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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being used by so called "friend"

338 replies

Queenjuliana · 30/12/2024 10:00

Apologies for the long post, it takes a bit of explaining....DP has a friend who lives in Germany with his partner. DP and friend have known each other since childhood, went to school together etc. They are only in contact via social media, mainly to talk about football and reminisce about the old days. From what I can gather, the friend leads an "alternative" lifestyle. They don't have proper jobs, they smoke dope, and are self described "anarchists" ( whatever that is!) The friend's wife has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. The friend has asked my partner to set up a Go Fund me page to raise money for her. The target is £9000. Apparently he does not want to do this himself because the money cannot be traceable to him. After lots of questioning to a very defensive DP, this is what I've managed to surmise..She is getting free health care treatment in Germany for her cancer. But due to the cancer she cannot work (cleaning job I believe) So they want the funds for living expenses. Germany of course have a sickness benefit which can be claimed but I'm assuming they haven't paid anything into the scheme as they are not eligible. So why am I resentful of this kind act my DP is doing? This friend has history of coming to DP when he needs money. DP is a soft touch, very kindhearted and an easy target. He talked him into "investing" £500 in the past to some hare brained music company he was supposedly setting up. Obviously the money was never seen again. Also, why can't the friend support his own wife? I personally can't see why he expects other people to donate to their living expenses because he hasn't bothered to get a decent job, and because they haven't paid into the health insurance scheme over there. The collection is going well and they have got to £7000. On top of this, because the money has to be untraceable, the friend has to have it in cash so DP has agreed to fly to Germany with it!! I know it's not my business but it all sounds so dodgy and underhand. I have every sympathy for her cancer diagnosis but she is getting well cared for and her prognosis is good as caught early. I'm pretty sure the friend would not be doing the same for DP if the roles were reversed. AIBU to think DP is being taken for a mug and this whole thing sounds like a scam?

OP posts:
Kevinthebird007 · 04/01/2025 15:44

OP when is your OH going to fly out?

Original poster
Queenjuliana · 04/01/2025 17:37

@CosyLemur In the UK, money raised through GoFundMe is generally not considered taxable income if it's given as a gift or donation for personal use (e.g., to cover medical expenses, emergencies, or other personal costs). However, there are some important considerations:

  1. Personal Gifts: Donations given with no expectation of receiving goods or services in return are considered gifts and are not usually taxable.
Copied from ChapGPT
OP posts:
laraitopbanana · 04/01/2025 17:47

Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 01:14

I spoke to DP today, he was already aware about the 10,000 euro limit. He's going to close the go fund me when it gets to the equivalent of that. He's adamant he's going to do this and won't be talked out of it. He says he's doing nothing illegal. I can't make him see what a cheek they have for getting him to do this!

Show quote history

Of course it is a cheeck and it does get people you guys know to participate so « another reach » but then if your dp is ok with it…not much you can do 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe say that you don’t want your mutual friend to be bothered anymore by his personal friend? But that is as much you can request and frankly…you can’t really force him not to share any « future needs » that might come up…

any hold like that onto a partner is annoying and worrying. I am sorry you are in this situation…

Good luck op 🌺

NoBinturongsHereMate · 04/01/2025 17:52

Wrong thread?

Mirabai · 04/01/2025 18:00

Queenjuliana · 04/01/2025 17:37

@CosyLemur In the UK, money raised through GoFundMe is generally not considered taxable income if it's given as a gift or donation for personal use (e.g., to cover medical expenses, emergencies, or other personal costs). However, there are some important considerations:

  1. Personal Gifts: Donations given with no expectation of receiving goods or services in return are considered gifts and are not usually taxable.
Copied from ChapGPT

Stuff ChatGPT OP. I literally quoted to you from the HMRC website.

The point is, as I have already explained, that crowdfunding income is declarable income by law. This is because HMRC regard it as potentially business income, as in some circumstances it is - depending on the nature of and use of the crowdfunding. There is case law in which the crowdfunding donations were related to the person’s business rather than personal interests and thus determined to be taxable.

