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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being used by so called "friend"

338 replies

Queenjuliana · 30/12/2024 10:00

Apologies for the long post, it takes a bit of explaining....DP has a friend who lives in Germany with his partner. DP and friend have known each other since childhood, went to school together etc. They are only in contact via social media, mainly to talk about football and reminisce about the old days. From what I can gather, the friend leads an "alternative" lifestyle. They don't have proper jobs, they smoke dope, and are self described "anarchists" ( whatever that is!) The friend's wife has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. The friend has asked my partner to set up a Go Fund me page to raise money for her. The target is £9000. Apparently he does not want to do this himself because the money cannot be traceable to him. After lots of questioning to a very defensive DP, this is what I've managed to surmise..She is getting free health care treatment in Germany for her cancer. But due to the cancer she cannot work (cleaning job I believe) So they want the funds for living expenses. Germany of course have a sickness benefit which can be claimed but I'm assuming they haven't paid anything into the scheme as they are not eligible. So why am I resentful of this kind act my DP is doing? This friend has history of coming to DP when he needs money. DP is a soft touch, very kindhearted and an easy target. He talked him into "investing" £500 in the past to some hare brained music company he was supposedly setting up. Obviously the money was never seen again. Also, why can't the friend support his own wife? I personally can't see why he expects other people to donate to their living expenses because he hasn't bothered to get a decent job, and because they haven't paid into the health insurance scheme over there. The collection is going well and they have got to £7000. On top of this, because the money has to be untraceable, the friend has to have it in cash so DP has agreed to fly to Germany with it!! I know it's not my business but it all sounds so dodgy and underhand. I have every sympathy for her cancer diagnosis but she is getting well cared for and her prognosis is good as caught early. I'm pretty sure the friend would not be doing the same for DP if the roles were reversed. AIBU to think DP is being taken for a mug and this whole thing sounds like a scam?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/12/2024 10:03

Why must the money be untraceable? So it doesn’t interfere with state benefits? But they’re saying they’re not entitled.

JWhipple · 30/12/2024 10:10

They want your DP to fly over with the money?
For 7k I'm pretty sure they can afford to fly over here for it FFS.
Germany I believe have a good benefits system, even for people who moved there from abroad. This is dodgy as anything and the getting him to fly over with the money is absolute CF.

I'd honestly be tempted to declare the gofundme is to go to an actual charity, and announce the "friends" have all they need and want to help others less fortunate.

If they're that desperate for the cash they can set up their own gofundme.

Jumell · 30/12/2024 10:13

YANBU at all OP I'd be FUROUS and tbh would want his ties to be completely cut with the 'friend'

MrsTigerface · 30/12/2024 10:14

As far as I know, if you are taking more than 10k in euros from the UK into Germany, you have to declare it to customs on entry. I know that £7k isn’t as much as that but, if the total they reach goes up any more, your DP might possibly find himself in that position. What would he say? I don’t think he should be put into this sort of position.

It sounds to me like they are in fact claiming some sort of benefit over there despite their itinerant lifestyle, which is why they want it all in cash, so no one knows they are receiving other income. In that case, your DP would be helping them commit benefit fraud. Either that, or your DP’s mate is embarking on another of his dodgy investment schemes…

Either way, I agree with you, it all sounds incredibly dodgy.

Your DP sounds like a kind man and a loyal friend but yes, the whole thing stinks.

fuzzwuss · 30/12/2024 10:14

Make sure that DP does not exceed the equivalent of 10,000 euros. Over 10,000 needs to be declared at customs, failure results in a number of legal problems. This has a lot of red flags. Why does the money need to be untraceable? Will they really raise 9000 pounds for someone who already has full healthcare cover?

Rainbowdottie · 30/12/2024 10:16

Tbh I don't know, there's 2 sides to every coin tbh...on one hand, your dp is helping out a mate who is in a sad situation. He hasn't given him any money of his/your own, he's just "a go between" , it's not harming you/your relationship/your family, let him crack on with it. Maybe its just something your dp feels he wants to do/feels he is helping.

On the other hand I can't see why he wants to get involved, don't they have other family, parents etc? I find in times of trouble you tend to turn to your family, do they not have any? I've always steered well clear of helping anyone with money, I'd just rather not get myself into that position...for loads of reasons, for fear of losing the money, the friendship failing, the awkwardness if its not paid back etc. I guess your dp hasn't given the money but I'm guessing he would have contributed some? I make a blanket "no" when it comes to giving money and I'm sure I upset some of my friends and colleagues with it but so be it.

