at this blindly or from a distance. I have a 25 yr godson w/ ADHD (his mother thinks he also has autism but no testing as yet for that) who came out as trans around a similar age as your DS (5 or so years ago) and I've watched it tear their family up and see daily how it messes w/ his head. My godson was reluctantly affirmed as his parents bought the whole suicide nonsense. He's not done well since his 'coming out'. The hormones have wrecked havoc and his once very healthy and fit body is now obese (not genetic). Estrogen has also damaged his cognition...he struggles with thoughts and understanding that he didn't as a teenager. When I first talked to him, letting him share his reasoning for this transition (he trusts me a great deal), it was evident early on how he's very much influenced by porn and reddit and his My Little Pony discord group. I love him, and I love his parents, but his mom has really gone down a rabbit hole as she can't see him for what he really is...he's a 6-foot man, built like a sumo wrestler who dresses like he thinks he's a thirteen year old girl who's been sex trafficked. That sounds harsh, but it's the truth. But our family dynamic doesn't like the truth. I feel we all could have stopped this had we, as a family, been far more firm earlier on.

I just wince thinking of the parents with blinders on as to the impact of their adult male children on any children, let alone women. If your DS2 has friends over, for example, their parents might very well be extremely uncomfortable knowing DS2 has an older brother dressing like that, even if it's just emo skirt/tights (I have teen and young adult DDs and neither do they nor any of their female friends dress like that). I doubt many families would want their kids exposed to this. Please don't minimize that. I hope your son gets help as I understand autism makes the gender thing really confusing and while he's partially a victim of this zeitgeist, he's also a young man who can cause issues for others if it's not stopped.

My dear friends used to have large social gatherings with many families. A few years ago, only about 5% of their normal friends showed up. They don't want their kids around my godson, they don't want to have to share space with a man in anime girls wear, and I don't blame them.

Stop kidding yourself OP. Knee high socks on a 19u old male is not emo, it's sissy porn, and it will escalate You have a small window to help him. Woman up.

Stop kidding yourself OP. Knee high socks on a 19u old male is not emo, it's sissy porn, and it will escalate You have a small window to help him. Woman up

I agree. He is accessing this stuff somewhere and your younger children shouldn’t be exposed to this.

Your perspective may differ significantly from that of someone directly in the situation. It’s easy to look at someone else’s struggles and imagine what could have been done differently, but the reality is often far more complex. Hearing from him and his parents would provide a fuller picture of the challenges and decisions they’ve faced.

While it sounds like their social gatherings have changed, I’d suggest that losing people who can’t accept your godson for who he is isn’t really a loss. If someone feels uncomfortable simply because of how he expresses himself, that reflects more on their biases than on him. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, inclusive people (and there are plenty of those, despite how it may seem on MN) fosters a much healthier and more supportive environment for everyone. Judgmental company isn’t worth mourning.

Some of the language you’ve used in your post comes across as dismissive and unkind. I would suggest approaching the situation with curiosity and empathy in future, rather than conclusions and judgment.