So - regardless of whether DP would be taxed on this funds, he is still legally required to declare it so that HMRC can check for themselves.

Secondly - if he cannot prove the transfer of funds to his friend he could be accused of fraud - otherwise anyone could set up a GFM for a pretend “sick friend” and keep all the proceeds. And no, a piece of paper by a friend abroad claiming to have received 10k in cash but no transaction or bank statements to show it ever passed through their account is worth diddly squat.

MildredSauce · 04/01/2025 18:13

Mirabai · 04/01/2025 18:00

Stuff ChatGPT OP. I literally quoted to you from the HMRC website.

The point is, as I have already explained, that crowdfunding income is declarable income by law. This is because HMRC regard it as potentially business income, as in some circumstances it is - depending on the nature of and use of the crowdfunding. There is case law in which the crowdfunding donations were related to the person’s business rather than personal interests and thus determined to be taxable.

So - regardless of whether DP would be taxed on this funds, he is still legally required to declare it so that HMRC can check for themselves.

Secondly - if he cannot prove the transfer of funds to his friend he could be accused of fraud - otherwise anyone could set up a GFM for a pretend “sick friend” and keep all the proceeds. And no, a piece of paper by a friend abroad claiming to have received 10k in cash but no transaction or bank statements to show it ever passed through their account is worth diddly squat.

Show quote history

And if he intends taking money from the fund to cover travel expenses this could further complicate any paper trail as it's not a straightforward "I raised x for my friends and they got x".

He is raising x and giving them y.

If hes determined to go through with it, best he uses his own funds to book tickets and gives his friend exactly what was shown on the gfm page.

DangerPigeon · 05/01/2025 10:03

If he's giving the money as cash, unless his friend gives him a receipt there will be no evidence that he's gifted the money and that he no longer has it.

And a receipt could be scrawled on the back of a beer mat for all that it matters but essentially has to state the giver, receiver, amount and date, and be signed.

hcee19 · 05/01/2025 10:34

That amount of cash going through an airport will be looked at straight away. I imagine your dp will be stopped, searched ,and asked why this money is in cash . Large amounts of cash always raises suspicion due to money laundering.
Your dp friend is clearly taking advantage of his good nature. Perhaps the friend in Germany could consider getting a job and not expect others to provide for him....l find it shocking these days that people expect others to give them their, hard, earned money when they sit back doing nothing to help themselves

NoBinturongsHereMate · 05/01/2025 15:43

DangerPigeon · 05/01/2025 10:03

If he's giving the money as cash, unless his friend gives him a receipt there will be no evidence that he's gifted the money and that he no longer has it.

And a receipt could be scrawled on the back of a beer mat for all that it matters but essentially has to state the giver, receiver, amount and date, and be signed.

Given the circumstances, witnessed as well as signed would be a good idea.

DangerPigeon · 05/01/2025 15:53

NoBinturongsHereMate · 05/01/2025 15:43

Given the circumstances, witnessed as well as signed would be a good idea.

Show quote history

Yep, that would be very sensible too.

GentianCoffee · 05/01/2025 17:59

DangerPigeon · 05/01/2025 10:03

If he's giving the money as cash, unless his friend gives him a receipt there will be no evidence that he's gifted the money and that he no longer has it.

And a receipt could be scrawled on the back of a beer mat for all that it matters but essentially has to state the giver, receiver, amount and date, and be signed.

But if the friend and his partner insist on the money being untraceable (for reasons we don't know for sure, but are probably at least fraudulent) they will refuse to give OP's DP a receipt. It's all a really bad idea.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/01/2025 02:29

@Queenjuliana don't quote from chatGPT - it is a new technology and has been proven to be incorrect on a number of occasions when giving "factual information"

I hope for your DPs sake that all goes Ok but I would be reading him the riot act. The posters who are saying his priority should be you are correct.

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