Maybe your dp and his friend are just two different people but they jog along happily together totally aware of each other's life and faults. Maybe they're just friends warts and all. I'm usually suspicious of people...I'm old, life has taught me that way, so yeah I'd be worried and would have to say so but equally if your dp is hell bent on doing it ,what can you do.

My husband got a bank loan in our mid twenties for his childhood friend. It was to buy a car. I was annoyed with it at the time. My husband was annoyed with me that I was annoyed about it. He thought it had nothing to do with me, I thought it had everything to do with me. We were very young, struggling with money ourselves and with a young family. Luckily it was paid back and all my worst fears never materialised. But even now older and wiser I'd still be annoyed at my grand old age. Actually I'd be more annoyed 😂. I just don't see why people need to be involved at that level with someone.

Seems a bit of a scam when you mention it not being traceable, I think that's the glaringly obvious red flag.

LemograssLollipop · 30/12/2024 10:19

Incredible that £7k has been raised.
What do all the people contributing think they are in putting in for... The medical for wife?

Seems unfair if that's not the real reason.

So is your DP going to causally get through customs with £9k in cash?! Is that possible?! Sounds fishy as anything.

LemograssLollipop · 30/12/2024 10:20
  • the medical treatment for wife
Joelle84 · 30/12/2024 10:20

Send it to her, not him. He sounds dodgy as fuck

Annabella92 · 30/12/2024 10:23

If he is committing fraud - that is knowingly assist someone who definitely is, does this not put him at risk of potential legal consequences?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/12/2024 10:25

Does your husband know where the donations to this page will come from? I mean it sounds like very small scale money laundering.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/12/2024 10:28

Why does it have to be untraceable? That would make me think they are doing something illegal and I would want no part of it. If they aren’t claiming benefits, it’s not going to affect that, is it? Maybe they are claiming benefits and are just lying to your husband about it.

The DH can fly back and collect the money if he wants it. I’m amazed it’s raised £7000.

Endofyear · 30/12/2024 10:30

It definitely sounds iffy 😳 I hope your partner hasn't got himself involved in something that is going to come back and bite him on the arse!

EmeraldRoulette · 30/12/2024 10:30

I wouldn't be surprised if the wife being ill is a lie.

SeaShellsSanctuary180 · 30/12/2024 10:32

That all sounds like your DP could well be getting himself involved in illegal activity. I'd be very cautious about proceeding any further with anything related to this.

TwinklyNight · 30/12/2024 10:36

If he wants it he should pick it up himself, and he can thank your dp for doing this big favour for him while he's at it.

tarheelbaby · 30/12/2024 10:37

Help your DP separate himself from all this malarkey. It has dodgy written all over it. He definitely should not fly anywhere with a suitcase full of cash. Transporting that quantity of money across international borders is probably illegal.

I'm not sure what the best answer is since clearly many people have donated (in good faith?) to support a woman with breast cancer (any proof of that?).

If there's no way to refund to the donors, maybe donate the cash to a cancer charity in the UK or in Germany?

Sparkletastic · 30/12/2024 10:40

As a PP says, can you even be sure the DW has cancer?

Joelle84 · 30/12/2024 10:44

Id contact the wife myself and ask how her treatment is going?

BlueSilverCats · 30/12/2024 10:46

This is raising so many red flags it could be China.

Untraceable, cash only, delivered to them.

Just how naive is your husband?

YourGladSquid · 30/12/2024 10:48

Apparently he does not want to do this himself because the money cannot be traceable to him.

Is there any proof of this supposed cancer?

YourGladSquid · 30/12/2024 10:50

@tarheelbaby I’m not 100% sure but I believe if they cancel the raising the money just reverts back to each donor account when it’s an online fundraising.

bigkidatheart · 30/12/2024 10:51

Sounds like they are able to claim sickness pay but can't if they have money, that's why it needs to be untraceable

BobbyBiscuits · 30/12/2024 10:52

They're obviously on every benefit going. Most 'alternative/anarchist' types believe in taking advantage of the state financially.
It's obvious he's trying to dodge something. What did he tell you DP to say to customs if he was searched? Would he be able to lie to authority? In a strange country?

arcticpandas · 30/12/2024 10:59

I would tell DP to not do it. You don't know these people well, it might even be a scam and your DP would be responsable since he started the gofund. Give him an easy way out, the same as I've given my DH in a similar situation (friend who wanted him to invest in a dodgy scheme) : DP can say " Sorry, but my wife is firmly against it so I can't"
End of discussion